This is it

I received a text message earlier which I dismissed reading because I thought it was another reminder from my mobile network of their promos, but when I read it, it was from an agency in Malate which I found on Jobstreet, and where I applied for a job. It said to report to their office on Monday August 7, for an interview. I felt excitement run through my body and I couldnt wait, it’s been awhile since I’ve sent that application and I started to put off the notion that they even got it.

I havent done walk in applications yet, although I have been planning to. Maybe it’s because of my introverted nature and my fear of rejection, which is quite silly if you think about it, because how else will I get a job? my Plan B is to ask my uncle for help, which he already is nagging me about, the only actual interview I went to was in the agency he worked for, and of course I passed the final interview and the exam, they actually asked me to go on Basic Training already, but I am still undecided until now. Maybe it’s my ego, but I want to land on a job because of my own skills, because I impressed the panel who interviewed me, and not because I am the favorite niece of the HR manager.

I started reading my old notes and diagnostic exam reviewers, I have looked up tips on how to pass the interview, dont get me wrong it’s not because I dont know what to do. I just want to know how to be better at it, I rearranged my resume, and I tried calming myself down, I hope to pass the interview in that company. I dont like being a freeloader anymore, I want to live on my own as well, I want to make money already to help with the household bills and to spoil myself without feeling guilty. I havent told anyone yet, even my daddy, who has been very supportive of whatever I do. I want to surprise them if ever I pass this one you know? I hope I do.

However, there’s still a possibility of me not getting this job though but I am trying to be positive. I have seen tweets from fellow fresh graduates of how upset and sad they are for not passing an interview. Well, I guess the only positive thing I can think of if ever I were in their position is that, at least I gained experience on how it goes and how to cope with rejection. But I refuse to show up on Monday empty handed, this is it go big or go home, I might appear “pabibo” but at least I’ll be able to keep my head up high after it if ever I fail, and say “I did my best”.

That’s it, I am hoping for the best wish me luck! ūüėÄ

how are ya?

I took a mini hiatus from the interwebs and buried myself in Neil Gaiman and Stephen King’s books because I felt upset so I had to de-stress myself, and writing poetry and reading are the only things I know for that. Anyway, sorry for my outburst I know it’s a little bit over the top. I feel alright now, well I still dont think I am pretty but I dont beat myself up for it. The thing is that, I went to my dentist to get my teeth cleaned and as I looked into the mirror to put on my primer and foundation I noticed how clear my skin looked like. I mean I dont have any pimples today! so I didnt bother putting on foundation just concealer under my eyes. I felt good about that, and I didnt feel too insecure to go outside, I am back to my cheerful and outgoing self. I didnt feel sticky and oily earlier because I didnt have to put layers upon layers of coverage on my face.

Must be because of all the crying and drinking of water I did while feeling like the ugliest person alive, who knew that would work as a pimple cure? I also slept early during those days because my eyes were too puffy and without even noticing it I was asleep at about 9 PM hahaha. Anyway, I talked to my doctor about my anemia medication, and she said I still have to take them but advised me to drink slimming tea to help with the weight gain (I told her that I was working out regularly of course), and you know what? I’ll try to be less sensitive this time. I’ll try not to get triggered by silly remarks about my appearance because being upset isnt healthy and I hate the feeling of it too.
(yep thats me on the featured photo, sorry for my narcisissim)

Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER.¬†

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself: ¬†if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.

Sorry mom

My mother gave me money, she told me to buy new clothes because ¬†she said the shirts ¬†or clothes that I own are like those ¬†of a 14 year old boy, which wasnt entirely true because I have like 3 dresses, and a shit load of shorts. But anyway, I still accepted it despite being offended and I thought ¬†maybe she’s right, I will be working soon and I ¬†dont think ¬†graphic marvel t-shirts and black skinny jeans will do. So I ¬†went to the mall and went straight to the department store, and I didnt like any of the shirts there. I ¬†found myself wanting to buy an olive green TMNT shirt but I fought the urge and didnt. I went to other ¬†stores like oxygen, where I bought one shirt and pants, and then to Penshoppe where I didnt buy anything, and then to Tribal, to be honest I find their shirts cheesy with their ¬†try hard font, and I find their lack of male employees disappointing, come on if you’re gonna have ¬†female employees with nearly exposed ¬†breasts and butts, might as well have good looking hunky men too.

