Pwede ba?

Ano yung pinakamasakit na phrase na nasabi mo sa taong minahal mo? hindi yung overly savage na minura mo na or dinegrade mo sya ng masyado ha, what I mean is yung nasabi mo na alam mo na sa sarili mo na pagsisisihan mo pag hindi sya sumangayon or hindi ka nya pinagbigyan, apart from the cliche line which is “bumalik ka na sakin, parang awa mo na”. Ako ito: “tatanungin kita kung mahal mo pa ako, alam ko na ang isasagot mo at alam kong hindi ko yan magugustuhan pero, pwede bang magsinungaling ka? pwede bang sabihin mo sakin na oo kahit hindi? magsinungaling ka please” , tapos hindi nya ginawa hindi sya pumayag napatingin sya sakin dati at ramdam na ramdam kong hinuhusgahan nya ang pagkadesperada ko wag lang syang mawala. Pero noon yun, at hanggang ngayon hinding hindi ko parin makalimutan kasi pagkatapos nun naghalo halo ang naramdaman ko, naghalo yung hiya, galit, poot at yung bigat ng nararamdaman, na wala akong ibang magawa kundi magkulong sa kwarto ko at umiyak at makinig sa mga kanta ng Mayday Parade.

Kaya siguro ngayon ganito na ako, hindi na ako showy, hindi na ako sweet, hindi na ako pala tawag sa phone, heck hindi na rin ako masyado nageeffort. Gawa kasi nung kupal na yun, na trauma ako, kasi feeling ko talong talo ako na hindi ko malaman kung ano bang ginawa kong mali kasi tinodo ko ang pagmamahal ko para sa kanya, na hanggang ngayon napaka bitter ko kapag nakikita ko syang naglalaro ng basketball, kapag nakikita ko syang naka summer white or black liberty na naglalakad sa hallway, tanginang high school/puppy love na yan nakakatrauma e. Siguro nga naging element din yung sobrang pagka immature ko dati, well namin isipin mo naman mula 1st year high school hanggang 4th year high school kaming on and off, yung pinaasa ba akong may forever hahahaha punyeta, hoy kupal hindi ka pa ganun kagaling magbasketball dati e, pero ngayon Varsity ka na hahahahaha tamo nga naman ano? at hanggang ngayon kapag nagkakasalubong tayo sa hallway tinititigan mo parin ako, pero kahit anong mangyare hinding hindi kita papansinin kasi dahil sayo nagbago ako. Hoy moved on na pati ako sayo, sabi nila matagal mo na daw akong hinihintay and I tell them na gago ka, na ang dahilan na tunay kung bakit ka single hanggang ngayon is because puro lalaki kaklase mo, at ayaw mo ng sausage party HAHAHAHA. Matapos kong babaan ang pride ko nun para sayo pinagpalit mo parin ako, o ano ka ngayon? sabi ko sayo e you’ll regret choosing her over me. Wala hindi ka nakinig boy, lumipat ka pa hindi din naman kita papansinin lol.

Pwede ba? girls, never ever chase someone who doesnt want to be chased. I did that and I felt so fucking bad, and I cringe even until now and that was way back 4th year highschool ha? e ngayon I am a graduating college student na, pero okay na rin siguro at nangyare sakin yun dati at least ngayon hindi na ako takot mawalan ng boyfriend, hindi na ako naghahabol, at hindi na ako masyadong nasasasaktan. Salamat na rin koya, pero mag move on kana yung number mo sa jersey monthsary parin natin, kupal ka dyan hahahaha. Naalala ko lang narinig ko kasi yung “Hey Daydreamer” ni Somedaydream kanina sa Jeep edi ba yan ang napakajejeng song natin? HAHAHAHA kaaduwa baga. Yun lang nabother nanaman kasi ako at naalala ko yung kashungahan ko dati hahahaha.

PS. Masaya na ako ngayon kay Babe 😀

Saturday: Rest Day

Dude prelims just ended and I am so fucking mentally exhausted, I havent had a satisfying sleep for almost 2 weeks now not that I am an insomniac  just sacrificed my sleep for good grades. Because I dont know why I am so grade conscious, ever since I was in grade school man I always thought that if I had high grades (I did and still continues to) my mother will love me the way she loves my brother HAHAHAHA. And well she told me that she was proud of me a couple of times but it’s okay now, I am over that. Some of our professors really went up for it, our professor in sociology even gave us three modules to study only for this exam! what the fuck is up with that right? and what sucks is that her subject only has 2 units which makes it a minor subject lol, I know I can choose to look past her subject and ignore it, but having the “over achiever” mentality I couldnt. Instead of devoting my time reviewing just my major subjects, I make more time to study these minor nonsensical (well, unrelated to my field/course) subjects.

