Girl, let go

I have been annoyed by your recent posts on your social media accounts, which being your bestfriend, I follow and strive to keep up with religiously. It’s still bitter tweets for him, about him, his new girlfriend, him, him, him, come on woman! It’s been months! you guys broke up the same time me and M broke up, we both cried our hearts out and even got drunk as fuck. It’s been what? 5 months? I have already moved on with my life, sister why cant you? Mike already did.

According to you, he has a new girlfriend now, who is an older woman. And you are so furious at him, why? he’s not cheating on you, in simpler terms: YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET HURT ANYMORE. Because you two dont have a commitment anymore, you dont even talk, you shouldnt even care about him anymore, you should treat him like he was someone you used to know. Sister, stop obsessing over him, stop harassing him and his new girl, I am your bestfriend and I will stand by you til the end but by now, let me be the voice of reason. If we were in highschool I wouldve joined you in your plan to physically assault, and humiliate the “old hag”, but no I am 21 years old now and I’m too old for that shit. The lady didnt do anything wrong to you, you have no grounds, he is a single man.

Stop this foolishness, stop chasing after someone who doesnt want to be chased. You’ll gain nothing from it, he wont come back because if he wanted to, he wouldve months ago, stop hoping, he wouldnt have left you in the first place if he loved you. That’s what I tell myself every night, besides you two were like us as well, you werent a good couple. On many occasions we found ourselves crying because of our boyfriends right? what helped me move on was the realization that not everyone you lose is a loss. Which was true for me, he never was a good boyfriend and I wasnt a good girlfriend for him either. There was this one night when I almost begged him to come back to me because I felt lonely, but then I thought about the times he chose most people over me, how he never made an effort for me, how he never listened to me, and again I was reminded why I let him go in the first place.

There’s always a reason why things happen, maybe you two were separated because your relationship did more harm than good, maybe you arent for each other and he was introduced to you to serve as a lesson. Take it from me, everything will become easier once you get rid of all sorts of contact with him, unfollow him on every social media sites, delete his number, erase your conversations, delete all his photos, and once you’re done with this, in comes the hardest part, moving on. The moment M unfriended me on facebook, I felt sad because I thought I’ll never see him again, but after a week or two I realized that it was a good thing, it sped up my moving on process, along with that I also unfollowed his sisters on facebook, his cousins, his friends, everyone related to him, I put everything that reminded me of him in a box, and I forced myself to forget every song I wrote for him. And now I am no longer stuck up on him, I still think of him from time to time but not as much as I used to, now I can finally say that losing him wasnt that bad because we were both bad for each other anyway, maybe it’s time for you to do the same sis.

I promise you, it’s better than being bitter and negative all the time. Im not saying that you should be rude to him and not smile when you see him, be nice enough to reply to him if he ever greet you on your birthday, smile at him when you pass each other, dont make things awkward. I know I can do that now, I know I can smile at M because I am not angry anymore, because it doesnt hurt anymore, because I accepted everything, and because I already forgave him. Maybe that’s what you need, to forgive someone who was never sorry. So cheer up, enough with the hatred, there are plenty of things to look forward to in life, we are young remember that! there are jobs waiting for us, adventures, food to eat, roadtrips, drunk nights, and if our exes are already dating why dont ¬†we? we’ll find our Princes, and this time around they will be the right ones, cheer up! forget those who forgot you ūüėČ

Part 1: Done

So I went to Malate yesterday and at first I was kinda nervous because I will be having my first interview, I didnt even sleep at the bus (I left our province at 3 AM) throughout my travel (the travel time from my province to Manila is 4 hours) because I was thinking about what my answers will be to the questions of my interviewer. By the time I got there, there weren’t much traffic but just to be sure I took the train and got off at Quirino station. I waited for my mother at Jollibee and I ate pancakes, not my fave spaghetti and chicken joy because I was afraid that my nerves might get the best of me and poop during the interview, which wouldve been an inconvenience really. We got there at about 8:30 am and I was the 5th one to be interviewed, most of the people there in the lounge were seamen (I giggled, Im immature sorry) who were renewing their contracts, which makes sense because it’s a maritime agency. Most of them are as old as my dad, but they’re really approachable one even asked me if I am applying for a tanker vessel or another type which I forgot, and I replied with “hindi po, I’m applying as a Casino dealer” and he said that it makes sense because he said I’m pretty, that made me blush.

