Holiday blues

Hey, I havent been active because I am always swamped at work. Anyway, everything is going fine with me I bought so much shoes from my paychecks, clothing and I am finally learning how to cook properly. Adult life is still confusing though, it’s almost xmas and I’m still single haha but it’s because I refuse to go out with men yet I want to do it next month you know? for it to be a real fresh start. I always get sad as xmas comes close every year since I was 9, it’s because I’ve never really spent any xmas dinners and eve with my parents…..they’re still alive so dont get me wrong. I will spend it with my brother and grandmother, and although I love them to death it’s just not the same you know? other kids would be sitting at a table next to their mothers and fathers being thankful for all of the things they received and all I had was a postcard from my dad from abroad and a text greeting from my mom. We still received gifts of course, but however cliche it sounds I’d be happier to have them instead.

I should tell you of course that they’re both working abroad then and now still (well my dad is, my mom is working in MNL now), but I know most families with the same plight as us whose folks manage to be home at xmas. I guess my parents just didnt care, and because of that I see xmas as a sad holiday, I dont hate it of course because I see how much people have been looking forward to it. It’s just for me it’s nothing special (dont tell me it’s because Im a non-believer okay?), I guess for other people it’s about family bonding and stuff like that, for me it’s just cold, damp and an excuse to over eat. We received awesome new clothes, shoes, watches and food from the US as children but we had no parents. And even though I feel this way, in the future if ever I decide to have children of my own (bec right now Im scared of the whole idea of raising a human being), I will make sure to make them feel the xmas spirit, the magic and to make only good memories for them, so when they are adults and have a blog they wont make this kind of gloomy entry of how their parents never cared about them around this time of year, so that all they can say is how magical and joyous it is, they’ll have their tales of seeing nanay kissing Father xmas hahaha.

Well there was this one time I saw my dad wrap and put gifts for us under the tree maybe I was 8 then….and just before we ate they had an argument over something as petty as my dad not getting the cake my mom wanted (or something as petty, but I forgot what it really was), and ended up trashing up our living room because she went ballistic and threw things at him again, I guess they were too young when they got married, or it’s because they never really loved each other. I dont know man haha xmas just gets me all the time, for the worst reasons. But forget what I said, advance Merry Christmas to you and Happy Holidays!


Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER. 

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself:  if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.


It’s raining again, I can help but feel a little lonely during weathers like this. It’s not like my ex was here with me to cuddle last year when it was like this, it was just nice to have someone to talk to that wasnt a fuckboy (my ex wasnt  perfect but he was loyal) or underaged/younger than me, it was just nice to have someone to have silly arguments with and stay up until morning with you know?

We werent that much of a clingy/showy couple but, at least I had someone to watch movies and eat food with. Being single is alright but there are times when you feel lonely, like the other day when I went to the mall to buy my grandmother her herbal tea, everywhere I look there were couples, holding hands, hugging, teasing each other, and I was by myself, which normally wasnt a big deal to me, but on that day it was. I found myself sighing thinking “I wish I had someone to hold on to like that”, but I went on and paid at the cashier where in front of me were another couple. It made me think of him, but I immediately stopped myself because I think he has a new girlfriend now and I dont want to be a nuisance even in thought. I hope she loves you more than I did, I hope she takes care of you better than I did and I hope her pride and ego isnt as high and mighty like mine. But who am I kidding? just because I let go of him doesnt mean I wanted to, I HAD to because that’s what he wanted and it will make him happy. I had moved on from the heartbreak but I think I will always love him, you know? how do I know? I still pray for him. I am not a religious person, but I do talk to God before I sleep, and I still pray for his well-being and for him to get a company to spend his OJT on, I still pray for him to have a good future and to be the man I always wanted him to be. I wanted to be his friend even after our relationship ended, but I dont think he even wants to talk to me let alone see my face hahaha. That’s alright I guess, as long as he’s doing well.

