I am in a slump

I havent written any poems for 2 months now, I havent made any good songs yet. What the fuck is happening to me? I also cant think of anything to write about right now, this is just mindless rambling. I am not depressed, not even in the slightest but I do find myself irritated a lot these days. I also find everything triggering, I dont know why I am like this. I keep over analyzing stuff and I end up complaining about them.

I even contemplated on what my purpose in this world is, to be honest I get lost in my thoughts that I even asked myself “Why is there something instead of nothing?”, I am driving myself insane. I became so cynical about everything that I no longer am scared of the possibility of dying at any moment. How did I become this way?

I started listening to sad songs again. Maybe that’s why, I’m not sad nor broken hearted I just feel like doing so. I keep on listening to The Cure and The Script, no wonder I feel like an empty human vessel. I cant finish a movie, because I get bored half way and all I wanna do is complain about stuff because I dont know what I am feeling, or doing but I just know that I am not doing it right.

Should I allow myself to carry on this way? maybe so. I didnt let myself grieve for losing you, maybe this is my body’s way of saying that it’s long overdue (being sad). I havent cried though, I just feel tired. Like I said it’s not because I am broken hearted, it’s just because I didnt allow myself to let go properly, and now I am. I guess this is normal, I should shake this mood any day now.

That’s all for now, oh and our Grad ball is on this coming 22nd I am not excited. I have to wear a dress, and I feel so awkward whenever I do it’s annoying, there’s too much breeze on my legs and thighs, I have to wear a shit ton of make up and to dance. Oh Lord, I look forward to the after party though. I’ll tell you all about it.

“It’s gonna be fun” he said.

At about 9 am earlier I received a message from him saying “Patambay sa inyo may ibibigay ako sayo/ Can I stay at your place? I’ve something to give you”, and I almost didnt let him because I was writing my Daily Diary and Weekly Report for my OJT Documentation, but I figured he can help me write these so I replied “Sige ba maya mga after lunch/ okay come by after lunch”. But the funny thing was before he came over I already finished it and then I took a bath and at 1:30 PM he arrived.

He was greeted by my baby brother, reaching out his hand and shamelessly saying “Kuya W, may pasalubong ka?” in which he smiled and handed my baby brother 2 chupa chups, which was sweet of him. Then I came down stairs and he immediately dropped his backpack to open it and then he got a little packet from it. At first I thought it was a box of Nerds, but oh no it was a box of the horrid “Bean Boozled” Jelly Beans by Jelly Belly and I immediately felt nervous. This dickhead was even grinning at me like Satan himself and I was like “What are we gonna do with that? I’m not eating that willingly, mate” and he said “I BOUGHT THIS FOR 150 PESOS AND I’LL BE EATING IT BY MYSELF?” I smirked and replied “Yeah, if you’re that stupid enough to eat disgustingly flavoured candy then suit yourself, weirdo” and I could tell that he’s not giving up that easily so he retorted with “Did jelly beans scare the living crap out of you? funny I thought you were tougher than that, Jops” that asshole already knew I couldnt refuse that, he knew that if he attacked my pride I’d give in, and I did.

My grandmother was sitting on her rocking chair and he said “Grandma, you be the witness okay? You see here, there’s no monkey business going on right?” and my grandmother just laughed, she’s sweet I know. He lined up each bean by pairs and here are the flavors:

beanboozledback

You can imagine the horror that I felt. I knew that these jelly beans existed but I havent tried it, not until earlier. And I’ve seen enough youtubers try it to know that it’s not something to mess with, I’ve seen some throw up because of it. But I also felt excited because I’m curious, what does Skunk Spray taste like? and is it really as bad as the Youtubers make it seem? Jesus Christ and it costs 150 Pesos! PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH FOR THIS HORRID THING? Anyway, so we started and him knowing my favourite color is green we started with it. So it’s either Lawn Clippings or Lime, I kid you not my heart was beating so fast and I hoped to get the better tasting one…….he counted to three and then we chewed at the same time, and I was so frickin relieved to taste LIME. We each had plastic bags, well I mean “Barf bags” but one isnt allowed to spit it out. Grow a pair of balls and swallow the damn thing mate, and then he said “I’m starting to think that this isnt a good idea” and I just smirked at him. Second, is either Rotten Egg or Buttered Popcorn I got lucky again, third attempt was either baby wipes or coconut I wasnt let down and on the fourth try which was either booger or juicy pear…is when I was about to thank my lucky stars..I was even chewing it like it was something delectable when my taste buds suddenly had a realization that IT WAS BOOGER MY GAG REFLEX WAS ALMOST TRIGGERED BUT I CHEWED IT DIDNT BOTHERED ME (But it clearly did) BECAUSE FUCK IT MATE, I AM STRONGER THAN THAT. He started laughing like a fucking lunatic, I wanted to punch him square in the jaw for laughing at my agony but I am a changed woman, then the fifth round was Canned Dog food or Chocolate pudding I GOT DOG FOOD AND MAN IT WASNT PLEASANT, HE STARTED LAUGHING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH AGAIN WHILE I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN, And in my mind there’s only regrets as to why I agreed to do this. We had it for another 5 rounds wherein I got toothpaste and licorice and he got skunk spray, barf and stinky socks.

It was hell for our taste buds but it was fun too, we werent the only one who thought so Grandma was also laughing her butt off in her rocking chair. I even tricked my other brother into eating a Baby Wipes flavored one. And then after that we went to a nearby restaurant, (near 7/11) and we ordered “chami” which is a type of fried noodle. And laughed our asses off as we discussed that rather traumatizing activity we just did, then we came into a conclusion that we were both idiots for not video taping our reactions, just for the heck of it….we are a couple of weirdos arent we? but we had fun doing that stupid shit anyway, so it was kinda worth it. We are also thinking about making a cover together of Out of my league by Stephen Speaks and Toxic by Alex & Sierra, with him playing the guitar/vocals and I on the piano/vocals.

He also made me listen to Ang Bandang Shirley, which was an awesome band. All in all, today was a good day.

2nd Day

Yesterday was the first day of school in our University , I felt ecstatic to be honest because I am going to see and hang out with my friends again, and also because of my allowance hahha  now I am financially stable again HAHAHA. So yesterday our class was supposed to begin at 11 am but I woke up nauseaus and with a throbbing headache, yep migraine got the best of me again. But I chugged a big fat mug of strong black coffee, and my headache still didnt go away, so I decided to lay down and just when I was turning from left and right to feel comfortable, I felt heaps of saliva forming in my mouth and I knew that I was going to vomit everywhere so I ran downstairs to the bathroom and I did puke there. So yeah, it wasnt going well for me (maybe I should point out that we went to Padis Point in Manila, watched a local band perform and  ordered a tower of beer Jesus, I did drink a lot too hahaha it wasnt a simple headache it was a hangover – dont blame me, we’re only young once HAHA). It was Monday and I forced myself to go to school, so that 11 am class became a 2 pm class and what did I do? I asked my friend Mira to accompany me to the mall because I wasnt feeling well, and I needed a cool place which can lessen the throbbing sensation on my right temple. We still had a 5:30 – 6:30 pm class  but since I wasnt feeling up to it (o hala Supiya sige inom pa HAHAHA) I asked Mira to ditch class with me and for us to go home instead, and that we did. Which was a big mistake! Professor was so frickin furious because only 7 pupils attended her class hahaha what the fuck did you expect on the first day of class? a perfect attendance? silly goose. So she gave us a shit ton of paperworks to do, and she also demanded that we get admission slips from the OSA because if we didnt she wont accept us in her class Jfc what a you know what right?

Earlier I went to school at 8 am because I thought I was being a punctual student but it was an epic failure because as soon as I got there my friend messaged me and said that we didnt have class, luckily Mira was on her way to school already and being the kind friend that I am  I told her to hurry instead to go back to Tayabas because we didnt have class HAHAHAHA. We made our assignments from hell and we went to OSA to get our admission slips and I got so frickin tired from going back and forth from the Office to the xerox copier, I even made a self made excuse letter for myself (I wrote as my grandmother lol)  which I havent done since high school, I was actually pleased because I can still forge my grand mother’s signature HAHAHAHA. And since when did it became so fucking complicated to miss a day of class? worst – FIRST DAY OF CLASS – which is usually still irregular, even some of our rooms for a number of our subjects arent announced yet, see why I am having beef with you professor? but I got my admission slip and my attendance in tomorrow’s class is secured. I just finished my paperworks but I aint that pissed at it because I missed making these and it beats laying around and not doing anything like what I’ve been doing 4 months ago.