I went to at least 3 more stores and I got exhausted, so I went to Jollibee for a snack of ¬†burger and fries. I didnt wanna go clothes shopping anymore so I decided to go to National Bookstore to check some books out. And when I got there it was as if I was ¬†in a safe haven! I am not even exaggerating, after 2 hours of rummaging through clothes I was basking in the comfort of books. I ¬†already have two shelves full of them, and my mom always tell me “YOU ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY BOOKS! ENOUGH ALREADY!” but I dont think I do. I have read all of them, some I re-read ¬†thrice like Harper Lee’s To kill a mocking bird, Alice Walker’s The Color Purple, Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and Graveyard Book, and JD Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. You can never have too many books, I’ve always felt at home whenever I have a book with me. Being ¬†introverted I spent my childhood reading Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss, then moved on to Lemony Snicket to Leonard Tolstoy. I love the smell of its pages and the texture, especially while drinking a hot beverage or eating a bar of chocolate.

I ¬†am not being a special snowflake here but, I guess you can say that I ¬†am among those girls who will choose buying books over ¬†clothes and make up. ¬†I guess it’s because unlike make up and clothes, I know more about them and I am familiar with them. ¬†I dont like change and I go by routine you know? ¬†Yesterday, I bought Lord of the flies by William Golding, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett and 2 books by one of my favorite Filipino author Ms. Jessica Zafra: ¬†Twisted ¬†8 1/2, ¬†The Stories so far. ¬†There were so many ¬†books ¬†that I ¬†wanted to buy still, like Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and Anne Rice’s Prince Lestat, but I ¬†didnt have enough money left, ¬†so I ¬†promised myself I’ll find a job ¬†this august so ¬†that I can buy ¬†these.

I ¬†still have so many classic novels ¬†that I ¬†want to ¬†read, yet they’re either hard to find or ¬†they’re too much for my budget. But anyway, I got home and my grandma ¬†scolded ¬†me telling me that my mother ¬†will ¬†get mad once she finds out I bought books instead ¬†of clothes again. I acted ¬†as if I ¬†was guilty but I couldnt wait to go upstairs lock myself in my room and start ¬†reading my new books! ¬†I feel bad for them though because there isnt space for them on my second bookshelf anymore, and I keep my poor books on a shoebox beside my bed, and they’re getting too dusty and I cant just clean them in a jiffy because I have asthma and inhaling dust will stir a reaction.

I need a boyfriend who will make bookshelves for me….well assemble assuming that we get it from IKEA hahaha.

21

Hey how ¬†are ¬†ya? sorry for the lack of posts, I was ¬†hung over yesterday and earlier because it was my birthday last July 16th! and it was a good one. My family surprised me with extra crispy buckets of KFC chicken, Chocolate mousse and so on! it was so freaking awesome because I thought they’d never do that anymore because I am old now, but they did. There werent any balloons though, I know it’s too childish but they are just fun to see you know? my baby brother thought it was his birthday and I just laughed at him because he demanded to blow the candle again! wow, I am old but I dont feel like an adult yet, I dont even think I am ready for work yet. I am still undecided on what I want to do, but I will be going on a job hunt after I get my TOR, it sucks to be a freeloader you know?