I think he’s happier now, I think being with me was the only thing that’s keeping him from being one, I wasnt a high maintenance girlfriend but I do have an ego that’s as big as the iceberg that caused the Titanic to sink. I think what our break up taught me is to be a more mature person, to give the person you love everything they want even if it means letting them go because it will make them happier. I was never angry nor bitter at him, because I was trying to understand why he left and I did, I wasnt angry at him for breaking my heart instead I got angry at myself for not trying hard enough. But I dont regret anything, whatever I did taught me lessons that made me a better person now, than I was a year ago.

That’s all, now I got this off my chest I feel a lot better. Loneliness sucks, but I know I’ll be okay, not tonight but maybe tomorrow. And the cool thing about this is that he doesnt even read my blog! hahahaha he’ll never know how much of a dork I am and that’s okay. Anyway, it’s one day to go and it will be my birthday! and for the first time in years I am excited about it again, I like having a positive attitude it keeps me from having an existential crisis everyday 😉


Sa susunod

Dalawang buwan na,

Ilang buwan pa ba?

Kanina tila huminto ang mundo ko ng mahagip ng

gilid ng aking paningin ang aninong tila katulad

ng saiyo,

bumilis ang tibok ng puso,

pinagpawisan ng todo,

nahirapan huminga at hindi malaman

ang gagawin.

Nakakatawa ganto rin ako dati pagdating sayo,

pero tama na,

pagod na ako,

ayoko na,

nilimot na kita,


nililimot pala.

Papalapit ng papalapit ang pigura,

at sa bawat yabag ng kanyang paa

naramdaman ko nanaman ang bilis ng pag kabog sa dibdib ko,

“Tama na, tapos na, pakiusap tahan na” 

ngunit hindi pala ikaw,

nanlambot at tila nanginig ang buong katawan ko,

natutuwa ba ako?

ewan ko.

Lunurin nalang ulit sa alak ang lahat,

idaan nalang ulit sa walang kwentang biro,

para paraan nalang para malibang ang sarili

mula sa katotohanan na wala ka na,

at hindi ka na babalik pa,

Lunurin nalang ulit sa alak ang lahat,

ng panghihinayang at sakit.

Sa susunod hindi na ako ganto,

sa susunod hindi na ako masasaktan,

sa susunod na makita kita wala na akong


sa susunod na makita kita hindi na ako malulungkot,

hindi na ako manghihinayang sa pag-ibig na nasayang,

at hindi na ako mangungulila sayo.


11:34 PM/April 30, 2017

Note: this is a piece that I wrote way back in April, and I found it earlier when I was cleaning my room. 



Mirage? (A story)

2:30 PM

I sat at the bus stop, on a hot summer day. The type where you can fry an egg on the sidewalk because of the heat. I know, great right? I stared at an ice cream vendor right across the street, deciding on whether I should buy one or not. I found myself blaming the bus for not coming already, I am trying to lose weight and an ice cream wont do me good, it’s been 15 minutes already.

“I’m not even supposed to be out today”, I thought. I’ve been cooped up in my room since Monday, and I have been craving for coffee and some kind of pastry since yesterday. So a little later after lunch today, I gave in – took a shower, put on a bit of powder and tint on my lips…you know to look presentable, and wore my Iron Man gray shirt and then leggings. Also, I didnt want to be alone in my room today because I just finished reading a very upsetting book…..I just had to go out.

Now, I am sweating like a pig and am already feeling grubby. The goddamn bus finally arrived and I stood up immediately to get in, I smiled at the driver as I walk to the second row, I sat on the aisle seat because some old man is already at the window. I didnt mind it really because, it will be easier for me to get off and also I will be able to avoid being trapped in a crowd later when we get to our stop. After months of repressing it, I allowed myself to peak into that part of my memory to recall the name of the meal you asked for in the coffee shop we both liked.

“Why didnt you leave some for me?”

“I didnt know it was this good! is it green tea flavored?”