This is my last academic year and I am ready to give it my best, I may not graduate with a Latin honor because of that dreaded Logic subject but I am certain that I will get impressive grades. I stand by that, I know my priorities now I will not let my bad habits, like my procrastination, ruin my  studies no fuck you self, we need to stop taking things lightly, we need to always aim for the prize, we shouldnt settle for less, because we can do much more better than that. I swear I will get grades  higher than Whiz Khalifa this semester HAHAHAHA. We can fucking do this…again 😉

Be careful what you wish for

I am the girl you see every night when you fall asleep. I am responsible for all of the adventures that you have, for all of the laughter and the awe. Honey I morphed into anything just for your delight, I was more than Jake because I am a human being and am capable of showing intimacy. On this little make-believe land, you reached for my hand you told me how perfect I am, how my eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky, how my teeth are as white as ivory, how I have the most perfect pout and how I have the most perfect bottle-esque figure. And I held my tears then but I couldnt do it, I sobbed and hot tears fell from my eyes. You panicked, held my hand and asked “what’s wrong, my love?”, I replied “Exactly“. You looked at me, bewildered, I took a deep breath and continued “it’s the way you love me”, you slowly let go of my hands looked to ground and back at me again “why what’s wrong with it?”, I tried to calm myself and I spoke “because you only love me because I am perfect, and it scares me because I know that I am not. You claim that I am your Fantasy Girl but darling, what will you do if you find out that I am real? and I am not as perfect as you thought I was? my hair will be fizzy, and my eyes wont always shine like it does in here, my teeth might be crooked and not that white because I do love coffee, I wont be as slim because I will eat thrice as much when I am stressed, what will you do? I guess you wont love me anymore wont you?”. You looked at me with large eyes, the one that screams shock, you reached for my hands again and spoke “You exist? where can I find you?” and I was filled with disbelief because you didnt answer my question, “In another lifetime, maybe I will be because I am tired of being just your make believe love, I want to be there when you’re awake, I want to hold your hand not in this magical galaxy of imagination, I want to be with you in the real world but I dont think you will love me the way you love me now, because if I happen to exist in real life, then I wont be able to sound like Hayley Williams, have the body of Jennifer Lawrence, the brain of Natalie Portman and dance like Chachi Gonzales, I will only be like the others, average. I wont be your ideal love because I will cease having the characteristics of the girls you look up to, in short I will not be your fantasy girl anymore.” 

You frowned and said:

“Why cant you take that with you then?”

“because nobody’s perfect”

“then stay right here, just be who you are here in my make-believe world. Just me and you baby, I promise to hold you tight. Stay in this perfect world I created for you.”

“But, this picture perfect world couldnt make me happy anymore

“But you are my fantasy girl”

And he held me tight, so tight that I couldnt even breathe. That was what I was afraid of, I prayed to the gods to make me real and they agreed but in return they told me that I will be just like most human beings in the world, average, which meant I wont look like a goddess and that I wont be blessed with the amount of talents that I have now, and I was made real, I found you and we are now together, but you dont recognize me, there are times when you tell me that I remind you of somebody, but you couldnt tell, but you arent happy, you dont even love me that much. And I can tell that you hate me now, because every time you wake up from your slumber you look at me with blank eyes, and a coldness that I can never get used to. It has been 24 months, and you still cling to this notion of a perfect lover. I once was my darling, I was your fantasy girl…but then you woke up. 

