“It’s gonna be fun” he said.

At about 9 am earlier I received a message from him saying “Patambay sa inyo may ibibigay ako sayo/ Can I stay at your place? I’ve something to give you”, and I almost didnt let him because I was writing my Daily Diary and Weekly Report for my OJT Documentation, but I figured he can help me write these so I replied “Sige ba maya mga after lunch/ okay come by after lunch”. But the funny thing was before he came over I already finished it and then I took a bath and at 1:30 PM he arrived.

He was greeted by my baby brother, reaching out his hand and shamelessly saying “Kuya W, may pasalubong ka?” in which he smiled and handed my baby brother 2 chupa chups, which was sweet of him. Then I came down stairs and he immediately dropped his backpack to open it and then he got a little packet from it. At first I thought it was a box of Nerds, but oh no it was a box of the horrid “Bean Boozled” Jelly Beans by Jelly Belly and I immediately felt nervous. This dickhead was even grinning at me like Satan himself and I was like “What are we gonna do with that? I’m not eating that willingly, mate” and he said “I BOUGHT THIS FOR 150 PESOS AND I’LL BE EATING IT BY MYSELF?” I smirked and replied “Yeah, if you’re that stupid enough to eat disgustingly flavoured candy then suit yourself, weirdo” and I could tell that he’s not giving up that easily so he retorted with “Did jelly beans scare the living crap out of you? funny I thought you were tougher than that, Jops” that asshole already knew I couldnt refuse that, he knew that if he attacked my pride I’d give in, and I did.

My grandmother was sitting on her rocking chair and he said “Grandma, you be the witness okay? You see here, there’s no monkey business going on right?” and my grandmother just laughed, she’s sweet I know. He lined up each bean by pairs and here are the flavors:

beanboozledback

You can imagine the horror that I felt. I knew that these jelly beans existed but I havent tried it, not until earlier. And I’ve seen enough youtubers try it to know that it’s not something to mess with, I’ve seen some throw up because of it. But I also felt excited because I’m curious, what does Skunk Spray taste like? and is it really as bad as the Youtubers make it seem? Jesus Christ and it costs 150 Pesos! PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH FOR THIS HORRID THING? Anyway, so we started and him knowing my favourite color is green we started with it. So it’s either Lawn Clippings or Lime, I kid you not my heart was beating so fast and I hoped to get the better tasting one…….he counted to three and then we chewed at the same time, and I was so frickin relieved to taste LIME. We each had plastic bags, well I mean “Barf bags” but one isnt allowed to spit it out. Grow a pair of balls and swallow the damn thing mate, and then he said “I’m starting to think that this isnt a good idea” and I just smirked at him. Second, is either Rotten Egg or Buttered Popcorn I got lucky again, third attempt was either baby wipes or coconut I wasnt let down and on the fourth try which was either booger or juicy pear…is when I was about to thank my lucky stars..I was even chewing it like it was something delectable when my taste buds suddenly had a realization that IT WAS BOOGER MY GAG REFLEX WAS ALMOST TRIGGERED BUT I CHEWED IT DIDNT BOTHERED ME (But it clearly did) BECAUSE FUCK IT MATE, I AM STRONGER THAN THAT. He started laughing like a fucking lunatic, I wanted to punch him square in the jaw for laughing at my agony but I am a changed woman, then the fifth round was Canned Dog food or Chocolate pudding I GOT DOG FOOD AND MAN IT WASNT PLEASANT, HE STARTED LAUGHING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH AGAIN WHILE I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN, And in my mind there’s only regrets as to why I agreed to do this. We had it for another 5 rounds wherein I got toothpaste and licorice and he got skunk spray, barf and stinky socks.

It was hell for our taste buds but it was fun too, we werent the only one who thought so Grandma was also laughing her butt off in her rocking chair. I even tricked my other brother into eating a Baby Wipes flavored one. And then after that we went to a nearby restaurant, (near 7/11) and we ordered “chami” which is a type of fried noodle. And laughed our asses off as we discussed that rather traumatizing activity we just did, then we came into a conclusion that we were both idiots for not video taping our reactions, just for the heck of it….we are a couple of weirdos arent we? but we had fun doing that stupid shit anyway, so it was kinda worth it. We are also thinking about making a cover together of Out of my league by Stephen Speaks and Toxic by Alex & Sierra, with him playing the guitar/vocals and I on the piano/vocals.

He also made me listen to Ang Bandang Shirley, which was an awesome band. All in all, today was a good day.

