Be careful what you wish for

I am the girl you see every night when you fall asleep. I am responsible for all of the adventures that you have, for all of the laughter and the awe. Honey I morphed into anything just for your delight, I was more than Jake because I am a human being and am capable of showing intimacy. On this little make-believe land, you reached for my hand you told me how perfect I am, how my eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky, how my teeth are as white as ivory, how I have the most perfect pout and how I have the most perfect bottle-esque figure. And I held my tears then but I couldnt do it, I sobbed and hot tears fell from my eyes. You panicked, held my hand and asked “what’s wrong, my love?”, I replied “Exactly“. You looked at me, bewildered, I took a deep breath and continued “it’s the way you love me”, you slowly let go of my hands looked to ground and back at me again “why what’s wrong with it?”, I tried to calm myself and I spoke “because you only love me because I am perfect, and it scares me because I know that I am not. You claim that I am your Fantasy Girl but darling, what will you do if you find out that I am real? and I am not as perfect as you thought I was? my hair will be fizzy, and my eyes wont always shine like it does in here, my teeth might be crooked and not that white because I do love coffee, I wont be as slim because I will eat thrice as much when I am stressed, what will you do? I guess you wont love me anymore wont you?”. You looked at me with large eyes, the one that screams shock, you reached for my hands again and spoke “You exist? where can I find you?” and I was filled with disbelief because you didnt answer my question, “In another lifetime, maybe I will be because I am tired of being just your make believe love, I want to be there when you’re awake, I want to hold your hand not in this magical galaxy of imagination, I want to be with you in the real world but I dont think you will love me the way you love me now, because if I happen to exist in real life, then I wont be able to sound like Hayley Williams, have the body of Jennifer Lawrence, the brain of Natalie Portman and dance like Chachi Gonzales, I will only be like the others, average. I wont be your ideal love because I will cease having the characteristics of the girls you look up to, in short I will not be your fantasy girl anymore.” 

You frowned and said:

“Why cant you take that with you then?”

“because nobody’s perfect”

“then stay right here, just be who you are here in my make-believe world. Just me and you baby, I promise to hold you tight. Stay in this perfect world I created for you.”

“But, this picture perfect world couldnt make me happy anymore

“But you are my fantasy girl”

And he held me tight, so tight that I couldnt even breathe. That was what I was afraid of, I prayed to the gods to make me real and they agreed but in return they told me that I will be just like most human beings in the world, average, which meant I wont look like a goddess and that I wont be blessed with the amount of talents that I have now, and I was made real, I found you and we are now together, but you dont recognize me, there are times when you tell me that I remind you of somebody, but you couldnt tell, but you arent happy, you dont even love me that much. And I can tell that you hate me now, because every time you wake up from your slumber you look at me with blank eyes, and a coldness that I can never get used to. It has been 24 months, and you still cling to this notion of a perfect lover. I once was my darling, I was your fantasy girl…but then you woke up. 

Monday: Shaking it off

Well hello there I am back. I still dont know what to write about, but since I dont believe in writer’s block anymore I am now starting this blog post without knowing how it will turn out. Okay so let’s see, yesterday we ate at the old Kamayan sa Palaisdaan in Tayabas with my step-mother, it’s like a welcome back lunch for her because she’s back from China and will be back sometime in the 2nd week of August. It was fun and I ate so much! I just shrugged off the guilt that I felt because of the carbs that I have been ingesting haha I kept telling myself that it was okay, that it’s a cheat day. We also drank light beers, I drank more than the others because it took forever for our food to be served and I was so freakin’ hungry already. M was there, and I am glad that he is, my brother’s girlfriend too whom I thought will never show up because she said she had lots of chores to tend to, but she worked it out and was able to spend the day with us. We had a great time, I felt as if it’s an extension of my birthday celebration because we’re nearly in Lucban and we ate a lot of good food hahaha.

