they arent sad enough.

I find comfort in sadness now, I know that’s a little bit heavy but it’s the truth. I thrive in the void people created on me, and why? because I believe that it makes me stronger as a person. Sure, pain isnt that easy to get over with but eventually I will. I did it before and i’ll do it again, time does heal all wounds. Now I cling to sad songs that remind me of all the hurt, that reminds me of how lonely I am, how much I am missing people who will never miss me. But I am no longer desperate for a companion, because maybe I have been too occupied on loving other people that I forgot to love myself. Now it’s time to find the pieces of me that I neglected before, it’s time to reinvent my life, to start over. I am now responsible for my happiness again, I hold the key to life fulfillment I just wish I succeed this time.

Living life knowing that nobody will ever understand you and your attitude is never easy, or maybe I just keep finding the wrong person to be with. Maybe the reason why nobody stays long enough with me is because they arent the ones who are supposed to. So now I am waiting, patiently, however long it takes. I still believe in soul mates and I believe that he is out there looking for me, and i’ll be here when he comes. For now I will focus on what’s in front of me and that’s my upcoming graduation, speaking of being a senior in college, Jesus Christ classes just started and I can feel the pressure already! We have many activities, paper works, documents to complete, resume’s to be passed, quizzes, what the fuck is up with that? I come home exhausted and irritated and still instead of resting I still have to make a 10 page paper on various subjects. I cant wait until I complete both semesters, I cant wait to get out of this region, to meet new people, to go to new places, to breathe in a different atmosphere. I cant wait to earn money to buy all the things that I want in life, to travel, to build my own house, buy my own car oh I have so many goals in life and I am quite optimistic about it.

But for now, I am basking in the loneliness that I feel hoping that I can shake it off by the end of the week. Because there’s no use in pretending that I am happy when I am not, oh and I am sick I have the flu but i’ll still go to school tomorrow hahaha.