Triggered

I was having a nice night but I was also tired because I went to the gym earlier. Anyway, so after dinner him and I were talking and that was around 8 pm and then he told me that he’s just gonna eat dinner and take a bath. So yeah, I took my new book and started reading it while listening to music and laying on my bed. Then after that I woke up to my vibrating phone which had like 8 missed calls already! I fell asleep, holy crap. I answered him and he hung up on me. That fucking bitch, and then he messaged me on fb saying “Kung ayaw mo ako kausap dapat nag goodnight ka na/If you didnt want to talk to me you shouldve said Goodnight” and I was like “Sorry na, nakatulog ako/Sorry I fell asleep” and he just “seen-zoned” me that dick.

so I logged into my twitter and ranted I think on my first tweet I said “Nakatulog. Sorry na. Punta ka dito bukas. wag na magtampo/ Fell asleep. Sorry. Come over tomorrow. Stop being salty” hahaha and then when he seen zoned me which was like 3 mins after I posted that tweet I ranted “TANGINA NAGSORRY NA AKO NAGIINASO KA PA PAKYU LAMPAKE/FUCK I APOLOGIZED ALREADY WHATEVER” Or something like that and then I figured that was nonsense really, because he doesnt follow me on twitter well I dont even know if he has a twitter hahahaha. And I muted him on messenger but I checked my inbox and he was like “Mamansin/Notice me” I kinda missed doing that to someone, that “mang away” stuff but then I also realized that I AM DOING IT AGAIN.

I am doing the very mistake I did on my last relationship, I am letting my pride get the best of me. I am venting out on twitter when I shouldve just told him that, I should apologize instead of making matters worst right? I should lower my big ego, I should be sweet. I should be more patient, and I shouldnt swear at him. I shouldnt even be picking a fight with him especially when Im the one who’s wrong. And if I want to make this work, I should be more affectionate and appreciative of his efforts and not just get angry at him over small and shallow things like that. I am done being IMMATURE, this time I’ll leave that behind.

After writing this post I’ll call him (gotta use that 20 mins. free call lol) and apologize and talk to him nicely and ask him about his day. Because I am a changed woman (working on it) this will be the last time I will be ranting on twitter whenever we get into a fight, I’ll tell him directly because that way it will be solved much quicker than indirectly talking to him on a social media website that he doesnt even have hahahaha (bobo lang?). I mean I guess it’s a good thing too, that this happened that I snapped on him. At least as early as now, that we’re still not in a “committed” relationship he became aware that I have that kind of attitude, and now is a good time to decide if he wants to continue or not because I can be cold as fuck. But I am working on that now, I am trying to be better. Time to make that call….I hope he’s still awake hahaha

Im going back to 505

Happiness is temporary isnt it? some might disagree and say that they are living in constant bliss, but my question is…until when will you deny your sadness? until when will you wear that mask of yours? I’m sure sometimes it gets too much and you go into an episode of a mental breakdown. Is it worth it though? if you’re doing that for a relationship, did it work? are you contented with it now? probably not.

That’s my problem. I bottle up everything, giving people the illusion of a happy go lucky girl, when all I really wanna do is shoot everyone in the face. Is that being fake? I dont know, because I consider that as being the “right” thing to do. In this day and age, who likes confrontations? I consider that rather barbaric. In comment sections, that is somewhat common, but those who initiate it are trolls who are hungry for attention, or those annoying “know it alls” who spend their time nitpicking on every answer finding any possible mistake.

I dont like confrontations, well a healthy debate is another thing, but confrontation in its true meaning? no, thank you. It’s not that I am a coward, I can fight alright. But I dont see the point, like I said previously we’re already in the 21st century and we’ve proven that violence doesnt solve anything. I am a firm believer that every fight, can be solved with a peaceful talk you know? because most of the time the cause of it is a “misunderstanding”. But given the animalistic nature of us human beings, we get aggressive and start to scream and throw punches.

How long will it take until you break? yeah I chose that as a title because, well if you dont know yet that is a line that I took out of an Arctic Monkeys song which is “505” which is a song about a couple, where the man says that he wants to go back to 505. 505 is a room number by the way, and my interpretation is that it represents the happier days in their relationship, basically the song is just that the man wanting to go back to those days when they were happy, and crazy in love with each other. Until the bridge goes “BUT I CRUMBLE COMPLETELY WHEN YOU CRY…“, that’s where he broke down. And by that I mean, came back to reality that they arent as happy as they used to be and it makes him feel terrible.