Also, I hate revising for examinations. My head has been hurting consistently from the stress they bring okay? but I guess I have to just swallow it because I dont have the right to complain about the many shits that they make us do right? because in their eyes I am just a kid and who cares what the children say? I was under a lot of stress this past week! I didnt get to go out with my friends last Thursday because I had to study for my exam in Rizal the next day. Fuck that, and thank God I have someone to talk to about this. M and I agreed to give us another shot and to make it work this time, and I am hoping for the best. I am not expecting anything grand though, but I am hoping for a change not just from him but from myself too. We got the results of most of our exams and I did get high grades and I am quite pleased with myself, I hated it and I get upset whenever I get low grades. I am not being pressured by anyone okay, just myself. Ever heard the saying “the hardest critic is yourself”? yeah that.

Anyway that’s that, oh and I am going to dance in this years Tourism Month HAHAHA I told you I have a flair for dancing, sad that the art doesnt like me though. Today is my rest day and my cheat day, and I am enjoying it so far. Havent done anything apart from watching youtube videos and playing mobile games, this is a well deserved rest day okay? but tomorrow we’re gonna have dance practice and it kinda sucks. My head kinda hurt right now as well.

 

It never is

The one thing about being the first to let go is this lingering feeling of guilt after, whether the person you left is happy nor devastated for what you did. But it’s never easy, people often say that moving on is easier for the person who left no you’re wrong. But do You think I’ll be stuck on it and mope around? Nope, it’s because I was the one who made the decision and it’s not like I rushed it, or it came out of the blue, or by impulse. No, I gave it a lot of thought and I prepared myself for it. Is it unfair of me? In a way yes, but how will you tell someone that you’re going to leave them, you dont know when but you will? It’s not a casual thing like telling them that you’re going to a theme park sometime this week, no it’s a major thing. And you wouldnt know when, what I do is even at the very start of our relationship in day one I always tell myself that “nothing lasts forever, you and I will break   up”, pessimistic but believe me it saved me from a lot of pain. BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, everyone will leave you, whether they cheat on you or if they dont they can die any minute. I am realistic, why should I hope for a happy ever after when the only things that I see it from are fairytale books and disney movies? People dont get along most of the time, feelings change, you get tired of each other and in some cases people fall out of love. Am I scared to try again? Well no, however I dont want to get hurt because of the same reason again. I love the feeling of being in love, receiving sweet and thoughtful messages, having a companion in every events and having someone to hold hands with,I just dont like the person that I become once that person gives me reason to doubt his loyalty, I become this paranoid, aggressive and impatient person that pick fights and argue with the person I am in a relationship with and it’s not nice. This time, I want my next relationship to be as happy and non stressful as possible, for a change I want someone who cares about me, who will make me feel my worth, who will always be there when I need him, someone who cant fall asleep knowing that I am angry and sad because we had a fight, someone who will ask me how my day was, someone who will always have time for me even if it’s only 20 minutes as long as it’s everyday, I want someone who listens to me, to the things that bother me, someone who will make an effort to see me. If that person finally finds me I swear I will love him the way I never loved anyone before, I swear this time I will be the first to send him messages, write poetry and songs for him (will let him hear it), call him out of the blue, surprise him with gifts and my presence, annoy him every second of the day and hold his hand in public, I will love him with all of my heart, I will give him my all because I havent given that to anyone yet, and I will swallow my pride for him. I want my next relationship to be my last, if it will be with the person that I described earlier. That’s why I am patiently waiting for him because I Know that he’s out there, possibly looking for me. Maybe when the right time comes darling, but in the mean time I’ll be here working hard for my diploma. I dont want a Prince in a white horse with his hair flopping in the wind, I just want someone who will make me smile ☺️