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Mahal,

Pasensya na kung magsusulat nanaman ako para sa iyo, pasensya na kung ikaw nanaman ang topic ko, hayaan mo baka huli na ito. Nais ko lamang sabihin sa iyo na kahit sinabi ko nang itigil na natin kung ano man ang namamagitan sa ating dalawa, mahal na mahal parin kita. Sa totoo lang akala ko talaga ikaw na e, akala ko ikaw na ang mapapangasawa ko, na ikaw na ang makakasama ko hanggang sa pagtanda ko pero “akala” ko lang pala ang lahat. Ako nga ba ang problema? Oo, at hindi. Oo dahil hindi ko naman maaaring isisi sa iyo ang lahat, dahil alam ko namang may pagkukulang din ako sa iyo, hindi sapagkat para saakin yung huling pagkakaayos natin inexpect ko na magbabago ka, na hindi ka na katulad nung dati, pero hindi ganun ka parin. Umaasa nalang ako lagi, pero dahil mahal kita hinayaan ko na. Ikaw lang ang lalaking minahal ko ng ganito kasi ikaw lang ang binigyan ko ng paulit ulit na chance at ikaw lang ang binalikan ko. Ikaw lang ang pinakilala ko sa daddy ko, kasi hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang lakas ng tama ko sayo. Dati akala ko pagmahal mo ang isang tao hindi ka mapapagod, akala ko hinding hindi ako mapapagod, pero dun pala ako nagkamali may hangganan pala. Darating at darating ka sa pintong masasabi mong “ayoko na, awat na”. At napagtanto ko yan nung thursday, nung gabing yun na tinawag mo akong “maarte” at nagtanong ka nung nasaan ako pero hindi mo ako pinuntahan man lang, naalala ko lahat ng pagkakataon na ginawa mo sakin yan, naalala ko nung unang beses na inaya kitang manood ng concert ng Silent Sanctuary sa covered court, hindi ba ganyan din ang nangyare? Pinaasa mo rin ako, tinext mo din ako kung nasaan ako tapos wala ka rin namang ginawa…..sabi mo nalowbatt cellphone mo, mahal hindi ba dapat gumawa ka ng paraan para macontact ako kasi gusto mo akong makasama? Pero hinayaan ko lang yun kasi mahal naman kita e, naalala ko yung panahong pinaghintay mo ako ng higit isang oras sa jolibee, okay lang naman sakin na maghintay e pero isang oras? Lagi mo nalang ginawa sakin yun e bakit ba mahirap sayo na mauna sa isang lugar? Naalala ko rin yung mga panahong kailangan ko ng kausap pero hindi mo man lang magawa, yung mga panahong kailangan ko ng kasama pero hindi mo ako masamahan, yung mga panahong kailangan kita pero wala ka. Napaisip ako kahapon ng “bakit ba ako nagtitiis e hindi nanaman magbabago to?” Mahal, mahal na mahal kita pero ayoko na. Hindi ko na hahayaang saktan mo pa ako, hindi ko na hahayaang paasahin mo pa ako, nasa isang relasyon tayo pero pakiramdam ko wala ka naman, nasa isang relasyon tayo pero ni hindi mo ako magawang puntahan. Hindi naman ako mahilig sa materyal na bagay di ba? Mas mahalaga kasi para sakin ang oras at effort. Pero hindi ka ganun e, siguro nga hindi ka para saakin kasi kahit anong pakiusap ko sayo, kahit ilang beses na kitang inaway dahil sa hindi mo pagsasabi saakin kung saan ka pupunta, o kung sino nga ba yung babaeng yun, wala ka lang pakialam, hindi ka siguro para saakin kasi hindi ganyan ang ugali ko. Mahal, ayoko na dahil mas madalas pa ang away natin kesa sa masaya tayo, mas madalas pa ang sama ng loob kesa kilig, mas madalas ang chat kesa sa mga yakap, at mas madalas pa ang tampuhan kesa halik. Aaminin ko na nahili na ako sa ibang magkasintahan, nahili na ako sa samahan nila napatunayan ko na hindi nga pala sa tagal yun, kasi tayo mahigit nang isang taon pero ni hindi mo nga mahawakan ang kamay ko kapag naglalakad tayo, ni hindi mo magawang wallpaper ang litrato ko, hindi mo nga rin ako binigyan ng bulaklak nung valentines, at lalong hindi mo man lang maipublic ang birthday  greeting mo saakin. Dati hindi ko lang sila pinapansin pero ngayon nahihili na ako, sigiro hindi nga lang tayo para sa isat isa, kasi lahat ng hinahanap ko wala naman sayo at hinding hindi ka naman magbabago, lalo na para sa akin. Mahal, matatawa ka kasi confident na confident akong ikaw na nga, nagplano na ako ng tatlong lalaking anak mula sayo may mga pangalan na nga sila e haha pero hayaan mo na, matutupad parin naman sila hindi nga lang ikaw ang ama. Mahal wag kang mag alala, wala nang magsusungit sayo, wala nang mang aaway sayo, hindi narin kita kukulitin na magchat o magtext, wala nang magiinarte sayo, wala naring magaakit sa inuman sayo, pagod na ako mahal. Kinakailangan ko nang magpahinga kasi kailangan ko nang hanapin muli ang sarili ko, yung ako nung bago pa kita makilala, kailangan kong ayusin ang sarili ko para sa susunod kong mamahalin, para buo na ulit ako para hindi na nya ako kailangan pang ayusin. Mahal paalam na, ngayon malaya ka na talaga hindi na kita guguluhin, hindi na ako manghihingi ng pagkakataon sapagkat naibigay ko na ang lahat, napagod na akong gumawa ng excuse para sayo, napagod na ako mahal, sanay mapatawad mo ako. Hindi ko na kinayang kumapit pa dahil nasasaktan na ako sa pagkakatali ng lubid, kinailangan ko nang bumitaw. Yung mga tula at awit na naisulat ko para sayo, hayaan mo ibabaon ko nalang sa limot, hindi mo rin naman narinig e hahaha salamat nalang sa mga ala ala. at salamat narin sayo kasi ikaw din ang dahilan kung bakit natauhan ako. O aking marino, patawad pero kailangan ko nang umalis hindi na rin kasi tayo masaya, hindi pala ako ganun kalakas, mahal na mahal kita wag mong kakalimutan yan ha? Dumating ako sa punto na ikaw lamang ang nais kong makita araw araw, pero ngayon isang ala ala na lang yun. Pasensya na at binlock kita sa messenger, pero niunblock na rin kita baka kasi kailanganin mo ng kausap, yung mga hindi mo kayang sabihin kina Ian at Nicky, bukas lang lagi ang inbox ko para sayo, nandito parin naman ako bilang iyong kaibigan kasi kahit papaano naman kakilala na kita, kung gusto mo ng kausap narito lang naman ako, hindi ako mawawala ng parang bula. 