I shouldnt have done that

Have you ever regretted watching a movie because it was too upsetting? I mean anyone can sit through badly made horror movies and cheesy thriller CGI looking ones like Sharknado and Piranha 3D, but sitting through a movie like An American crime? Jesus Christ, I had to stop watching it because my heart couldnt take it anymore. I have to say that I watched this movie because I have watched “The Girl next door” and I got curious as to what this more popular adaptation of the Sylvia Likens story is like. I finished watching The Girl next door though, I couldnt get through An American crime because of how sweet and innocent Sylvia was portrayed (I think she really was like that in real life), and I just couldnt bear seeing her being hurt and tortured and degrared like that. I thought I can take this because I had seen the other movie about it, but dear Lord I wasnt prepared. Maybe because this (american crime) gave more of the Likens girls back story, like in the beginning when we see that the girls attend Sunday service with their mom, and how Sylvia developed this friendship with Paula she even asked her about her problem after she came home late and was slapped by Gertie. I wouldnt say that I didnt see it coming, I knew from the very start that shit is bound to happen but after watching how sweet the girls and the kids were to her, I kinda wished this was a happy movie, that she didnt have to get tortured and fucked.

The movie is actually made up of well known actors (and almost all of them are the ones that I liked) Ellen Page, Evan Peters, James Franco and Gertie was played by that woman who played the love interest of Mark Ruffalo in Begin Again. I wonder though, if the way she played Gertie is accurate, the way she portrayed her is different from the Girl next door’s portrayal fo her (Gertie’s name was also altered in the Girl next door), because this Gertie (American Crime) seemed hesitant, and almost regretful after every punishment she does to Sylvia, whereas the Gertie from the other movie shows no remorse and is a complete she-devil, I dunno if she was like that until the end of the movie because like I said I didnt finish it, Gertie also looked worn out and frail unlike the one in TGND who still looked glamourous, she almost made me sympathize for her but since I know what she did to those poor young girls, I couldnt bring myself to. I only got to the part where this little girl was telling the courtroom about how Gertie made Sylvia stick up a bottle up her vagina, and that when Sylvia said “I cant” Gertie told her “YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT”. Jesus Christ of Nazareth I just couldnt do it anymore, I gave up, she was dragged to the basement by the boys, and she was screaming sorry. I couldnt take the fact that Gertie made her do that in front of Ricky, who had a crush on her. My take is that she’s just jealous of Sylvia’s purity and of the fact that boys go for her, and she (Gertie) is worn out that she doesnt even feel/look beautiful anymore.

There are currently two movies which made me close my laptop screen and say “Okay I’ve had enough, this movie is hurting me and this is upsetting as fuck”, the first one is Boys dont cry and now….this. Btw, this was based on a true story of a young girl named Sylvia Likens I am not going to tell you about what happened to her because I am sure that google will be more accurate than me hahaha, it happened in 1965 though. I cant say that I recommend this because it is sad and I actually didnt finish watching it too, but if you have a high tolerance for that then go ahead check it out. I saw this post in tumblr saying that Sylvia is a masochist because if she wasnt, then she shouldve just ran away. I dont think so, keep in mind that she was a 16 year old girl when this happened a child, and children openly accept punishments from authoritative figures, in one of the scene in this movie this little girl told Jenny “Dont cry Jenny, mama’s just punishing her”. See? in the eyes of children they are just being corrected, and maybe she didnt want Jenny to be tortured because she had polio remember? so she took the beatings that are supposed to be for Jenny for herself instead. Her story reminded me of Junko Furuta, this Japanese high school who was kept in captive by 5 (I think) Japenese delinquents and was tortured as well, both were tortured severely but held on for a long time, but their bodies gave up and so they died.

I sure hope these girls are in a better place now, free of suffering and pain.

Friday: Fighting Writer’s Block

I have been feeling the urge to make a blogpost since this morning but I havent got the slightest idea on what to write about up until now. I just have to make this to get this out of my system. I know I have said lots of times that I dont believe in writer’s block but I think that is what I am suffering from at the moment. I havent watched any movies, havent started on reading any of the books that I bought, I have been preoccupied with sleeping, eating and listening to music. Do you call this moping? well if it is then okay, I am moping for the last couple of days. Maybe that’s why I dont have any idea on what to write about, it’s because of my mood. I dont feel like writing a post about heartbreak because I have already made quite a number of those and to be honest, the words that i’d used there are still the ones that i’ll be using if I ever write about heartbreak again, so to avoid redundancy I just wont haha.