Tita’s hair got a lot longer which I think suits her more, and she got thinner. And I got more motivated to lose weight hahaha, not long from now I am hoping to be in my best shape possible, I wanna look good in my graduation picture, I want to slayyyy hahaha. School will resume in about two weeks and I couldnt be happier, I am not happy because of the school/term papers, or my professors annoying voices and attitudes, I am excited because I get to spend most of my time with my friends again, I am too bored here just by myself with no one to talk to. And I want to graduate already and earn money, so that I can buy whatever I want without feeling guilty. I feel sleepy but when I close my eyes I just cant drift into peaceful slumber, I have been this way for a week or so, maybe I am getting excessive with my caffeine intake. I stalked Chito Miranda’s facebook profile and it left me swooning, amazed and jealous. Swooning and amazed because of how proud he is of his wife, it’s rare to see that trait in a man proudly posting a picture of their girlfriend/wife on their social media  accounts with a sweet and sincere caption on it, complimenting and telling her how much he loved her and how thankful he is for her existence in his life. Jealous, because no one has ever been that proud to have me, yeah I have met the parents, uncles and aunts ,siblings of my partner but he has never really introduce me to his friends, I met some of them but not all. I am not pressuring nor demanding to meet them because I believe in perfect timing, and he aint also a romantic, so why am I even expecting? hahahaha.

Anyway, Chito Miranda really is the ideal husband that we girls have been dreaming of. He aint that handsome but his simple effort and projection of love is enough to make him Prince Charming 🙂 his wife is a lucky woman, oh and I dont really care about that other thing because he did right by her. Too bad there arent many Chito Mirandas out there, there would have been fewer bitchy females hahahaha.

I finally figured it out

The reason why I hated Taylor Swift so much even though she didnt do anything bad to me,is because we have something in common. It’s not that I had dozens of boyfriends already, it’s because we both see ourselves as “victims“, we developed this so called “victim mentality”. I now understand that it’s the thing that is keeping me from evolving as a person, I always tell people that my “bullied past” is already behind me, but yesterday when I read an article about the Swift and Mr and Mrs West’s dispute I realized that no, I still havent moved on from it yet. I still see myself as a victim, a defenseless fat child with nothing to do but to fake a smile and utter the words “I am okay” even if I am being torned apart inside and all I want is to cry and scream.

And it occured to me that I should stop having this mindset because it is not healthy. I should see myself not as a dementor, but as a regular human being. No one is bullying me anymore (well except for my own mind, hey everyone has their own demons), my parents are divorced so I dont have to hear their constant screaming and physical fights, I am not in a romantic relationship with anyone as of the moment so I dont have to get worked up on someone’s “well being”. So why the heck am I torturing myself with this “oh poor me” attitude? I am a winner. And it’s about time I act like one. I am not that ugly, but I am also not beautiful I am on the safe side, I look “okay”, I am not dumb I know how to speak fluent English and a bit of Mandarin and I have the ability to write poetry, songs and I can draw. I can sing, I can play a number of musical instruments and I know how to play several video games, so why the fuck should I feel sorry for myself when I have been a champion all along? you know what? fuck those people who made me feel down, who doubted my abilities, who fucking broke my heart. No, you fuckers I will not let you harm me again I am over you guys.

There’s nothing wrong with my attitude, I have been like this for years and so far, it hasnt done me harm. Maybe the problem was how you treated me, maybe I shouldnt be the one to adjust this time, this “I am a victim” mentality has been holding me down, well I say fuck it, I am not bullied no more, no parents to make me feel bad about myself, no boyfriend to stress me out, no I am independent and I dont need constant reassurance from other people to make me feel good about myself. Just stop playing the victim Taylor, stop making these fuckers sympathize for you, stop manipulating them like what I did to others too. Stop triggering their guilt to get what you want. It’s time to play fair, well at least that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

Malamig na gabi: Munimuni

Bale, pangatlong baso ko na ng kape ito ngayon.