Take me to “happily ever after”

I watched Dolce Amore (my family’s favourite primetime program haha) and it was the ending, it was their wedding and they were both stunning, especially Quen hihi. He looked so handsome with his barong and even the priest looked handsome (Ian Veneracion HAHAHA) while watching it my grandmother said “Ay maganda yung motif nila at yung gown ni Serena, sa kasal mo Jopeta ganyan din dapat/ Their wedding’s motif and Serena’s gown are gorgeous, you should have the same in your wedding Jops”, to which I replied with “Aba ano ba to, di pa nga ako nagraduate kasal agad? papayaman muna ako ee/What? I still havent graduate yet and now you’re talking about my wedding? Not yet, i’ll make myself rich first”. But it got me thinking, what will my wedding be like? I know that planning for this life changing event should be between the bride and the groom but screw it I dont have a groom yet, i’ll make the decisions for now AHAHAHAHA.

So let’s see I want my wedding gown to be a simple white dress with a flowy texture, and I want it’s train to not be that long because I dont want it to be troublesome to walk in the aisle with my father ahaha my crybaby daddy, I’m sure that in my wedding day (if I ever get married HAHAHA) he will cry buckets of tears and I will too! I want the church to be the Basilica menor de Tayabas, because I want a dramatic entrace and the aisle there is the longest (103-metre)  here in our country! it is so long that I’ll still have time to think if I really want to go on with the wedding or not…HAHAHA KIDDING. I want to march down the aisle to Pachelbel’s Canon in D….and I hope the man who I am to marry will look at me the way Tenten looked at Serena, like she’s the most beautiful creature that he has ever seen….i’ll cry if he ever looked at me like that (whoever he will be), I dont like to cry in front of people but for him i’ll be willing to do it, i’ll even wear a dress without grunting and being annoyed. I’ll write the most beautiful vow that anyone has ever heard, and I hope he does too. I wont like him to sing to me in the altar just like what Tenten did though, if he will sing to me I want it to be in the reception. I want him to sing “Out of my League” because I think that’s the sweetest love song a man can sing to a woman. I dont really care about the size or the design of my wedding ring, i’ll be fine with a wedding band to be honest, I am not that fond of diamonds anyway, as long as it does its job and that is –  to show people that I am a married woman and because of that I am true to the vow that I made and I am proud to be the Mrs of whoever my husband will be in the future, again that is if I ever get married hahaha. I dont care if my wedding ring isnt personalized or isnt worth Php 50,000 I am okay with a ring that costs Php 1,500 or lower hahaha. I want our closest family members to be there, and not invite those who are residing in other regions, those who will make the atmosphere awkward for us, I am not being a snob but the occassion being one of the best in my life, I want it to go well, I want our closest friends only, I want our guests list of 25-35 because why not? I dont really care about the food, as long as our wedding cake is red velvet, and that there will be a chocolate fountain hahaha. I want my dad and I to dance to “I just love you” by 5 for fighting in our Father and daughter dance, and I want to dance with my future husband to our song, whatever it will be. I want the motif to be pastel violet. And that’s it hahaha that’s what I envision my dream wedding as, it can change over time and because of the decision of my future husband, whoever he will be AHAHAHAHA, that is if I ever get married because you can never tell.

