We both knew.

That moment when you sent me that message I already knew what it will be about. And I had prepared myself for that for a couple of months actually, so I wasnt that surprised, you stopped making the only effort you make for me which was to message me every day even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. I knew that it will come, and on that faithful night, as I was slouching on a filthy train seat, it did. I replied with those words “tell me what it is, so that I can fuck off already” not to fake bravery, but because I did mean that. And as sharp as my gut was, I was right. I knew we were like a ticking time bomb, and I didnt do anything to alter that, you told me that the only thing that’s wrong with our relationship was that we didnt have time and I dont trust you enough, well although true believe me it isnt just that. I didnt argue with you that night because I am tired and as you went on and on about what went wrong and etc, I was in a trance, it was like an epiphany but it was nothing divine. I just realized that what you are saying were right and I dont think I want to stop that. Because I am a very literal and logical person, I realized that what you were telling me were the very things that I felt even before, at the start of our relationship. In a way, you were taking the words out of my mouth, and I found myself nodding as I was reading on my phone screen.

Ending an almost 2 year relationship via mobile/virtual message is fucked up but we are living in the digital age, who the fuck cares about face to face confrontation right? as a matter of fact, if it wasnt for my traditional “Dalagang Filipina” etiquette that has been instilled in me, I wouldnt even be thinking about that right now hahaha but that’s that, and I am happy that I didnt get to see you as this happened. Because I knew that I will be giggling in front of you and you will either storm off or hate me more than you probably do. Now I am not a perfect girlfriend, I am nowhere near that spectrum. I once was, but I became this cold because of all of the relationshit that I’ve been through. The funny thing was that, that night I was planning to call you and I was willing to turn into that mushy, caring and compassionate girlfriend because I was wearing the shirt you gave and was also carrying Lucas, and I also realized that I have been ignoring you for like 2 weeks and I was missing you but then I saw your message and immediately got relieved because at least you saved me from humiliation hahaha. If you’ll ever read this you’d probably think I am lying, but I swear on my grandmother’s life I am not. I told you that you were immature, because you are and I am too. After that conversation I deleted everything related to you especially on my phone, I hid Lucas back in his bag again. I did kinda get sad because of the fact that next month wouldve been our 2nd anniversary but then I realized that I shouldnt be because, our relationship was almost non existent anyway.

I realized that, we were like a product that doesnt have a long shelf life. We got past our “best before” date and we got bland. And we didnt do anything about it because we both have huge egos hahaha. I did promise myself something that night though, that on my next relationship I’ll give it my all, I wont hold back anymore. Eh ano ba naman yung una akong magchat sa umaga no? or to buy cellphone load to call and check if he’s alright. So what kung hindi sya nagiinitiate manuod ng movie? I’ll ask him first. I’ll become that 17 year old love struck teenage girl who gave all her heart. Para naman kung iwan man ako at least masasabing hindi ako nagkulang, unlike with you. You never said it directly but I think that’s what you’re trying to get across my thick facade. I’ll be a better girlfriend, you werent a perfect boyfriend either. But it was someone like you who made me realize how a relationship works, it’s give and take talaga, sometimes it’s one sided but at least someone’s trying. I thought about the times when you needed me the most but I wasnt there, I knew what was happening to you but I was too neurotic that I kept telling myself you didnt need me, that your friends are all you needed. And although I still think I am right, I shouldnt have had that mindset, because in a relationship there are only two people and you’re supposed to be each others anchor or support system. That day when you were confined because of some allergic reaction to prawn, I shouldve been there to take care of you. But I didnt go because I was afraid of being called “Ay gf of the year naman pala talaga e” or “Baduyan naman pala”, I grew up in a household full of men. So the machismo complex rubbed off on me I didnt want to seem soft because my kuyas told each other that “boys dont cry”, or those who do are gay. But I wanted to be by yourside that time. And I am sorry about that, that time when your team lost in the CDC I wanted to console you but I told myself that all you needed was your team mates and a bottle of strong liquor and you’ll be fine.

I could be wrong, but those were the things that my heart and my gut were telling me to do that time. I just kept fighting it, now I am here in my room typing this long ass post. Am I feeling sad? not really. I loved you though, it mightve seem like I didnt but I did. I already told everyone about what happened to us, and as I expected Lola was the most affected of them the most hahaha I dunno why but you were her favorite, my dad said he liked you but I’ll find another man, and so did my mom. I’ll miss your sisters though, especially your eldest ate. I never had sisters, thanks for making me experience what it’s like, the only time I agreed to wear a dress and be smeared with make up willingly was on her wedding day. But that’s that, I am in the process of figuring out how to start the next chapter of my life and I am excited actually. I wish nothing but the best for you, and if you ever read this I can still be your friend my inbox is always open for you.

 

(naks para namang binabasa nya to hahahaha)