“I think the correct term is Matcha, babe” you smiled and wiped some cream off my chin.

that stroll down memory lane didnt hurt, it seems like thinking about you is harmless now. And then the old man started to stand up, I didnt notice that we’re already there I guess I was that deep in my thoughts. I got off the bus and to the coffee shop, I was still sweating profusely from walking, I sat on a table outside and the waiter gave me a basket of bread, I smiled at him and he asked me about my meal in a cheerful manner I gave it to him and as I see him disappear into the kitchen, I thought to myself okay, the waiting game starts. I came equipped though, I brought a book with me but I couldnt focus because I keep being distracted by the people passing by, some were talking loudly on their phone, some children were crying, some were playing tag chasing each other, some parents are scolding them, and some teenage couples are displaying their affection for each other. In my peripheral vision, I can see a tall man, with a pair of neon orange trainers and gray hat, all too similar to yours

dont be foolish” I scold myself.

The figure started to get closer and I felt a familiar nervousness I thought I’d never feel again, well not for a long time at least. I tried my best to keep a straight face, to keep my composure, but I could feel my facial muscles betraying me. And the figure is only a foot or two away, I frantically reached for my phone and pretended to type a message. He passed by me and I swear he slowed down, I wasnt sure if he was looking at me though. I let myself into a final glance, but you were already gone in the sea of people. I found myself asking: was he with someone? what does he look like now? does he still wear that stupid boring watch? 

was it even him? 

8:38 PM 

I was laying in bed with my journal on my side, fidgeting with my pen because I couldnt bring myself to write anything for the reason of not being able to peel my eyes off my phone. My brain is telling me that you have no reason to call me, but I still stared at the pitch black screen and waited.

I am drowning in a sea of flashbacks from what was, and it feels like I am in a dream. I was beside you at your house, we were sitting in the sofa, holding your hand, while watching an overrated 90’s comedy flick starring Adam Sandler, my lips was feeling tender from the kiss you gave me a minute ago, and now my head is resting on your shoulder and you were speaking to me with your velvety voice, I swear I’ve never heard anything so beautiful. The reality of you seems to have come out of a good romance movie – charming, warm, soft, and staying only for as long as the film roll would allow. That moment was such a beautiful scene, in every sense of the word. It left me longing for that warmth and familiarity once again, I want to go home again, but I know you’ll never let me in anymore.

The phone rang.

Fia’s Sad Playlist.

This is a list of songs I listen to whenever I am sad (broken hearted hihi), and I dont feel like getting out of my room, I recommend it too. If you have time to waste try listening to some of these 🙂 