One more thing important to me is this: if i’d ever have a fiance, I want us to move in together immediately after he proposed to me. I know that here in our country people think that “living together” isnt right but times have changed, and we arent that conservative anymore. I want us to live together so that we can find out if we can do so, if we can wake up every day and be with each other 24/7, if we can function well as a couple living in the same house, to see if we are compatible and if it will work. This is like a trial ground, it may sound petty to you but this is the only way, because I am telling you when I get married I will never get a divorce I will never make my parents mistake, I will never give up on my marriage. That’s why I want to be sure with it. I dont care if we’ll live in a small studio apartment as long as we will live together, do you get my point? haha well that’s all, thanks for reading, I had fun writing this 🙂

 

 

I think you’re doing it wrong.

So a new trend has started here in our country which I know has been around for quite some time now. It’s this internet challenge called “Be careful who you bully challenge”, at first I was alright with it because I thought “well it’s a good thing that my fellow victims have the confidence to show off how beautiful they are now”, but then as days passed and as I scrolled through my news feed I saw this collage, and it had a caption “#becarefulwhoyoubullychallenge” and it was my gradeschool bully. It infuriated me, because the nerve of her to post something like that when she doesnt have the right, she was the one who tortured me all day from 1st grade to 6th grade and now i’ll see a post from her saying “Now I can smile and say that I AM A SURVIVOR”, Really girl? No you’re not, you’re the tormentor. I swear nobody bullied you because I was there. It wasnt you who got thrown eggs at and reeked for days, no you bimbo! it was me and you did it to me. And  what did I do? I made a status saying “I swear, nobody bullied you. Why are you doing that challenge? hahaha it’s ironic actually, because the bully was you”. 

Now I am annoyed at these kinds of posts because I start seeing people from my alma mater and also other people who I am sure nobody bullied, and who are actually part of the popular clique. They are in it for the sake of being internet famous/ for the likes and reactions, which actually is stupid because the only thing that can be concluded from it was that they didnt have filter and effects then, and now they have VSCO and snapchat. Now I am not being a buzzkill, I’ll admit that some are valid because you can really see their transformation, the only thing that is bothering me is the title of the so called “challenge” they are doing, they werent bullied so the collage is simply a “Before and After” photo. Stop being misleading, and what the fuck are you trying to prove? do you think the people who will see your post will instantly feel pity for you? I was a victim of bullying, you’ll never make me do that challenge, not because it’s mainstream because I think the value of that challenge is gone, and now for me it is stupid. Because those who were bullied who posted their pictures to show that they are now capable of doing so because they have self confidence arent justified, because people who want to attract attention but werent bullied does it too.

My fellow victims of bullying, the real way to show our bullies that we won is not just by posting a collage showing how much our appearance has changed it’s by showing them that we became better people than they ever will be, that we have survived the physical and emotional trauma/damage that they have caused and that we are happy and living our lives to the fullest now. And my message to those who post these kinds of picture collage even though they werent bullied ever in their lives:shame on you for riding in the coat tails of my fellow victims and I, stop doing this challenge okay? this isnt for you. I am not telling you to stop posting pictures of yourself though, or any throw back pictures, use the right hashtags and label. Stop collaging us to death, phonies 🙂

Is it that difficult?