Ang lamig lamig naman kasi eh ang lakas maka senti ng panahon. Naaalala ko ang pasko, at walang ibang dinulot saakin ito kundi lungkot. Katulad ngayon eto nanaman ako o, sa totoo lang wala talaga akong balak na magsulat ngayon e kaso para narin may magawa at ng hindi ako ginugulo ng isipan ko. Lalo na ngayon at wala naman akong makausap ng matino dito sa bahay, kaya heto hanggang ngayon naka kulong ako sa kwarto, maghapon na ito, ay sandali halos magtatatlong linggo na nga pala akong hindi nalabas ng bahay (syempre exception nung birthday ko haha). At hindi parin ako naliligo hanggang ngayon, bakit ba? wala namang aamoy sakin e. Kanina pagbaba ko para kumuha ng bingo sa jar nakita ako ni Nanay at tinanong nya ako “Ano bang problema mo at nagmumukmok ka sa kwarto mo? share naman” natigilan ako saaking kinatatayuan at medyo matagal rin bago ako naka sagot, hindi ko kasi maintindihan kung ano nga ba ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang bigla ko na lang gustong umiyak, sa wakas nahanap ko na ang dila ko at sumagot ako ng “Ha? wala naman po ‘nay sinusulit ko lang talaga ang bakasyon”, sabay dali dali kong kinuha ang biskwit at patakbong umakyat ng hagdanan at pagkarating sa aking silid ay agad kong ni-lock ang aking pintuan, napaka bilis ng tibok ng aking puso, at nadurog na din yung bingo. Sabay napatanong akong sa sarili ko ng “ano nga ba ang problema mo?”, pag minsan kasi hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang aking sarili, katulad nalang kanina akala ko ayos lang ako at akala ko nga nageenjoy pa ako sa panunuod ng season 2 ng The Walking Dead na inabot ako ng magdamag para i-download, pero pagbaba ko biglang hindi na pala ako okay. Nakakaputangina lang kasi kung iisipin, ako lang ba ang ganito? ang bobo naman ng tanong ko, syempre hindi lang ako di ba? haha.

Karamihan kasi sa atin mapag panggap, mapag panggap ng nararamdaman. Normal naman yan kaso bakit parang hindi naman dapat? katulad ko. Ayaw ko kasi ng tinatanong ako ng tinatanong lalo na kapag medyo personal na, ayoko ng paulit ulit, ayaw ko kasing machoke, ayaw kong makikita akong naiyak, ayaw kong makita nila na mahina ako, pero ang totoo…mababaw talaga ang luha ko, pinipilit ko lang dalahin at ilugar ang pag atungal ko. Pag minsan kinakagat ko dila ko, o dinidilaan ko yung ngala ngala ko kapag ramdam ko na naiiyak na ako, kadalasan nagbibiro ako at kapag natatawa na sila natatawa narin ako, pero iniinda ko parin ang pagpatak ng aking luha. Magaling ba akong magdala ng problema? gago hindi hahaha, pag minsan nakakaisip narin akong gumawa ng hindi dapat kaso natatakot akong baka sisihin nila ang pamilya ko kapag ginawa ko yun, at kung totoo ang langit…baka hindi ako papasukin, kaya eto madalas nagsusulat nalang ako, o dinadaan ko nalang sa pagtulog ang lahat. Sinubukan ko naman na sabihin sa iba ang mga problema ko kaso, hindi sila naniwala e tinawanan lang nila ako, akala kasi nila nagbibiro ako. So balik tayo sa katanungan ni Nanay na kung “may problema” nga ba ako, dahil naka pagisip na ako at naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko yan, oo Nanay may problema ako sa totoo lang marami nga e: natatakot ako sa darating na pasukan dahil hindi ko alam kung kakayanin kong makakuha ng matataas na marka sa aking mga aralin, natatakot akong baka mabuwag ang tropahan namin dahil sa alitan ng dalawa, natatakot akong baka hindi payagang umuwi ang Daddy ko sa graduation ko, at natatakot ako na baka hindi ako makuha sa Cebu Pacific na baka makapag patulong ako kay “Tito Ninong” na may katungkulan sa ahensya ng Magsaysay Corp, natatakot akong paginitan ng mga katrabaho ko kasi may “backer” ako, na hindi ko kayang makapasok  sa trabaho ng ako lang. Oo nanay tangina ang dami dami kong problema, yung problema ko hindi lang yung pang ngayon, pang bukas…yung akin nagsspan na ng mga 2 years. Advance ba ako magisip? marahil.