At about 9 am we were instructed to get inside to fill up the interview rubricks (I think), I was the first to ¬†finish and I noticed that I was the only girl that day, I felt a little out of place when someone in ¬†their black liberty uniform tapped ¬†me by the shoulder to take my already finished form, and I recognized the patch on his shoulder, he’s from the same university as ¬†me! And I do recognize his face, and because I am desperate for someone to talk to I went out of my way and chatted with him. Turns out he’s doing ¬†his OJT there, which baffled me because I thought they’d be on board a ship and not in offices like that, I asked him about it and he said that it’s part of it. And then I was called inside the office, and was asked questions at first, it was the basics like tell me about yourself, how did you find out about our company, and then he started asking me informal questions which I think I answered accurately, I even cracked jokes and he did laugh with me which was a relief. Then he asked me to get up and turn around, he made me stand on the wall with measurements and determined my height, my arm reach, and then he asked me to demonstrate how I will deal games and stuff like that, so I made an impromptu spiel, and I think I did great.¬†And after that, he shook my hand and said I passed the first part and gave me schedule for the exam. I was pleased and proud of myself, but I know that it’s not over yet, I havent landed the job yet, I still have to take an exam, go on training to get my seaman’s book, and get SSS, Pag-ibig, and other documents. I hope I do pass the exam though, I really want this job.

My mom was so proud of me that she treated me to an eat all you can buffet, and a shopping spree at Daiso (cheap momma is cheap hahaha), and bought me sandals too, and in return I did treat her to starbucks, the featured image is me looking pleased in the buffet, it was taken by my uber proud momma hahahaha. She said I lost weight because my neck seemed longer and skinnier, I dont feel like I’ve lost weight though. On my way back to our province I was caught in traffic and my supposed to be 4 hour travel became 5! which made my whole body ache, especially my feet. But all in all it was a great day.

I’ll tell you about the result of the exam, wish me more luck hahaha mga bay sana magtuloy tuloy ūüėÄ

This is it

I received a text message earlier which I dismissed reading because I thought it was another reminder from my mobile network of their promos, but when I read it, it was from an agency in Malate which I found on Jobstreet, and where I applied for a job. It said to report to their office on Monday August 7, for an interview. I felt excitement run through my body and I couldnt wait, it’s been awhile since I’ve sent that application and I started to put off the notion that they even got it.

I havent done walk in applications yet, although I have been planning to. Maybe it’s because of my introverted nature and my fear of rejection, which is quite silly if you think about it, because how else will I get a job? my Plan B is to ask my uncle for help, which he already is nagging me about, the only actual interview I went to was in the agency he worked for, and of course I passed the final interview and the exam, they actually asked me to go on Basic Training already, but I am still undecided until now. Maybe it’s my ego, but I want to land on a job because of my own skills, because I impressed the panel who interviewed me, and not because I am the favorite niece of the HR manager.

I started reading my old notes and diagnostic exam reviewers, I have looked up tips on how to pass the interview, dont get me wrong it’s not because I dont know what to do. I just want to know how to be better at it, I rearranged my resume, and I tried calming myself down, I hope to pass the interview in that company. I dont like being a freeloader anymore, I want to live on my own as well, I want to make money already to help with the household bills and to spoil myself without feeling guilty. I havent told anyone yet, even my daddy, who has been very supportive of whatever I do. I want to surprise them if ever I pass this one you know? I hope I do.

However, there’s still a possibility of me not getting this job though but I am trying to be positive. I have seen tweets from fellow fresh graduates of how upset and sad they are for not passing an interview. Well, I guess the only positive thing I can think of if ever I were in their position is that, at least I gained experience on how it goes and how to cope with rejection. But I refuse to show up on Monday empty handed, this is it go big or go home, I might appear “pabibo” but at least I’ll be able to keep my head up high after it if ever I fail, and say “I did my best”.

That’s it, I am hoping for the best wish me luck! ūüėÄ

how are ya?

I took a mini hiatus from the interwebs and buried myself in Neil Gaiman and Stephen King’s books because I felt upset so I had to de-stress myself, and writing poetry and reading are the only things I know for that. Anyway, sorry for my outburst I know it’s a little bit over the top. I feel alright now, well I still dont think I am pretty but I dont beat myself up for it. The thing is that, I went to my dentist to get my teeth cleaned and as I looked into the mirror to put on my primer and foundation I noticed how clear my skin looked like. I mean I dont have any pimples today! so I didnt bother putting on foundation just concealer under my eyes. I felt good about that, and I didnt feel too insecure to go outside, I am back to my cheerful and outgoing self. I didnt feel sticky and oily earlier because I didnt have to put layers upon layers of coverage on my face.