To consider my feelings first before anyone elses? it’s just like gradeschool again, WHY DO YOU OVER LOOK ME EVERY TIME? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FAVOR SOMEONE ELSE OVER ME? Is it because I dont matter? issit because all of the concern that you’ve shown me is fake? issit because you have someone else who, for you is more important? when will you put my emotions first? I tell you shit that bothers me and all you do is argue with me about it, why dont you try condering it? why dont you try to listen to whatever it is that is bothering me rather than think of comebacks because you dont want to fucking lose? issit that hard? I never ask for anything, I never demand that much, I dont expect you to do anything sweet or whatever of that type of shit, all I want is for you to LISTEN. To feel like I MATTER. I told you that you, hanging out with her is bothering me and what did you do? instead of just distancing yourself from her (well I wouldnt ask you to ignore her completely) you fought with me, I told you that commenting and using monickers with her made me uneasy but what did you do? YOU GAVE ME THE SAME SHIT WHEN ALL I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IS LAY LOW. It’s a dog eat dog world, you have to fight to survive, for everything really, I didnt think that I’d be fighting for my own place with you, of all the people in the world I never thought i’d be up against you, when will I be the person you’d be scared to hurt? when I be the person you’d be mindful of being rude? when will my feelings matter to you?

I am not a masochist, I dont like being hurt. I dont like not being listened to because when I have something to say it’s usually something that isnt nonsensical, when I speak it’s usually something that is bothering me, and I make sure that it makes sense. Dont fucking feed me lame ass excuses because I will fucking nail you. I asked you to do something about it, but I guess I dont matter that much because you’re so fucking unwilling that if I were the same person I was months before, I’d be crying. But fuck you,not anymore I refuse to cry because of you, I am over that. When will you ever listen and be considerate? am I always the one to adjust? to your attitude? to your friends? when the fuck is it going to be my turn? when will it be me? I was drunk last night, but I knew what I was saying dont fucking worry, just tell me if you’re seeing somebody else already I SWEAR YOU WONT EVEN HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME ANYMORE. I believed you when you told me that I was the only one, with all my heart I trusted you. Was I wrong to do so? have you been cheating on me by talking and flirting with other girls when I am not around? how long have you been doing it? tell me. Because then it will make sense, the way you treat me. Have I truly become an option to you? oh wait I NEVER WAS YOUR PRIORITY. How fucking silly of me, I am so pissed right now that I am pressing my keys a little bit too hard as if it’s a 1960’s typewriter.

Is it so hard to not hurt me? is it easier for you to accept the fact that your friends are happy but not me? oh silly me, my happiness doesnt matter to you right? hahahaha why babe?

(featured image from tumblr ctto)

2nd Day

Yesterday was the first day of school in our University , I felt ecstatic to be honest because I am going to see and hang out with my friends again, and also because of my allowance hahha  now I am financially stable again HAHAHA. So yesterday our class was supposed to begin at 11 am but I woke up nauseaus and with a throbbing headache, yep migraine got the best of me again. But I chugged a big fat mug of strong black coffee, and my headache still didnt go away, so I decided to lay down and just when I was turning from left and right to feel comfortable, I felt heaps of saliva forming in my mouth and I knew that I was going to vomit everywhere so I ran downstairs to the bathroom and I did puke there. So yeah, it wasnt going well for me (maybe I should point out that we went to Padis Point in Manila, watched a local band perform and  ordered a tower of beer Jesus, I did drink a lot too hahaha it wasnt a simple headache it was a hangover – dont blame me, we’re only young once HAHA). It was Monday and I forced myself to go to school, so that 11 am class became a 2 pm class and what did I do? I asked my friend Mira to accompany me to the mall because I wasnt feeling well, and I needed a cool place which can lessen the throbbing sensation on my right temple. We still had a 5:30 – 6:30 pm class  but since I wasnt feeling up to it (o hala Supiya sige inom pa HAHAHA) I asked Mira to ditch class with me and for us to go home instead, and that we did. Which was a big mistake! Professor was so frickin furious because only 7 pupils attended her class hahaha what the fuck did you expect on the first day of class? a perfect attendance? silly goose. So she gave us a shit ton of paperworks to do, and she also demanded that we get admission slips from the OSA because if we didnt she wont accept us in her class Jfc what a you know what right?