The majority of us only want to be happy. Because who the hell wants to feel sad, cold, lonely and hurt right? so we make this make-believe world that everything is in tip top shape even if it isnt. An illusion which only breaks our spirit in the long run, because you keep making lies and making yourself believe that it is true. We always want to go back to 505, even if it takes a 45 minute or a 72 hour drive, in our imaginations. We still have to face the reality that some things arent meant to be and that we have to accept it in order that achieve true happiness, instead of a fake one. Sometimes you have to let go of something or someone because they/it causes more damage than good.

I hope one day we dont have to use a mask just to appear happy. The world will have fewer psychopaths and serial killers that way.

 

(Kidding of course)

Plan: No time for existential crisis

I’m not the type of person who makes lists of things, but I always forget what I’m supposed to do or buy. I’m not the type of person who plans things because I love the thought of tackling everything head on and proving that I’m strong like that. But most of the time I am bewildered and unprepared. So now, because I am trying to mature (I am almost 21 people) I will be planning everything, so that I know what I’m supposed to do with my life especially now that I am going to graduate from the university in July 5 of this year.

Here’s the plan:

Right, so after graduation I will spend August and September resting and losing weight. Because from what I saw of those Flight Attendants in Cebu Pacific, they were all fit! not a single one of them have body rolls man. Then learn how to apply make up properly because that’s a must, then apply for a job in October as much as possible, in a cruise ship because I get to travel longer, and the salary is more impressive. Then if I ever get lucky and I get employed, after the new year on let’s say March of 2018 I plan to live on my own. Be independent, even if I’m by myself, will rent an apartment in Manila. If I happen to have a boyfriend, and he wants to live with  me, then go ahead man just make sure you know how to cook and clean because I dont HHAHAHAHA. What? we live in the 21st century, must we still be judgmental about that? I mean I dont see anything wrong with living together. I think it’s actually convenient, because you’ll see if you two are compatible enough to be married. Anyway, I dont want to get married yet I’ll have to have a car of my own before I settle down and have three little boys, I will name them Paxton Orion, Maddox O’Shea, Exton Osiris (I said I’ll be planning ahead right?). I’ll buy a shit ton of shoes that I’m too shy to ask my parents for now, I’ll buy my lola all the things she want. But I just want to live independently, you know? It’s not because I hate my family or anything like that. I dont want to rely on someone for anything anymore, you know? I want to be responsible for myself.

So there goes my plan for the future. I hope I get to fulfill them all, I know it wont be easy and simple as I make it to be. But I’ll work hard for it.

 

 

How’s your day?

Taking care of a 4 year old brother is like taking care of a drunk friend, I mean they both speak gibberish, they walk in a funny way, they cry, laugh at anything and at anytime and they throw up. The only difference is, when it’s your drunk friend all you have to do is put some powder all over their face, get them to change their shirt and roll them to the side to make sure they dont drown in their own vomit. But with a 4 year old, it goes on all day! and they tend to get hyper as well and they demand a lot too. Both are tiring to take care of, but is awfully funny because they’re ridiculously silly most of the time.

It also keeps me busy, being my brother’s nanny. Which is a good thing because it takes my mind off things, and it’s also a work out because my baby brother is a fat baby hahaha. I like to think that he’ll choose me as his favorite sibling when we grow older 😉 but anyway, I read “Shopaholic and baby” by Sophie Kinsella and it’s a fun book to read. Not gonna lie I finished it in one sitting! she’s one of my fave authors. I was left wondering if there’s a motion picture of it, because I’d like to see the adorable Isla Fisher as Rebecca “Becky” Brandon again. I’ve nothing planned for today, but tomorrow I’ll be in Tayabas again because my grandma is coming home from Manila. I’ll be accompanying her in Mateuna for I think 3 days, I like going there it’s just the traffic man, it makes it unbearable. They’re making a road in Wakas but I dunno where it leads to, will it be a shortcut to Mate? or what? better ask my cousins tomorrow.

Internet is a no go when I am at my grandma’s house, I dont know why but it’s hard to get a signal over there. I wish she has lots of food like Budin and pastillas,  have that and I’ll stay there for a month Mama HAHAHAHAHA.

Fia’s Sad Playlist.