Does adding “haha” to  your paragraphs in blog posts make it look mediocre or unprofessional? if it does well then I am sorry, I wasnt aiming to become a vituoso blogger anyway, I just make these posts for the sake of writing, mostly just to vent hahaha. Oh there’s one thing earlier that caught my attention and maybe it is the thing that triggered my urge to write. Yes we do move on too, what do you think of me a fucking robot? it’s not like my feelings for you were non existant, to be honest I have been the most loving to you than on any of them. But I do have my limit too, leaving you wasnt easy alright?  Now I dont know if you hate my guts, but I just had to do it okay? I broke my own promise, it startled me too because I never thought I would be the very thing I feared/loathed. I am having as much difficulty as you alright? but I wont pick on anything you say because that’s your right. Just dont make it seem that this is easier for me, because that is just bull shit.

I am working on self-improvement now. I have vowed to fix my attitude before going into a new relationship, I dont know about you though. I am now working on my trust issues, my temper and my mood swings,I want to be a better girlfriend when that someone comes. I dont want to fight with him everyday, I will apologize whenever I can, I mean I will lower my pride just for him because that’s one of the things that made my last relationship go downhill, it’s because I have such a high pride, my ego cannot be hurt because I regarded myself as this horsewoman who is sat high and mighty on her horse. I think I’ll wait until after I graduate before I get into another relationship, but I am not that sure hahaha. There my thirst for writing has been quenched I can relax now, sorry for the nonsensical jibber-jabber though hahahaha.

 

New Lippies

So yesterday I went to the mall with my friend because he needed a new pair of shoes and since I have never left the house for a long time (HAHA sucks to be me I know) he forced me to accompany him. Which was nice, I had to admit being outside and seeing other people felt good and it got my mind off things. I wore my new kicks too which is a birthday gift I bought for myself it is a low cut converse all star in black, which is very comfortable to wear, a short short and oversized plain white t-shirt, completed my ootd. When we got to the mall we headed straight to the department store, he looked at shirts first, he wanted to buy this TMNT Graphic shirt but it costs 400 bucks! So we went on and we stumbled upon the make up corner? Beauty corner? I dont really know what it’s called to be honest haha, and He said “Yan o mga pang make-up para lalo kang gumanda/ Look there, make up products…so that you can look prettier” and I told him “Gago, wala akong papagandahan/ silly goose, I ve no one to look pretty for” “Arte nito, ako pagandahan mo ako, kami lahat na makakasalubong mo/ You have me to look pretty for, all of the passer by” “Wala pati akong pambili nyan, 300 lang dala ko nasa bahay ATM card ko/ I dont have money to buy those I only have 300 bucks now, I left my ATM card at home” “ililibre kita o hala pili na ng lipstick dalawa/ i’ll pay for it, go on get two lipsticks” “sige ha sabi mo yan/ okay if you say so” HAHAHA so in short he bought two lipsticks for me, I chose 2 matte lipsticks from a local make up brand here in the Philippines which is Ever Bilena. I bought the shades Siennas and Mauvey (featured photo) and I must say that at first I just chose it because of all the matte lipsticks there it is the most cheapest, and I didnt expect much from it (it costs Php 165.00) but I was surprised at it because I applied it upon purchase (Siennas) and there was still a stain of the colour of the lipstick on my lips even after eating in mcdonalds. And my friend complimented me on it, he said it looked good on me (idk if he’s biased though HAHA), the colour stain that the siennas left on my lips looked so fine it lasted for three hours and I am impressed, to be honest I think I will purchase more of the shades of this because it really does look gorgeous and it is the kind of matte lipstick which isnt drying on the lips, it’s cheap and I think both the shades that I bought are good for everyday use, I mean to school. Here’s the swatches of the two lippies that I bought:

  It’s a good lipstick if you prefer matte lipsticks over glossy,like me haha I am thinking of buying the shades Toast of New York and Storm next.