Pero hindi ko maaaring sabihin sayo yan Nanay, kasi baka pagisipan mo ako ng masama kasi di ba hindi naman ganyan ang nakasanayan nyong ako? sanay kasi kayo na “happy go lucky” ako, na YOLO lang lagi, bungisngis, matalino nga ako sa paningin nyo e. Pero hayup na yan, kinakain ako ng takot tuwing saulian ng test papers kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako “halimaw” katulad nung highschool na kahit hindi mag review nakaka perfect sa exams, ngayon sa totoo lang kahit naka 2 bote na ako ng gatorade na blue at isang tasang kape magising lang sa pagrereview…hindi pa rin kataasan ang nakukuha kong marka. Nanay dahil sa simpleng katanungan mo saakin nag overthink nanaman ako, dahil sa pagtatanong mo sakin kung may problema ako nahalungkat ko kahit yung kaunaunahan kong hinaing mula ng magsimula ako mag kolehiyo……ikaw palang kasi ang nagtanong saakin nyan na walang bahid ng kahit ano. Kaso hindi ko maaaring sabihin sa iyo e, salamat nalang kasi napansin mong may kakaiba sa akin kasi kahit ako hindi ko na rin napansin e hahaha. Karamihan naman saatin mas pinipili pang magsinungaling para umiksi ang usapan di ba? kaya Nanay pagbigyan mo na lang ako ha? hayaan mo, baka balang araw masabi ko rin sayo.

Eto na nga ba kaya ayaw ko kapag malamig ang gabi e, lumalabas ang kaartehan ko. Bahala na nga kayo dyan bababa na ako, maliligo at magtitimpla ulit ng kape hahaha.

Ikaw tol? Okay ka lang ba?

(Featured image from facebook)

I shouldnt have done that

Have you ever regretted watching a movie because it was too upsetting? I mean anyone can sit through badly made horror movies and cheesy thriller CGI looking ones like Sharknado and Piranha 3D, but sitting through a movie like An American crime? Jesus Christ, I had to stop watching it because my heart couldnt take it anymore. I have to say that I watched this movie because I have watched “The Girl next door” and I got curious as to what this more popular adaptation of the Sylvia Likens story is like. I finished watching The Girl next door though, I couldnt get through An American crime because of how sweet and innocent Sylvia was portrayed (I think she really was like that in real life), and I just couldnt bear seeing her being hurt and tortured and degrared like that. I thought I can take this because I had seen the other movie about it, but dear Lord I wasnt prepared. Maybe because this (american crime) gave more of the Likens girls back story, like in the beginning when we see that the girls attend Sunday service with their mom, and how Sylvia developed this friendship with Paula she even asked her about her problem after she came home late and was slapped by Gertie. I wouldnt say that I didnt see it coming, I knew from the very start that shit is bound to happen but after watching how sweet the girls and the kids were to her, I kinda wished this was a happy movie, that she didnt have to get tortured and fucked.

The movie is actually made up of well known actors (and almost all of them are the ones that I liked) Ellen Page, Evan Peters, James Franco and Gertie was played by that woman who played the love interest of Mark Ruffalo in Begin Again. I wonder though, if the way she played Gertie is accurate, the way she portrayed her is different from the Girl next door’s portrayal fo her (Gertie’s name was also altered in the Girl next door), because this Gertie (American Crime) seemed hesitant, and almost regretful after every punishment she does to Sylvia, whereas the Gertie from the other movie shows no remorse and is a complete she-devil, I dunno if she was like that until the end of the movie because like I said I didnt finish it, Gertie also looked worn out and frail unlike the one in TGND who still looked glamourous, she almost made me sympathize for her but since I know what she did to those poor young girls, I couldnt bring myself to. I only got to the part where this little girl was telling the courtroom about how Gertie made Sylvia stick up a bottle up her vagina, and that when Sylvia said “I cant” Gertie told her “YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT”. Jesus Christ of Nazareth I just couldnt do it anymore, I gave up, she was dragged to the basement by the boys, and she was screaming sorry. I couldnt take the fact that Gertie made her do that in front of Ricky, who had a crush on her. My take is that she’s just jealous of Sylvia’s purity and of the fact that boys go for her, and she (Gertie) is worn out that she doesnt even feel/look beautiful anymore.