This is a list of songs I listen to whenever I am sad (broken hearted hihi), and I dont feel like getting out of my room, I recommend it too. If you have time to waste try listening to some of these 🙂 

  1. Strange – Patsy Cline/Alex Turner
  2. I never told you – Colbie Cailat
  3. Evidence – Urbandub
  4. Is this what you wanted? – The Last Shadow Puppets/Leonard Cohen
  5. Dont go away – Oasis
  6. One and Only – Adele
  7. My Immortal – Evanescence
  8. Masaya – Bamboo
  9. Nothing – The Script
  10. Dancing on my own – Callum Scott
  11. Fix you – Coldplay
  12. Pictures of you – The Cure
  13. Are you lonesome tonight? – Elvis Presley
  14. If I knew – Bruno Mars
  15. Hiding my heart – Adele
  16. I’ll never get over you getting over me – MYMP
  17. Just one yesterday – Fall out boy
  18. Like a fool – Keira Knightley
  19. Kung ayaw mo na sa akin – Sugarfree
  20. Love is a Laserquest – Arctic Monkeys
  21. Linger – The Cranberries
  22. Miserable at best – Mayday Parade
  23. Three Cheers for Three years – Mayday Parade
  24. Migraine – Moonstar88
  25. Miss Missing you – Fall Out Boy
  26. Much has been said – Bamboo
  27. Wag mong aminin – Rico Blanco
  28. Cornerstone – Arctic Monkeys
  29. No. 1 Party anthem – Arctic Monkeys
  30. Tayo lang ang may alam – Peryodiko
  31. Slide away – Oasis
  32. Dont look back in anger – Oasis
  33. Chasing cars – Snow Patrol
  34. Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional
  35. I hate to see your heart break – Paramore
  36. In the mourning – Paramore
  37. I dont love you – My Chemical Romance
  38. The one that got away – Katy Perry
  39. ok lang ako – Parokya ni Edgar
  40. When you’re gone – Avril Lavigne
  41. Breakeven – The Script
  42. It mustve been love – Roxette
  43. Need you now – Lady Antebellum
  44. I cant make you love me – Adele
  45. It will Rain – Bruno Mars
  46. Light Behind your eyes – My Chemical Romance
  47. Suck it and see – Arctic Monkeys
  48. Remembering Sunday – All Time Low
  49. I will Follow you into the dark – Death cab for cutie
  50. You oughtta know – Alanis Morissette
  51. Drive – Incubus
  52.  No Surprises – Radiohead
  53. Too good to say goodbye – Bruno Mars
  54. Skinny Love – Bon Iver
  55. Someone like you – Adele
  56. Stay – Rihanna
  57. Back to December – Taylor Swift
  58. Take a bow – Rihanna
  59. Tensionado – Soapdish
  60. Under the bridge – Red hot chili peppers
  61. Stay with me – Sam Smith
  62. Whos loving you? – Michael Jackson
  63. Pale blue eyes – Lou Reed
  64. With or without you – U2
  65. Last Kiss – Pearl Jam
  66. Crying – Aerosmith
  67. I love you, Goodbye – MYMP
  68. Superstar – The Carpenters
  69. Letter to Elise – The Cure
  70. Love song – The Cure
  71. Bluest eyes in texas – Restless Heart
  72. Dont Speak – No Doubt
  73. I remember you – Skid Row
  74. How am I supposed to live without you? – Michael Bolton
  75. I miss you – Blink 182
  76. Make Damn sure – Taking back Sunday
  77. Therapy – All Time Low
  78. Hard to believe – Eraserheads
  79. I wanna get better – Bleacher
  80. Just like a pill – Pink
  81. What a catch, Donnie – Fall out boy
  82. Anna Sun – Walk the moon
  83. Only Reminds me of you – MYMP
  84. True Love waits – Radiohead
  85. Stay – Mayday Parade
  86. What is love? – Nevershoutnever
  87. Across the universe – The Beatles
  88. Hide your love away – The Beatles
  89. Angie – The Rolling Stones
  90. Happily ever after – He is we
  91. Against all odds – Phil Collins
  92. Tears in heaven – Bryan Adams
  93. Home – Michael Buble
  94. Untitled – Simpleplan
  95. Astronaut – Simpleplan
  96. Hands down – Dashboard Confessional
  97. Lullaby – All Time Low
  98. Jar of hearts – Christina Perry
  99. Welcome to my life – Simpleplan
  100. Lost Stars – Adam Levine/Keira Knightley

Panic! at the wedding

Sorry about the title of this post but I couldnt think of anything more clever, anyway this is about a dream I’ve had which was so fricking weird I woke up slightly dizzy and bewildered. It has been awhile since I dreamt about weddings, and the first one was actually lovely, but like most people I already forgot about most of it I just know that it felt lovely. But this one however, I dunno what to feel about.