Must be because of all the crying and drinking of water I did while feeling like the ugliest person alive, who knew that would work as a pimple cure? I also slept early during those days because my eyes were too puffy and without even noticing it I was asleep at about 9 PM hahaha. Anyway, I talked to my doctor about my anemia medication, and she said I still have to take them but advised me to drink slimming tea to help with the weight gain (I told her that I was working out regularly of course), and you know what? I’ll try to be less sensitive this time. I’ll try not to get triggered by silly remarks about my appearance because being upset isnt healthy and I hate the feeling of it too.
(yep thats me on the featured photo, sorry for my narcisissim)

Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER.¬†

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself: ¬†if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.

Sorry mom

My mother gave me money, she told me to buy new clothes because ¬†she said the shirts ¬†or clothes that I own are like those ¬†of a 14 year old boy, which wasnt entirely true because I have like 3 dresses, and a shit load of shorts. But anyway, I still accepted it despite being offended and I thought ¬†maybe she’s right, I will be working soon and I ¬†dont think ¬†graphic marvel t-shirts and black skinny jeans will do. So I ¬†went to the mall and went straight to the department store, and I didnt like any of the shirts there. I ¬†found myself wanting to buy an olive green TMNT shirt but I fought the urge and didnt. I went to other ¬†stores like oxygen, where I bought one shirt and pants, and then to Penshoppe where I didnt buy anything, and then to Tribal, to be honest I find their shirts cheesy with their ¬†try hard font, and I find their lack of male employees disappointing, come on if you’re gonna have ¬†female employees with nearly exposed ¬†breasts and butts, might as well have good looking hunky men too.

I went to at least 3 more stores and I got exhausted, so I went to Jollibee for a snack of ¬†burger and fries. I didnt wanna go clothes shopping anymore so I decided to go to National Bookstore to check some books out. And when I got there it was as if I was ¬†in a safe haven! I am not even exaggerating, after 2 hours of rummaging through clothes I was basking in the comfort of books. I ¬†already have two shelves full of them, and my mom always tell me “YOU ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY BOOKS! ENOUGH ALREADY!” but I dont think I do. I have read all of them, some I re-read ¬†thrice like Harper Lee’s To kill a mocking bird, Alice Walker’s The Color Purple, Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and Graveyard Book, and JD Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. You can never have too many books, I’ve always felt at home whenever I have a book with me. Being ¬†introverted I spent my childhood reading Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss, then moved on to Lemony Snicket to Leonard Tolstoy. I love the smell of its pages and the texture, especially while drinking a hot beverage or eating a bar of chocolate.

I ¬†am not being a special snowflake here but, I guess you can say that I ¬†am among those girls who will choose buying books over ¬†clothes and make up. ¬†I guess it’s because unlike make up and clothes, I know more about them and I am familiar with them. ¬†I dont like change and I go by routine you know? ¬†Yesterday, I bought Lord of the flies by William Golding, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett and 2 books by one of my favorite Filipino author Ms. Jessica Zafra: ¬†Twisted ¬†8 1/2, ¬†The Stories so far. ¬†There were so many ¬†books ¬†that I ¬†wanted to buy still, like Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and Anne Rice’s Prince Lestat, but I ¬†didnt have enough money left, ¬†so I ¬†promised myself I’ll find a job ¬†this august so ¬†that I can buy ¬†these.

I ¬†still have so many classic novels ¬†that I ¬†want to ¬†read, yet they’re either hard to find or ¬†they’re too much for my budget. But anyway, I got home and my grandma ¬†scolded ¬†me telling me that my mother ¬†will ¬†get mad once she finds out I bought books instead ¬†of clothes again. I acted ¬†as if I ¬†was guilty but I couldnt wait to go upstairs lock myself in my room and start ¬†reading my new books! ¬†I feel bad for them though because there isnt space for them on my second bookshelf anymore, and I keep my poor books on a shoebox beside my bed, and they’re getting too dusty and I cant just clean them in a jiffy because I have asthma and inhaling dust will stir a reaction.

I need a boyfriend who will make bookshelves for me….well assemble assuming that we get it from IKEA hahaha.