There are currently two movies which made me close my laptop screen and say “Okay I’ve had enough, this movie is hurting me and this is upsetting as fuck”, the first one is Boys dont cry and now….this. Btw, this was based on a true story of a young girl named Sylvia Likens I am not going to tell you about what happened to her because I am sure that google will be more accurate than me hahaha, it happened in 1965 though. I cant say that I recommend this because it is sad and I actually didnt finish watching it too, but if you have a high tolerance for that then go ahead check it out. I saw this post in tumblr saying that Sylvia is a masochist because if she wasnt, then she shouldve just ran away. I dont think so, keep in mind that she was a 16 year old girl when this happened a child, and children openly accept punishments from authoritative figures, in one of the scene in this movie this little girl told Jenny “Dont cry Jenny, mama’s just punishing her”. See? in the eyes of children they are just being corrected, and maybe she didnt want Jenny to be tortured because she had polio remember? so she took the beatings that are supposed to be for Jenny for herself instead. Her story reminded me of Junko Furuta, this Japanese high school who was kept in captive by 5 (I think) Japenese delinquents and was tortured as well, both were tortured severely but held on for a long time, but their bodies gave up and so they died.

I sure hope these girls are in a better place now, free of suffering and pain.

The day after

So yesterday was my birthday and it was the best one that I had so far. Last year was also nice because my friends surprised me when I thought we were over throwing surprise parties for each other. This years celebration is the best because I spent it with my  family in the afternoon, I took them to a nearby restaurant and we ate quality food, my brother and I talked about things, my grandmother laughed a little too much and that was always great, and then that night I went to Lucban with my friends we went to a bar and it was awesome we got a little shit faced and we danced until we felt the walls stop spinning around us, I am not a good dancer but I danced like a lunatic yesterday. I wore something that I dont normally wear and I got compliments on how slimmed down I looked, and that felt great.

Someone sent us free drinks but I didnt drink it because I dont trust people hahaha. I have to admit I missed that life, going to bars and dancing and meeting new people without being restrained with the sanctity of monogamy, it was fun. And losing weight and looking better (their words not mine) felt awesome! I didnt think I looked beautiful (and I still dont think so) but being called as one, is nice. I am now sure of what I want, unlike last week where I was confused and doubtful. I talked to him last Wednesday and I apologized for everything, I even told him “If I asked you to come back will you?“, because it has been floating in my mind…that question, even after the night we broke up, and for my own peace of mind I gave up and asked him. I didnt expect him to come back to be honest haha and I will be alright with either a “Yes” or a “No” but he couldnt give me an answer right away. The cool thing about that talk is that we said everything that we have to say to each other, he told me the reason behind why he treated me that way, and I told him that he had to act like a man (because he acts like a stubborn little kid), he said he will give me the answer after a week, that he wanted to review first and I said alright. And I had time to think about it myself, now  I am sure of what I want to do, I want to focus on my studies because I’ll be graduating soon, I want to find myself and enjoy my freedom because I have been in and out relationships since freshman year college, come on I need to get my shit together hahahaha. But I am not saying that I will not allow myself to get into a relationship, what I am saying is that I am no longer optimistic to the posibility of us. And I am not looking for anyone, I am waiting. There’s a difference….if I am bound to have a new boyfriend this semester then okay, i’ll let fate do its job but I aint going to force myself into one.

