Smartshamed

Yesterday I was at our local daycare center because my grandmother had to get something done, so she asked ¬†me to take care of my brother at school. Most of the people there are middle aged moms, aunts and I guess nannies. Now their conversations go around soap operas, whose husband is cheating on whom, Ian Venaracion and you know just general ” mom bants” . Now, I knew that because I observed them for 3 days already and I kid you not, it’s just cancerous gossip! (though I dont think most moms are like that). Since I couldnt relate to most of them, I bring novels but I do join in occasionally. Then yesterday they started talking about healthy snacks for their children and somehow it got to one of them saying “Sa tingin ko mani ay masustansyang ibigay at di bagat nuts yun?/I think peanuts are a healthier choice because they are classified as nuts?”, then I said “Actually po tita, hindi po talaga classified as “nut” ang mani, legumes po talaga sila/Actually they arent really classified as “nut” they are actually classified as legumes”, and then they looked at each other and I swear to god I regretted ever having knowledge of that and for opening my mouth,because she said “EDI WOW IKAW NA MATALINO HA-HA-HA/THEN WOW! ARENT YOU A SMART ONE? HA-HA-HA” and they laughed in unison. I know it was sarcasm and I blushed, but what am I supposed to do? I couldnt scream “WELL IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU OLD TIMERS DIDNT KNOW THAT, BE GRATEFUL I EDUCATED YOU” because that would be against my values (I am a Filipino, we dont talk back to older people especially “Aunties“, well I dont), so I just smiled at them and buried myself in my book again. And all the while I just thought to myself¬†“I cant wait to get home, lock myself in my room and listen to music, I freakin hate people”.

That isnt the first time I experienced that, there was that time with my mom, my aunt, even my freaking brother and friends. And I think the reason why they think it’s alright is because a comedian here in our country does this on a regular basis, on national TV! and because of that it’s suddenly “okay” to berate/mock people like me who knows more than them because it’s apparently “funny”. Now I am not saying that I am a genius, and I know what you’re thinking maybe you correct them all the time like an asshole, well no. I just couldnt help giving trivias about stuff that I know about, mostly those that I find fascinating. Like members of a band, hermaphrodite species and so on….I dont correct people all the time like a fucking grammar nazi on facebook who floods your comment section with “*you’re” whenever you make a mistake, or a freaking typo. I only say lengthy speeches whenever you ask me for my point of view/opinion on something, if you are being stupid on social media and you had been for a while, or I am drunk. I hate it whenever I am explaining something to someone, like to my bestfriend and she’d mock the way I speak by making these noises with her mouth and puckering her lips and shit like that, it’s not like I’m saying something trashy like goddamn gossip and shit like soap operas and local loveteams.

The response I absolutely despise other than the bloody “K” is “EDI WOW/THEN WOW” I know it doesnt make sense when translated in English, but it is a typical moronic response here in our country when a person doesnt know what to respond to your often logical and factual argument. I fucking hate it, excuse me but a thousand people died for our freedom of Speech/expression for you to fucking respond like that. Stop making me feel like a fucking weirdo for being smart, you’re basically bullying me. People often ask me why I am so quiet, why I dont speak sometimes, it’s because if I do and say something clever or a trivia/factoid (I dont know why I am like this too, I dont know why I know so much shit about something and why I love sharing them) you’d mock/heckle me. And then I’d have to feel bad about the way I am and I’d feel like shit. Maybe if that celebrity would stop glamorizing it, maybe people will calm down and actually try and engage in a meaningful conversation with me.

I’m sorry if this came off as narcissistic or boastful, that isnt my intention. I just wanted to share what I feel because if I dont then it will bother me for a long time hhahaha.

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Dont panic, no not yet

I dont miss you, I miss the feeling of missing a lover. Is that weird? I hope not, I think it’s pretty common you know? although, I’ve never heard anyone say this (apart from that one Fall Out Boy song) but when you were in a 2 year relationship you get familiar with someone, because he’ll be the first person you message in the morning, he’s the one to call if you need someone to accompany you somewhere, you get a sense of comfort and you fall into a habit and just like any other, it’s hard to break it once the two of you decide to end that relationship.

Just like with the feeling of missing someone, I went to the mall earlier because my grandma asked me to buy something for her friend’s birthday. And as I was standing in the queue, I overheard this woman talking to someone on her phone (seemed like her lover) and she had this lovey-dovey voice cooing and saying sweet things like “I am having trouble sleeping because you’re not here and I am not used to it” and stuff like that you know? I felt jealous. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone to miss, but oddly enough I still am not ready to love anyone else. I am not hoping for you to come back to me, but I still am not ready to entertain anyone because I guess I am still exhausted with all of the things that make a “committed relationship”. I ate at Jolibee, on a booth made for four and I was there alone and I felt like it. I dont need anyone to validate my existence, but I am allowed to feel lonesome sometimes. It’s not because I am still hung up on you, I just miss the feeling of caring for someone you know? I care for my family of course, but you know what I mean the kind that you feel for a lover, that thing which can be so sweet then evil in a millisecond.

Then I contemplated on whether I am missing you, longing for you, or anything of the sort. But I wasnt, I did remind myself that it’s okay to miss someone who already left but that wasnt the case. I am not denying that I feel lonesome tonight, but that’s not enough for me to get another lover you know? I guess I havent been single this long before that I forgot how to be one. But I’ll get used to this, I always do. We had a successful gig last thursday by the way, the newly weds looked beautiful and very much inlove I hope they stay that way for the rest of their lives.

