I havent written any poems for 2 months now, I havent made any good songs yet. What the fuck is happening to me? I also cant think of anything to write about right now, this is just mindless rambling. I am not depressed, not even in the slightest but I do find myself irritated a lot these days. I also find everything triggering, I dont know why I am like this. I keep over analyzing stuff and I end up complaining about them.
I even contemplated on what my purpose in this world is, to be honest I get lost in my thoughts that I even asked myself “Why is there something instead of nothing?”, I am driving myself insane. I became so cynical about everything that I no longer am scared of the possibility of dying at any moment. How did I become this way?
I started listening to sad songs again. Maybe that’s why, I’m not sad nor broken hearted I just feel like doing so. I keep on listening to The Cure and The Script, no wonder I feel like an empty human vessel. I cant finish a movie, because I get bored half way and all I wanna do is complain about stuff because I dont know what I am feeling, or doing but I just know that I am not doing it right.
Should I allow myself to carry on this way? maybe so. I didnt let myself grieve for losing you, maybe this is my body’s way of saying that it’s long overdue (being sad). I havent cried though, I just feel tired. Like I said it’s not because I am broken hearted, it’s just because I didnt allow myself to let go properly, and now I am. I guess this is normal, I should shake this mood any day now.
That’s all for now, oh and our Grad ball is on this coming 22nd I am not excited. I have to wear a dress, and I feel so awkward whenever I do it’s annoying, there’s too much breeze on my legs and thighs, I have to wear a shit ton of make up and to dance. Oh Lord, I look forward to the after party though. I’ll tell you all about it.