  1. Strange – Patsy Cline/Alex Turner
  2. I never told you – Colbie Cailat
  3. Evidence – Urbandub
  4. Is this what you wanted? – The Last Shadow Puppets/Leonard Cohen
  5. Dont go away – Oasis
  6. One and Only – Adele
  7. My Immortal – Evanescence
  8. Masaya – Bamboo
  9. Nothing – The Script
  10. Dancing on my own – Callum Scott
  11. Fix you – Coldplay
  12. Pictures of you – The Cure
  13. Are you lonesome tonight? – Elvis Presley
  14. If I knew – Bruno Mars
  15. Hiding my heart – Adele
  16. I’ll never get over you getting over me – MYMP
  17. Just one yesterday – Fall out boy
  18. Like a fool – Keira Knightley
  19. Kung ayaw mo na sa akin – Sugarfree
  20. Love is a Laserquest – Arctic Monkeys
  21. Linger – The Cranberries
  22. Miserable at best – Mayday Parade
  23. Three Cheers for Three years – Mayday Parade
  24. Migraine – Moonstar88
  25. Miss Missing you – Fall Out Boy
  26. Much has been said – Bamboo
  27. Wag mong aminin – Rico Blanco
  28. Cornerstone – Arctic Monkeys
  29. No. 1 Party anthem – Arctic Monkeys
  30. Tayo lang ang may alam – Peryodiko
  31. Slide away – Oasis
  32. Dont look back in anger – Oasis
  33. Chasing cars – Snow Patrol
  34. Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional
  35. I hate to see your heart break – Paramore
  36. In the mourning – Paramore
  37. I dont love you – My Chemical Romance
  38. The one that got away – Katy Perry
  39. ok lang ako – Parokya ni Edgar
  40. When you’re gone – Avril Lavigne
  41. Breakeven – The Script
  42. It mustve been love – Roxette
  43. Need you now – Lady Antebellum
  44. I cant make you love me – Adele
  45. It will Rain – Bruno Mars
  46. Light Behind your eyes – My Chemical Romance
  47. Suck it and see – Arctic Monkeys
  48. Remembering Sunday – All Time Low
  49. I will Follow you into the dark – Death cab for cutie
  50. You oughtta know – Alanis Morissette
  51. Drive – Incubus
  52.  No Surprises – Radiohead
  53. Too good to say goodbye – Bruno Mars
  54. Skinny Love – Bon Iver
  55. Someone like you – Adele
  56. Stay – Rihanna
  57. Back to December – Taylor Swift
  58. Take a bow – Rihanna
  59. Tensionado – Soapdish
  60. Under the bridge – Red hot chili peppers
  61. Stay with me – Sam Smith
  62. Whos loving you? – Michael Jackson
  63. Pale blue eyes – Lou Reed
  64. With or without you – U2
  65. Last Kiss – Pearl Jam
  66. Crying – Aerosmith
  67. I love you, Goodbye – MYMP
  68. Superstar – The Carpenters
  69. Letter to Elise – The Cure
  70. Love song – The Cure
  71. Bluest eyes in texas – Restless Heart
  72. Dont Speak – No Doubt
  73. I remember you – Skid Row
  74. How am I supposed to live without you? – Michael Bolton
  75. I miss you – Blink 182
  76. Make Damn sure – Taking back Sunday
  77. Therapy – All Time Low
  78. Hard to believe – Eraserheads
  79. I wanna get better – Bleacher
  80. Just like a pill – Pink
  81. What a catch, Donnie – Fall out boy
  82. Anna Sun – Walk the moon
  83. Only Reminds me of you – MYMP
  84. True Love waits – Radiohead
  85. Stay – Mayday Parade
  86. What is love? – Nevershoutnever
  87. Across the universe – The Beatles
  88. Hide your love away – The Beatles
  89. Angie – The Rolling Stones
  90. Happily ever after – He is we
  91. Against all odds – Phil Collins
  92. Tears in heaven – Bryan Adams
  93. Home – Michael Buble
  94. Untitled – Simpleplan
  95. Astronaut – Simpleplan
  96. Hands down – Dashboard Confessional
  97. Lullaby – All Time Low
  98. Jar of hearts – Christina Perry
  99. Welcome to my life – Simpleplan
  100. Lost Stars – Adam Levine/Keira Knightley


I shouldve made this blogpost earlier but I had to review for my sociology quiz, so I’m only getting to it now. Last night I had a dream, and I woke up almost in tears because I felt so helpless and excruciatingly sad. I dreamt about him, but unlike the previous dreams that I had about him, on this one he was crying, he was sitting on our sofa downstairs and he was bawling and I can see the tears, he wasnt covering his eyes, he was just letting the tears fall on his cheek, and It broke my heart seeing him like that, and I keptgoing down the stairs, I was almost running but the thing is that No matter how fast I walked I couldnt get to him, no matter how big the strides Imake I felt as if the stairs got longer and I couldnt get to him, when all I wanted was to hold him and ask him whats wrong. Since I couldnt get out of the spiral that has been happening I decided to scream at him, I asked him “WHATS WRONG BABY? WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” At first I didnt think he could hear me, so I repeated my question for like 20 times, and I kept calling him “BABY” and then he looked at me, I knew that he saw me because when he looked at my direction he cried harder, he didnt say anything he just sobbed more violently, and big fat tears streamed down his face and I felt my stomach turn, my throat tighten and my knees started wobbling. My heart broke into a million pieces as he cried like a little kid, unlike most of my dreams I saw him clearly this time, his face and his body were the same size as I saw them last, and he was crying, it broke my heart because I had never seen him cry before, id never seen anyone cry because of me too. But that was just a dream, I dont think he ever cried because of me even after we broke up, I dont think he is as upset as me because we didnt work out for the third time. I dont think he will ever cry because of me, the tears that I just saw are things that will only exist in my dream land, I wished I can hug him right then and there, I wish I can hold his hand and tell him that everything is going to be okay, that I will never leave him anymore, that he should stop crying because I will love him unconditionally still, but that was just a dream, and even in my dream land I couldnt do those to him. I felt sad when Iwoke up because I know that in reality, he’s probably rejoicing over the fact that I gave up on him, that he’s free now, that he’s single. I felt sad because I know that in real life, he wont even be bothered with my absence, that he’s relieved that I left, I felt like crying because I know that what I saw in my dream is probably the opposite of what he is feeling right now. He’s probably out with his bros checking out girls, partying and happy, he probably have  someone he fancies now, maybe that’s why in my dream I wasnt able to hug him, because the man that I saw in my dream is a false reprsentation of him and my mind is saving me from pain, but how I wished that I can hold him then because even if I did give up on him, I still couldnt bear to see him like that, all teary and hurting, I couldnt bear seeing the pain in his eyes,he’s still my baby. But I had to wake up to the cold reality and slap myself with the knowledge that he’s probably thankful that I left, that he’s smiling and laughing because of my absence and not weeping like the man I saw in my dream, I hate dreaming about sad people especially you. I hope I wont have dreams like that anymore, all I want to dream about is happiness and being at the beach. I dont wanna dream about you anymore, not like that.