Earlier I went to school at 8 am because I thought I was being a punctual student but it was an epic failure because as soon as I got there my friend messaged me and said that we didnt have class, luckily Mira was on her way to school already and being the kind friend that I am  I told her to hurry instead to go back to Tayabas because we didnt have class HAHAHAHA. We made our assignments from hell and we went to OSA to get our admission slips and I got so frickin tired from going back and forth from the Office to the xerox copier, I even made a self made excuse letter for myself (I wrote as my grandmother lol)  which I havent done since high school, I was actually pleased because I can still forge my grand mother’s signature HAHAHAHA. And since when did it became so fucking complicated to miss a day of class? worst – FIRST DAY OF CLASS – which is usually still irregular, even some of our rooms for a number of our subjects arent announced yet, see why I am having beef with you professor? but I got my admission slip and my attendance in tomorrow’s class is secured. I just finished my paperworks but I aint that pissed at it because I missed making these and it beats laying around and not doing anything like what I’ve been doing 4 months ago.

This is my last academic year and I am ready to give it my best, I may not graduate with a Latin honor because of that dreaded Logic subject but I am certain that I will get impressive grades. I stand by that, I know my priorities now I will not let my bad habits, like my procrastination, ruin my  studies no fuck you self, we need to stop taking things lightly, we need to always aim for the prize, we shouldnt settle for less, because we can do much more better than that. I swear I will get grades  higher than Whiz Khalifa this semester HAHAHAHA. We can fucking do this…again 😉

Silly me.

“Seems like we both got fed up with each others shit and both of us dont care anymore”

is that the case? well that’s good then. I wont apologize anymore because I am so tired of blaming myself whenever shit hits the fan okay? why the fuck am I bothered with my attitude when you told me that you wont even change yours, even tweak it just a little for me? hahaha I get pissed whenever I remember that because here I am trying to be less of a bitch to you when you wont even move a muscle. Excuse me I am tired of working on my attitude, I am so fucking tired of blaming myself. Whatever the fuck happen, HAPPENS, I DO HAVE A MASSIVE EGO AND I BEAT UP MYSELF EVERYDAY FOR IT I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU TO RUB IT IN FURTHER I WAS WORKING ON IT BUT I GUESS NOW I QUIT BECAUSE THIS IS WHO I AM, I AM A STUCK UP EGOTISTICAL MANIAC, ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW? MAYBE THE REASON WHY I CANT GET RID OF THIS TRAIT IS BECAUSE IT IS WHAT MAKES ME “ME”, SO LIVE WITH IT. JUST LIKE YOU BEING EFFORTLESS, DISTANT AND COLD IS WHAT MAKES YOU, “YOU”.