Spinning my way to sanity

My cousin gave me a purple coloured fidget spinner last Saturday which I thought was funny, because he knows how much I hate “trendy things”. Whatever, call me a “hipster” or snob but I just dont like joining a craze or coming aboard a bandwagon. Anyway, I tossed it on my desk and forgot about it until this monday when I worked on my desk because my brother asked me to write an poem for his girlfriend, he bribed me with a cheese burger what can I do? I found this small white box, and I picked it up and saw the purple gizmo in it.

At first I smirked and thought to myself “Yeah, I’ll open it and use it for the irony” I got it out and I made it spin, it was spinning while I was working and I scolded myself for judging it because I wasnt distracted the whole time I was writing. Unlike most of the time where a single fly would add another minute to whatever I was doing because I’d stare at it and try to chase it and swat it until I get distracted by another thing, and it’s either I forget that I was doing something or I finish it late. I liked the very thing I was mocking, I felt bad for doing so. But I wasnt that convinced yet, I turned my computer on and I started watching Bate’s Motel and for an hour I sat still and I was focused the whole time instead of picking on my hair, or the corner of my pillow.

It helped me focus, it helps a lot in controlling my adhd/anxiety. Here I am thinking that it’s just a trendy new toy for the “cool” kids, to be honest I thought it was the new yo-yo because I’ve seen so many videos on instagram and on my facebook feed of people doing tricks with it that I shrugged it off. Then I did a quick google search and found out that its purpose is exactly that, to help people with adhd, add, anxiety which was pretty cool, and then after that I saw an article saying that it’s been banned on some schools in the USA and I immediately felt bad for the young people just like me who really is diagnosed with that kind of disorder who needs these for their condition. It’s really unfair for them, this is why this isnt just necessary for “all” teenagers to have, this isnt like bayblade and yoyos, this is a tool designed to help people with certain conditions.

It is a great tool. I went to the doctor earlier too because I am out of asthma medication and I had to get examined by her again because it had been awhile since my last visit, and normally I’d have a restless leg, it will just move in a swift up and down motion and it annoys the people who sit beside me because they said that it makes them dizzy, and I do agree with that. But earlier, I wasnt like that the fidget spinner is my new thing and I learned that I shouldnt make quick judgements on products just because they’re trendy.

Last night: Happy Graduation!

So yesterday was an exceptionally hot day, which is a little bit strange because it should already be rainy season here in our country (damn you climate change!). I woke up at about 8 am, which was earlier than my usual because I am trying to change my lifestyle from night owl to morning person because I heard that it’s healthier. Anyway, I ate a healthy meal and at about 5 in the afternoon my bandmate and I met each other at 7/11 and we rode his motorcycle to our rehearsal place in Lucena City. After months of abandoning my band because I wanted my focus to only be on my studies, it felt great to sing and jam with my band. I missed it actually, belting and giggling at every mistake I make, it felt good to joke around with them too. They are like my brothers from other mothers, we are going to perform at a wedding on the 15th which was awesome because being a full time freeloader I do need cash, I hate being unemployed too but what can I do? our university held back our graduation instead of June they decided to make it July 5th. By now I dont feel that ashamed to be one (bum), because I have a valid reason but once I graduate I am going to apply for a job. Well technically I already did, I went to an interview in Magsaysay Corp. last May, and they instructed me to do basic training because they said it is a requirement, I applied for the position of a Life guard.

But I am not sure if I want to because I am afraid. After all my uncle was the one who kept nagging me about that job. I want to make it on my own you know? I dont want to owe anyone anything, but if it had been a year and I still am unemployed I’ll have no choice but to take it. Anyway, back to my band practice we rehearsed the first set (we had three) which consisted of 8 songs: Underneath it all – No doubt, A thousand Years – Christian Perri, One and Only – Adele, Oh Darling! – The Beatles, Power of two – Indigo Girls, Linger – The Cranberries, Your Song – Parokya ni Edgar, With a smile – Eraserheads. I completely forgot how good of a singer W was,. we are to rehearse again on Saturday, I thought that things will be awkward between the two of us but it wasnt. We are still good friends, we are still the same goofballs that we were before which was a relief, I didnt want to lose my boy bestfriend. We started at about 6:30 and then we finished at about 10 o’clock. We got hungry so we ate at lugaw queen which was awesome, I havent eaten there for so long that hot porridge tasted divine to me. We were about to go home when R received a message from Ch, asking us to come by his house because it was his graduation and there is a celebration in their house and he assured us that there’s booze for everybody, so we went there and was greeted by him and his whole house was buzzing with so many guests! Damn you EU for delaying our graduation we couldve had a celebration like this months ago! There was a videoke too and after eating, Ch presented a whole case of beer in front of us and we started drinking the night away, that 3 hour rehearsal didnt stop me from singing my heart out in the videoke too hahaha it was so fun.

I got home at 1:30 in the morning, I wasnt drunk though I know my limits and I drink responsibly. I cheated too, I drank less beer than them I focused on being the chatterbox and singing that they didnt even notice. My bros are gentlemen though (they always have been) and they accompanied me home, and made sure I’m safe. I felt bad for ignoring them when I had a boyfriend though, I just didnt feel comfortable with hanging out with my guy friends while I had a boy you know? I wasnt cheating on him but I didnt want him to think that I was. Because you know, he has friends and they might see me hanging out with my bandmates and they might think I’m cheating, but that was before hahahaha now in my future relationship I wont do that anymore. I will introduce him to them so that there wont be any misunderstanding, I woke up with a fat head ache too so I’ll end this here.

A well spent night.