Is it that difficult?

To consider my feelings first before anyone elses? it’s just like gradeschool again, WHY DO YOU OVER LOOK ME EVERY TIME? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FAVOR SOMEONE ELSE OVER ME? Is it because I dont matter? issit because all of the concern that you’ve shown me is fake? issit because you have someone else who, for you is more important? when will you put my emotions first? I tell you shit that bothers me and all you do is argue with me about it, why dont you try condering it? why dont you try to listen to whatever it is that is bothering me rather than think of comebacks because you dont want to fucking lose? issit that hard? I never ask for anything, I never demand that much, I dont expect you to do anything sweet or whatever of that type of shit, all I want is for you to LISTEN. To feel like I MATTER. I told you that you, hanging out with her is bothering me and what did you do? instead of just distancing yourself from her (well I wouldnt ask you to ignore her completely) you fought with me, I told you that commenting and using monickers with her made me uneasy but what did you do? YOU GAVE ME THE SAME SHIT WHEN ALL I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IS LAY LOW. It’s a dog eat dog world, you have to fight to survive, for everything really, I didnt think that I’d be fighting for my own place with you, of all the people in the world I never thought i’d be up against you, when will I be the person you’d be scared to hurt? when I be the person you’d be mindful of being rude? when will my feelings matter to you?

I am not a masochist, I dont like being hurt. I dont like not being listened to because when I have something to say it’s usually something that isnt nonsensical, when I speak it’s usually something that is bothering me, and I make sure that it makes sense. Dont fucking feed me lame ass excuses because I will fucking nail you. I asked you to do something about it, but I guess I dont matter that much because you’re so fucking unwilling that if I were the same person I was months before, I’d be crying. But fuck you,not anymore I refuse to cry because of you, I am over that. When will you ever listen and be considerate? am I always the one to adjust? to your attitude? to your friends? when the fuck is it going to be my turn? when will it be me? I was drunk last night, but I knew what I was saying dont fucking worry, just tell me if you’re seeing somebody else already I SWEAR YOU WONT EVEN HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME ANYMORE. I believed you when you told me that I was the only one, with all my heart I trusted you. Was I wrong to do so? have you been cheating on me by talking and flirting with other girls when I am not around? how long have you been doing it? tell me. Because then it will make sense, the way you treat me. Have I truly become an option to you? oh wait I NEVER WAS YOUR PRIORITY. How fucking silly of me, I am so pissed right now that I am pressing my keys a little bit too hard as if it’s a 1960’s typewriter.

Is it so hard to not hurt me? is it easier for you to accept the fact that your friends are happy but not me? oh silly me, my happiness doesnt matter to you right? hahahaha why babe?