I THINK I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, AND EVEN IF I AM WRONG I WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO FUCKING WIN AN ARGUMENT. IT IS EASIER FOR ME TO SAY GOODBYE THAN TO SAY SORRY, YOU ARE AMONG THE FEW PEOPLE I APOLOGIZE TO BUT RIGHT NOW I AM IN A FUNK AND I DONT FEEL LIKE APOLOGIZING OR EVEN TALKING TO YOU FIRST GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. I AM NEVER COMFORTABLE WHENEVER I TALK TO SOMEONE FIRST BECAUSE I HAVE THIS FEAR OF BEING A FUCKING NUISANCE AND DOING SO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ONE. SOMETIMES IT’S NOT MY PRIDE THAT PREVENTS ME FROM CHATTING PEOPLE UP IT’S MY ANXIETY, YOU FUCKING TRY DOING IT WITH TREMBLING FINGERS AND A HEART BEATING LIKE A FUCKING DRUM WHICH YOU CAN HEAR WITH YOUR FUCKING EARS HAHAHAHAHAHA I WONT DO IT BECAUSE I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING SOMEONE YOU’RE FORCED TO TALK TO, I CAN FEEL IT WHENEVER YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME WHEN ALL I WANT TO TALK TO IS YOU, I WAIT FOR YOUR MESSAGES EVERY DAY JUST SO I CAN TELL YOU SHIT, I DONT REPLY TO ANYONE BUT YOU BUT IT FUCKING HURTS WHEN YOU DO TALK TO ME BUT YOU DONT EVEN PUT A FUCKING EFFORT, THERE ISNT ANY SUBSTANCE WE END UP WITH SHALLOW, SMALL FUCKING TALK ABOUT NICETIES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN YOU CANT EVEN TALK TO ME FOR A FUCKING HOUR AND EVEN IF YOU DO YOU’LL GIVE ME VAGUE FUCKING REPLIES. IT UPSETS ME. IT REALLY FUCKING DOES. PEOPLE TELL ME THAT I AM A PLEASURE TO TALK TO BUT WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE I AM THE LEAST INTERESTING PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO YOU? IT’S BECAUSE YOU NEVER ASK ME ANYTHING BUT HAVE I EATEN OR ABOU THE FUCKING WEATHER I AM PISSED I REALLY FUCKING AM. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE WHATEVER I DO YOU WONT ACCEPT IT, YOU’LL JUST SAY THAT IT’S SOMETHING THAT I MADE UP SO THAT I CAN WIN AGAIN. IT’S KILLING ME INSIDE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FUCKING FORGET ABOUT IT, JUST FUCKING GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND JUST GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN, GO OUT WITH YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS AGAIN, GO THE FUCK OUT AND DONT EVEN BOTHER THINKING ABOUT ME—OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT SILLY ME, I AM NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO THINK ABOUT RIGHT? SILLY ME THINKING THAT I FUCKING MATTER TO YOU HAHAHAHAHA WHEN THE FUCK DID I GET THIS DELUSIONAL? YOU’RE PROBABLY UNBOTHERED RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE PROBABLY PREOCCUPIED WITH SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY HAHAHAHA SILLY ME RIGHT? I DONT FUCKING MATTER TO YOU AND I GET SO RILED UP ABOUT YOU HAHAHAHAHA SILLY FUCKING ME 😀

(Featured image from google images credit to the owner) 

Maybe

There are lots of instances in my life where I made a decision or two and I thought that shutting it off or putting it off is the best thing to do, and vice versa. Maybe some things should be left the way they are you know? like when someone makes you feel things, maybe you shouldnt wait for a specific or direct way of knowing what they really meant, because maybe they wanted you to realize it yourself. Maybe they are just too polite to tell you that they dont want you in their life anymore that’s why they make you feel it instead. Maybe you’re waiting for someone to call you, message you or show up in your doorstep when in reality they never really wanted to do those or they never had the intention to do those in the first place. Maybe they are just being kind and instead of telling you directly they just come up with an alibi. Maybe it is time for us to go with our gut feel and do what is needed to be done. Stop forcing ourselves into someone when they are clearly distancing themselves from us, we should stop waiting for messages or chat replies that wont pop out, for calls that will never reach our phones and for text messages that will ask us how we are. We should stop waiting for concrete labels when we already feel what they are trying to tell us. Even if it hurts a lot, maybe they arent happy with us anymore, we should stop being a burden to them because they are good people and they dont need us to feel stressed.