Okay so it goes like this, I am seeing this in my point of view alright? So I am in a car with who appears to be my mother and father and my daddy was sipping champagne and tearing up, I was still in my regular clothes but I felt uneasy and restless, and then we stepped outside, got inside this hotel that I dont recognize. Got into a “villa” (apparently we’re stinking rich in my dream world lol) with a built in aquarium in the walls, and while marveling at it I see an orca swim by like I’m freaking Ed Helms in “We’re the Millers“, and then I got all dolled up, and I looked incredible and I was fit too! My dad never stopped crying hahaha while my mom just kept staring at me like I’m a valuable diamond necklace from Tiffany and Co. But throughout this whole scenario I felt uneasy. I looked gorgeous but fuck do I feel bad, like my stomach is going topsy-turvy and like I’m on a verge of having a nervous breakdown, but I was posing for the camera with my equally beautiful parents.

As I was witnessing this, I kept telling myself to calm down and that everything is gonna be alright. Because everything looked gorgeous! I WAS STAYING AT A VILLA AND WAS PICKED UP BY A VEHICLE WITH CHAMPAGNE JESUS CHRIST, I was so anxious to see who my groom is. But I was also pleased that they didnt give me a 4 inch heels to wear, but a white ballerina flats instead, then I asked my mother “When will I see him?” not really sure who the fuck he is, and she replied with “Patience dear, you look beautiful”, I felt like throwing up. I had absolutely no chill, I was feeling cold, and my body was shaking but  I had to appear calm and collected and smile, even in my dreams I had to put on a fucking mask. And the final photos was taken there in my room, Gato dressed in a pastel violet long sleeve came in my room and said “Para daw sayo to, sabi nya” he handed me a puppy with a pretty violet ribbon collar, attached to it was a little paper with a heart drawn, AND I FELT ALL THE BLOOD IN ME COME UP TO MY CHEEKS BECAUSE THAT WAS SO SWEET! BUT I STILL DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM MARRYING AND I SCREAMED IN MY MIND “He gave me a fur baby!HE’S A KEEPER” but anxiety is still creeping in and it’s getting worst.

My father kept crying until we’re inside the car and he’s holding my hand, I kept fidgeting because I was gonna get hitched to someone who I might not even know. Good to see that most of the things I wanted for my wedding turned up for (what I thought) the real thing, like the flat shoes, pastel violet motif, and a comfy car, I even have a dog! a song played in the car’s stereo, it was Out of my league and tears started to form on the side of my eyes, because apart from the nervous breakdown that’s threatening to happen, every thing is perfect. The song is my favorite love song of all time and I have a cute puppy on my lap and my daddy is holding my hand while my mom is looking gorgeous as always. I looked out the window and I saw a familiar surrounding, we were in Tayabas my hometown (I was born there, and lived there until I was 9). And I knew where we were headed to, where else but my favorite church (Basilica Menor de San Miguel), I’ve dreamt of walking down its aisle since I was a little girl, I always joked that “Sa sobrang haba nung isle, may time pa ako magisip kung magpapakasal ba talaga ako” and it was happening I think I’m having cold feet. I saw Mich and Mira on the entrance they’re my bridesmaids, I saw my Kuyas too and I took a deep breath, dad opened the car door and my brothers reached for me. As I was getting out of the car, I saw another family but I couldnt really see their faces because most of them are too far or has turned their back on me. And then suddenly I heard Mich say “Mare, so blooming mo naman. Kanina pa sya naghihintay sayo”. And fuck my heart started to beat so fucking fast it’s as if I drank coffee with red bull.

As soon as I walked in the church, everyone looked at me as if they’re stunned. I dunno if they think I am beautiful or just so fucking ugly they are speechless hahaha. Some lady gave me a Bouquet of pink roses, my favorite. And the choir started playing “Out of my league” again, and I felt like throwing up. The small kids started the procession down the aisle, and then it was my turn. My dad took me by the hand and so did my mom, the second chorus was playing “and I love her with all that I am” and I stopped walking, my dad looked at me with a worried expression but after that he said “Go dear” and he let go of my hand and I ran to the door, helter skelter as if my life depended on it. But before I reached the door, I looked back and a man dressed in a dapper suit was running after me, just a few paces. I assume that’s him. But I couldnt see his face, I didnt slow down though I fled and I ran throwing away my bouquet as I go. I didnt want him to catch up, and then I woke up. Parched and bewildered. In case you’re wondering why this is so detailed, I actually wrote this down my journal as soon as I woke up.

I wont call it a nightmare, It was just weird. I dont know what it’s supposed to mean, all I know is that I want to get married in the future. And I want it to be like that, the ceremony (minus me running away hahaha) and the puppy was actually cute. I do want to marry someone who has an equal love for animals as I do, it would be awesome. I also want to have three sons hahahaha. I am wondering who that “groom” was too, but who knows maybe it was Alex Turner or Cole Sprouse all along hahahahaha.