(featured image from tumblr ctto)

I dont even know

I am in this state of overwhelming sadness again, I dont know why but I have been in this mood for almost three days now, I dont feel like talking to anyone, or even getting up from bed, I dont even want to take a bath, I dont want to eat, I dont want to socialize with other people even my relatives, I dont want to listen to any songs because whatever I listen to I cannot relate to, I listened to sad or “emo” songs yet  I cant feel anything, I want to but I cant, I listen to feel good songs but I cant fucking pick up any vibe, I even listened to Madonna but I still cant find my groove, I cant smile (it hurts and it feels like a lot of effort), I cant laugh. All I know is that everything sucks and I hate everyone. People have been chatting me but I just ignore their messages, my friends have been asking me to hang out but I just ignore their invites and i’d tell them that I was asleep and I read their message late, when the truth is I just layed on my bed all afternoon and stared at my ceiling for godknows how long. Am I being depressed again? Jesus fucking Christ what did I do to deserve this again? I thought I am done with this? I havent had a proper night’s sleep for almost 3 days! I feel tired in the morning, I sleep all day but I still feel tired. I sleep but I feel as if I am awake, you know what I mean?

The only emotion that I feel right now is physical pain, because I had my braces tightened and my ortho put class II elastics and it hurts like a bitch. But other than that, I feel nothing, I feel fucking numb no, I am not sure what to feel, I have never been this way since 4th year high school, what the fuck triggered this? I was happy, and I cant recall any painful or hateful thing that happened in the last 2 weeks, why am I like this? I dont know why I am being so fucking dismissive, I have friends and I can tell them anything yet I dont know what’s stopping me from doing so. I am convinced that nothing is going to be alright, that every body hates me, that everyone is going to fucking leave me and that I am just a big fucking nuisance and joke to people, my state of mind is toxic and no one is making an effort to reach out to me in person. What if all I need is someone to fucking call me in my cell and tell me a simple “How are you? are you still breathing?” why wont anyone talk to me in person? why isnt anyone concerned? am I that fucking worthless that I am not worth spending 5 minutes to talk to? I am not o fucking kay because I am fucking depressed as fuck and I dont fucking know what’s causing it. I dont even know when this will end, I hate this, I hate you, I hate everyone. I am getting too old for this but why all of a sudden did it come back? I feel so fucking numb that I have to fucking force myself to get up from bed just to know that I am not a soul yet, that I still have a body which can physically feel sensations and not just a hollographic figure.

I want to cry but I cant, do you fucking know how frustrating that is? I am convinced that if I cry I will feel okay again, kinda like if I throw up after drinking a little too much will make me feel less shitty the day after, you know that kind of logic? I have listened to sad songs but I cant fucking relate to any. I want to be angry at someone, but I dont think I have the energy for it. I need help but I dont know how to reach out to other people, so here I am writing a blog post hoping that this might help me get out of this state that I am in. Help. me. Motivate me to get out of bed and take a shower again, to eat again, to feel again.

What mommy didnt tell me

Everybody’s first teacher was their mother,

and when I was younger she warned me about lots of stuff,

she told me that if I dont brush my teeth after every meal my teeth will fall off,

If I dont wear slippers inside the house my feet will be covered in maggots,

if I swallowed gum it will stick to my stomach and they  will have to feed me using a tube,

if I dont sleep at 9 o’clock the Sandman will come and put sand on my eyes,

and that kept me from being a naughty child,

but now that I am older I realized

she didnt warn me about a different kind of danger,

the one with dark brown eyes that will remind you of amber and chocolate,

that has a velvety voice that is capable of making hearts melt,

dimples that are as the same shape as the beautiful crescent moon,

and has arms that, when wrapped around you makes you feel warm and safe,

No, she didnt tell me about that

I wish she had so that I could’ve ran away when I first saw him,

I wish she told me how loving and caring he is at first,

I wish she told me to not get myself too involved and to not give all of me to him,

I wish she warned me how difficult it is to unlove him,

so that I didnt even try in the first place,

so that now, I didnt have to go on each and every day trying to fill the void he created,

I wish she warned me that when he leaves…I’ll have trouble coping,

I’ll have trouble in finding myself,

I wish she told me this other than saving the teeth that came right off my gums for the tooth fairy,

well actually I take that back,

I just wish she had told me how to stop loving him,

when he clearly stopped loving me.


(Photo from Google)