So dont worry, I think I already know what you want I think you just pitied me that’s why you agreed to give “us” another shot. I wished you told me directly, I shouldve known actually because you were really reluctant to answer at first so okay, I wont bother you with my presence anymore (well not voluntarily) because the last formal conversation we had was when you had fever and I sent you a message asking how your trip to the school went and you just ignored my message, dont worry I got what you were trying to tell me, maybe I annoyed you too much, and you dont really want to talk to me. I got that and I hope you’re already well with fever, I wanted to ask you but I was afraid you’d get annoyed with me again and in return ignore my message. I hope everything goes well with you, i’ll be here when you feel like talking to me again. My inbox is always open, and I wont annoy you anymore because even if I do message you, you’ll give me vague replies that ends with me being angry at you. I am sorry, I just wanted to know how you are always but stupid me, I know how much that kind of thing annoys the shit out of you, and why the fuck am I even demanding when I am not even your “official” girlfriend right? we arent exclusive or official. Unlike before, we have this other label that I dont fully understand. Silly me, thinking I am your girlfriend and shit but anyway, I hope you’re well now, I hope you’re healthy and happy.

Enough drama haha I am happy because a week from now on 15th of August school will finally start and I cant wait to hang out with my friends again, and gallivant around university grounds, I hate doing school work but it beats laying in bed all day doing nothing but watch weird videos on the internet and pigging out haha. And I’ll finally receive allowance! hahaha I already bought school supplies, I am ready for the last year of my education people! 😀

I dont even know

I am in this state of overwhelming sadness again, I dont know why but I have been in this mood for almost three days now, I dont feel like talking to anyone, or even getting up from bed, I dont even want to take a bath, I dont want to eat, I dont want to socialize with other people even my relatives, I dont want to listen to any songs because whatever I listen to I cannot relate to, I listened to sad or “emo” songs yet  I cant feel anything, I want to but I cant, I listen to feel good songs but I cant fucking pick up any vibe, I even listened to Madonna but I still cant find my groove, I cant smile (it hurts and it feels like a lot of effort), I cant laugh. All I know is that everything sucks and I hate everyone. People have been chatting me but I just ignore their messages, my friends have been asking me to hang out but I just ignore their invites and i’d tell them that I was asleep and I read their message late, when the truth is I just layed on my bed all afternoon and stared at my ceiling for godknows how long. Am I being depressed again? Jesus fucking Christ what did I do to deserve this again? I thought I am done with this? I havent had a proper night’s sleep for almost 3 days! I feel tired in the morning, I sleep all day but I still feel tired. I sleep but I feel as if I am awake, you know what I mean?

The only emotion that I feel right now is physical pain, because I had my braces tightened and my ortho put class II elastics and it hurts like a bitch. But other than that, I feel nothing, I feel fucking numb no, I am not sure what to feel, I have never been this way since 4th year high school, what the fuck triggered this? I was happy, and I cant recall any painful or hateful thing that happened in the last 2 weeks, why am I like this? I dont know why I am being so fucking dismissive, I have friends and I can tell them anything yet I dont know what’s stopping me from doing so. I am convinced that nothing is going to be alright, that every body hates me, that everyone is going to fucking leave me and that I am just a big fucking nuisance and joke to people, my state of mind is toxic and no one is making an effort to reach out to me in person. What if all I need is someone to fucking call me in my cell and tell me a simple “How are you? are you still breathing?” why wont anyone talk to me in person? why isnt anyone concerned? am I that fucking worthless that I am not worth spending 5 minutes to talk to? I am not o fucking kay because I am fucking depressed as fuck and I dont fucking know what’s causing it. I dont even know when this will end, I hate this, I hate you, I hate everyone. I am getting too old for this but why all of a sudden did it come back? I feel so fucking numb that I have to fucking force myself to get up from bed just to know that I am not a soul yet, that I still have a body which can physically feel sensations and not just a hollographic figure.

I want to cry but I cant, do you fucking know how frustrating that is? I am convinced that if I cry I will feel okay again, kinda like if I throw up after drinking a little too much will make me feel less shitty the day after, you know that kind of logic? I have listened to sad songs but I cant fucking relate to any. I want to be angry at someone, but I dont think I have the energy for it. I need help but I dont know how to reach out to other people, so here I am writing a blog post hoping that this might help me get out of this state that I am in. Help. me. Motivate me to get out of bed and take a shower again, to eat again, to feel again.