My bandmates went to my house last sunday, when I thought they wouldnt be there because they are mostly engineering students and they are doing their OJT and so I was crocheting (this was after my birthday dinner) and was actually feeling it when one of them knocked on our door singing “Happy Birthday” and they brought their own bottle of tequila (because they know that my grandmother doesnt stack up on those) ¬†and we didnt have lemons in our household so I grabbed the kalamansi or calamondin and we made do with that. We were so freaking noisy that some of my family members had to scold us! (we live in a compound) but we didnt care that much, we moved to a nearby bar in Lucena City, we werent that intoxicated so we rode J’s car and safely got there, I got home at about 3 AM all shitfaced but happy. ¬†I have my own key now so my grandma’s sleep wasnt disturbed hhahaha I woke up at 8 the next day because I had to go to school to complete the signatures on my clearance, I was so hung over that I didnt eat breakfast, but I was happy because I felt like such a grown up, like “hey look at me I am 21 I graduated from College” and then I got home at like 6 PM and then my college friends chatted me up and we went to a bar in Lucban, I know I just recovered from a hang over and there I am again boozing (I guess I mastered that in college lol) I had a big fat headache again earlier and I was so grumpy when I went to the dentist, I tripped all over the dental chair (dunno if that’s what it’s called) because I was wearing my big ass sunglasses.

I dont think I’ll drink alcohol again man…..(but who are we kidding though? HAHAHA) the hardest thing I had to do on my birthday was to reply to comments and PM’s on my facebook while being drunk af, trying not to make typos and sending messages that I will regret. I think I did great though, I thanked everyone who greeted me with an accompanying smiling/grateful emoji,and I felt loved. Among my favorite people who greeted me were my ex boyfriend’s older sisters or Ates (term of endearment we use here in the Philippines to call older sisters), because I never had big sisters I have a step sister but she’s so fucking terrible, and his older sisters arent, they’re cool. I miss them though, I hope they’re doing well. But I appreciated each and every greeting I received, it made me feel warm, special and loved.

All in all, I had a great birthday again and I look forward to my next one hahaha.

 

Lonesome

It’s raining again, I can help but feel a little lonely during weathers like this. It’s not like my ex was here with me to cuddle last year when it was like this, it was just nice to have someone to talk to that wasnt a fuckboy (my ex wasnt  perfect but he was loyal) or underaged/younger than me, it was just nice to have someone to have silly arguments with and stay up until morning with you know?

We werent that much of a clingy/showy couple but, at least I had someone to watch movies and eat food with. Being single is alright but there are times when you feel lonely, like the other day when I went to the mall to buy my grandmother her herbal tea, everywhere I look there were couples, holding hands, hugging, teasing each other, and I was by myself, which normally wasnt a big deal to me, but on that day it was. I found myself sighing thinking “I wish I had someone to hold on to like that”, but I went on and paid at the cashier where in front of me were another couple. It made me think of him, but I immediately stopped myself because I think he has a new girlfriend now and I dont want to be a nuisance even in thought. I hope she loves you more than I did, I hope she takes care of you better than I did and I hope her pride and ego isnt as high and mighty like mine. But who am I kidding? just because I let go of him doesnt mean I wanted to, I HAD to because that’s what he wanted and it will make him happy. I had moved on from the heartbreak but I think I will always love him, you know? how do I know? I still pray for him. I am not a religious person, but I do talk to God before I sleep, and I still pray for his well-being and for him to get a company to spend his OJT on, I still pray for him to have a good future and to be the man I always wanted him to be. I wanted to be his friend even after our relationship ended, but I dont think he even wants to talk to me let alone see my face hahaha. That’s alright I guess, as long as he’s doing well.

I think he’s happier now, I think being with me was the only thing that’s keeping him from being one, I wasnt a high maintenance girlfriend but I do have an ego that’s as big as the iceberg that caused the Titanic to sink. I think what our break up taught me is to be a more mature person, to give the person you love everything they want even if it means letting them go because it will make them happier. I was never angry nor bitter at him, because I was trying to understand why he left and I did, I wasnt angry at him for breaking my heart instead I got angry at myself for not trying hard enough. But I dont regret anything, whatever I did taught me lessons that made me a better person now, than I was a year ago.

That’s all, now I got this off my chest I feel a lot better. Loneliness sucks, but I know I’ll be okay, not tonight but maybe tomorrow. And the cool thing about this is that he doesnt even read my blog! hahahaha he’ll never know how much of a dork I am and that’s okay. Anyway, it’s one day to go and it will be my birthday! and for the first time in years I am excited about it again, I like having a positive attitude it keeps me from having an existential crisis everyday ūüėČ