Bothered

I shouldve made this blogpost earlier but I had to review for my sociology quiz, so I’m only getting to it now. Last night I had a dream, and I woke up almost in tears because I felt so helpless and excruciatingly sad. I dreamt about him, but unlike the previous dreams that I had about him, on this one he was crying, he was sitting on our sofa downstairs and he was bawling and I can see the tears, he wasnt covering his eyes, he was just letting the tears fall on his cheek, and It broke my heart seeing him like that, and I keptgoing down the stairs, I was almost running but the thing is that No matter how fast I walked I couldnt get to him, no matter how big the strides Imake I felt as if the stairs got longer and I couldnt get to him, when all I wanted was to hold him and ask him whats wrong. Since I couldnt get out of the spiral that has been happening I decided to scream at him, I asked him “WHATS WRONG BABY? WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” At first I didnt think he could hear me, so I repeated my question for like 20 times, and I kept calling him “BABY” and then he looked at me, I knew that he saw me because when he looked at my direction he cried harder, he didnt say anything he just sobbed more violently, and big fat tears streamed down his face and I felt my stomach turn, my throat tighten and my knees started wobbling. My heart broke into a million pieces as he cried like a little kid, unlike most of my dreams I saw him clearly this time, his face and his body were the same size as I saw them last, and he was crying, it broke my heart because I had never seen him cry before, id never seen anyone cry because of me too. But that was just a dream, I dont think he ever cried because of me even after we broke up, I dont think he is as upset as me because we didnt work out for the third time. I dont think he will ever cry because of me, the tears that I just saw are things that will only exist in my dream land, I wished I can hug him right then and there, I wish I can hold his hand and tell him that everything is going to be okay, that I will never leave him anymore, that he should stop crying because I will love him unconditionally still, but that was just a dream, and even in my dream land I couldnt do those to him. I felt sad when Iwoke up because I know that in reality, he’s probably rejoicing over the fact that I gave up on him, that he’s free now, that he’s single. I felt sad because I know that in real life, he wont even be bothered with my absence, that he’s relieved that I left, I felt like crying because I know that what I saw in my dream is probably the opposite of what he is feeling right now. He’s probably out with his bros checking out girls, partying and happy, he probably have  someone he fancies now, maybe that’s why in my dream I wasnt able to hug him, because the man that I saw in my dream is a false reprsentation of him and my mind is saving me from pain, but how I wished that I can hold him then because even if I did give up on him, I still couldnt bear to see him like that, all teary and hurting, I couldnt bear seeing the pain in his eyes,he’s still my baby. But I had to wake up to the cold reality and slap myself with the knowledge that he’s probably thankful that I left, that he’s smiling and laughing because of my absence and not weeping like the man I saw in my dream, I hate dreaming about sad people especially you. I hope I wont have dreams like that anymore, all I want to dream about is happiness and being at the beach. I dont wanna dream about you anymore, not like that.

Your Universe

This world is ugly, it’s full of chaos and bad people. The only world I loved living in is yours, it’s where I can be myself, it’s where I can laugh, it’s where you created all these things just for me. Remember when you made this one island which is made up of cotton candy because I told you so? you just made it so that you can see me smile, I havent smiled for awhile now  love, will you transform another island for me again? I doubt you would this time. I have been bad to you havent I darling? I am sure you’ll get used to it. Will you be good while I am away? do you promise to keep things together while your Queen goes off to find herself that’s been long gone? or will you find another maiden to shower with magical creations? I wont interfere if that’s what you wanna do because I want you to be happy, but will she give you same amount of understanding I did? the amount of unconditional love and animosity? will she fill the void that I created, darling?

Will she hold the stars in your night sky and will she make your moon shine as beautifully and as brightly as I did? will she make your birds chirp and your rivers flow? will she take care of you the way I did? because if she does then i’ll back away, you know what? I wont even interfere even if she isnt as wonderful as you thought she is, because my time was up. Maybe it’s her time now to rule your paradise for you, maybe I blew my chance already by choosing to walk away from you, and I wouldnt blame you if you are furious at me. I just hope one day you’ll realize how much I cared, how deep my love was for you, and how far I was willing to go for you. I hope you realize how much you meant to me, how important you were that I only received your smile as payment for everything and I was fine with it.

If you have a new muse, i’ll be happy for you. I hope the two of you wont be starcrossed lovers like you and I were, and since you have her now maybe it’s time for me to find a new planet, a new one to help create a home with, maybe it’s time for me to live in another universe, maybe it’s time for me to find a new sun, and I already accepted the fact that you will never be my sun ever again, and I think I will be okay.

Thursday: Exhausted

I just finished all my paperworks to be submitted tomorrow, I dunno why I procrastinated this last few days when I swore that I am going to be the most productive and competitive student this semester. I guess I lost my eagerness but I shouldnt because I already started this I mean I have been acing most of my quizzes so far, so why stop now? today is such a tiring day because our classes started at 8:30 am and I was supposed to go home at 10:30 am too and be back at 4 pm but since we have a presentation for eco tourism this coming tuesday we had to stay and shoot scenes, it was fun though but the coat got me sweating like a pig, but I shouldnt be complaining because I wasnt the only one who was wearing it, most of us did even my friend Mary, my role was the Tourism head of DOT Philippines who visited Region I, specifically Hundred Islands National Park and Vigan Heritage Village.

I dunno why most of them are ignoring me, but it’s alright it doesnt bother me that much I have another friend and she’s cool and as hyper as me. I dont need that much reassurance from anyone anymore because I am fine with just being myself. I dont like forcing people to do things they dont want okay? and I dont plan on talking on them too when they dont want to talk to me in the first place, I have too many things to do rather than think about why they appear to be angry at me now. Frankly, I am too exhausted to care both emotionally and physically go talk to me if you want to and dont if you dont. I am fine with having only a single friend, I dont need a handful if they stab me behind my back, I already have a broken heart from one relationship, dont give me another. Anyway, I am happy that I have one friend who seems to be very in sync with my personality and who doesnt get annoyed with me. That’s all I guess.