To be honest, you dont really feel older after every birthday, you wont even feel different. Age is just a number, it’s up to you to better yourself and to make a difference. I learned a lot from my teenage years, I had to learn the hard way but at least I did. I learned that happiness is a choice and that it also depends on us, dont ever beg for someone to stay in your life because if they are meant to stay then they shouldnt have left in the first place, take responsibility for every action and decision that you make, be firm about it. It was also very heart warming because I found out yesterday that I know many people, that they are nice enough to send me birthday greetings and wishes. I am not a “material girl” I appreciate even those kinds of things, all I want is to feel loved and cherished and remembered….and that is what I got yesterday, and that is the reason why this years birthday is the best. I didnt expect anything from anyone and I didnt get disappointed, I didnt wait for anyones birthday greeting and I didnt get upset, do you now see what I meant by saying You’re responsible for your own happiness?. Now I am controlling mine and I have never felt as powerful and in tune with myself. I guess this is what being 20 is about, I am not saying that I figured out how life works….I am just saying that I am kinda enjoying it now. I was a premature baby, my mom gave birth to me in July when it should have been September, I was so small my mom said that I could fit in a size six keds shoe box, and I was so thin that they thought I was going to die that same night. But I didnt, I am now an adult but my father still sees me as a little girl because he still couldnt believe that I pulled through despite being born early, he still calls me his “little miracle”. I am thankful for everything that happened in my life, and if there’s only one thing I regret doing in my teenage years, I guess it has to be that I didnt take chances when I should have. Because now I am full of what if’s in my head, but now I vow to take more risks and to not be afraid anymore.

(Featured Photo: what I looked like from when I became a teenager up to when I was 19. A little tribute to my teenage years haha)

Friday: Stressed

I thought by being single i’ll be free from  stress because i’d have no one to worry about, or to think about in a “has he eaten yet?” kind of way, but I was wrong because I still am! but unlike before where I become paranoid because I think about stuff like “is he with another woman and is she making him happier?” this time I get stressed about the things I see on social media. Because I am now single the only purpose of my facebook account is to keep me from being bored by scrolling through my feed, I dont do that before because the only facebook feature that I used was the messenger but now it’s a different story HAHAHA. I get bothered easily because I hate it when people act stupid. Yes, I used the word “act” because I dont believe that stupidity is inborn, no one was born with it. I get irritated with this certain “sexy personality” who claims that she is a “journalist” albeit not having an educational background on journalism, all because she makes these long ass text posts about her “idol” who happens to be someone who is elected in the highest position in this country, she makes these one sided claims which is highly unethical if she really is a legitimate journalist. And the sad part about it is that many people back her up, a bimbo is backed by hundreds of people who appear to be rational and educated. Why do you tolerate her? well I know what you’re going to tell me, “we live in a democratic country and everyone is allowed to express their opinions”, yes well I suggest for her to comeback to her expertise…teaching people how to give lap dance and tips on how to give the perfect blow job. Leave journalism and political analysis to the professionals please.

The other thing that  bothers me is the amount of summary killings this past month, what happened to “innocent until proven guilty”, why are you people okay with this? Is lawful arrests and speedy trials with stern sentences impossible to do? is it too difficult? what if some of these people who have died are innocent and they just got slaughtered because they fit the image of a drug addict or a drug pusher? is the word heard through a grapevine conviction enough to punish someone with death? why is this being tolerated by the government? is this what change is like? I was appalled by a picture I saw on my feed, it was a photo of a little girl dressed in pink bloodied on a car seat, Jesus Christ, it was a drug ambush…she is a helpless child why did you have to do it to her too? is contacting the proper authorities that hard for you that you are willing to slaughter a helpless child just to punish a so called “drug user/pusher”? when was it okay to kill? wasnt it in the 10 commandments  “thou shalt not kill thy neighbor”. “God is the only one who can claim lives” I once heard the mother superior in my school (I studied in a Catholic school before) say, why are there so many people playing God now? arent you all Jesus freaks? dont you believe in the judgement day and in heaven and hell? when will your illusion that you’re doing this country a favor by killing these “alleged suspects” end? dont you see you’re making it a hell hole? am I the only rational person here?

All of us are possible drug users/pushers, there is no way of telling. What are you basing this on? looks and informants? have you investigated long enough to know if these are factual claims? who will die next? an old woman/man? someone’s uncle Pipoy? a poorly looking carpenter? these are the things that keep me up at night. The disturbing fact that people are getting slaughtered and wrapped in tapes and labeled with “I am a drug user/pusher dont be like me” in a piece of cardboard in their chest and the majority of Filipino people being okay with it saying “they deserved it“. Did that little girl deserve it too?

What happened to my beloved country? i’d like to quote Mr. Yan Yuzon:

“How much longer will you keep convincing yourself that these shady drug killings are the price we have to pay for peace? Because at this rate, it seems we will be paying everyday–for a very long time. Collateral damage–these lives?”