Dear self : It’s okay

I know that everything is confusing right now, that you feel lost and bewildered. I want you to know that it’s okay, you dont have to be perfect and live your dream life right away, it’s okay to feel a little bit discouraged because not everything is turning out the way you thought it to be in college. In every success there is a sob story, you have to work hard to achieve the things you want in life.

However cliche this may sound I think you still need to hear it “there’s no shortcut to success”, just keep your head up and keep your dream alive kid. Dont give up and never lose hope, you know what you want just keep that fire burning! you might have encountered a set back but that’s okay, find a way around it, you always do. It’s okay to feel lost because without it, you’ll never find your way back, you get what I mean? because by being lost, you’ll do everything  just to get to where you’re supposed to be, sure you might encounter a detour but in the end you’ll still be there.

It’s okay to feel bewildered, because if everything turned out the way you thought it will, then your life wouldve been boring, you wont gain strength and will power, you wouldnt learn how to be tough. Stop overthinking, you’re giving yourself anxiety. Stop isolating yourself, go out with your friends, stop messing with your phone, you’re not a burden they can help you, having an existential crisis is okay from time to time, but enough of that already darling…….you know what you want now, you might not be able to achieve it right away but you have a plan right? carry on with that, it doesnt matter how long it takes, the important thing is not giving up. It’s okay to feel that the world isnt fair despite you being a nice person and being a straight A student, it’s okay like I said earlier, these are just set backs designed to make you stronger.

Dont let your dream just be a dream, work hard for it to become a reality. Get your planner and make a new plan, prove to everyone that you’re not gonna be stumped, prove that you’re not one to mess with. Enough with the moping! It wont do you good, stop making excuses! stop procrastinating make every day count. You are the gate keeper of your own destiny, dont cave in.

Find a way, you always do.

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Update on my job application:

I was at Manila earlier, Malate to be exact because yesterday the maritime agency I applied for as Casino Dealer messaged me to report for examination and later on if I passed, final interview. So I left our province at 3 am and got there at about 6 am, the journey was surprisingly fast, I didnt even sleep but I wasnt tired when I got to the agency. I couldnt sleep because I was nervous, I didnt really review for the exam because I didnt know what to revise! my mother told me to be calm and focus and up until the actual examination, I wasnt hahaha. I wore the traditional business attire which was pencil cut skirt, plain blouse and an overcoat. I had make up on too, I spent an hour at Jollibee because I was too early! but it’s better early than late. I spent my time thinking about what to answer to the interviewer’s questions and I thought that was a wise thing to do, but it wasnt….it made me more nervous to the point where I am on the verge of throwing up! thankfully, I didnt.

I went to the agency at about 8:20 am where I was greeted by the guard, he was nice and he said that the interviewer might be a little late because it was a Saturday and I nodded and smiled. I fixed my hair and make-up instead (at this point I was sweating like a pig because of the coat and I cant take it off because I didnt shave my pits), and one by one mean started to appear and I chatted with this one guy wearing a polo shirt and huge bagpack and he said he’s there to renew his contract, he’s a seaman. At 9:30 am I was asked to go to the second floor, where I was introduced to a nice gentleman who later handled the examination and checked it. He was also from Quezon Province I learned, and he said that I passed the examination and I leaped in joy! I was instructed to wait for what felt like 30 mins and then I was asked to come in the Madame HR’s (that’s what we’ll call her) office, and then she eyeballed me from head to toe, she emphasised on how younger I look than what I claim to be which she said isnt necessarily a good thing, she asked me dozens of questions that I struggled to respond to and I felt at times that she really hated me. She said that I didnt belong there, I belong on an airplane and other discouraging stuff like that, but I fought hard and gave her a great argument on how Tourism Management’s career path isnt just in the airline.

I felt exhausted after that, and I sweated profusely! I dont know how that happened too because her AC was on. She also scolded me for wearing flat shoes, she said I must look the part to get the part! then she brought up the fact that I didnt have a seaman’s book yet, which is a big requirement. After justifying my plight she said:

“You passed the written examination and interview, however you have to get your seaman’s book, SDSD, PSCRD (and other requirements I forgot sorry) to get onboard. After completing your requirements please report here immediately.” 

I WAS SO FREAKING HAPPY BECAUSE IT MEANT THAT I GOT THE JOB, I HAD A LITTLE SET BACK BUT AFTER I OBTAIN THAT I’LL BECOME A CASINO DEALER ON A CRUISE SHIP! Since I didnt know where to get these documents, I had to ask my ex-boyfriend’s friend and he was very approachable and nice about it. I almost messaged my ex for help but I figured he wont answer me and maybe he’s too busy and couldnt be bothered with my own shit. So I asked his friend instead, he immediately responded to my message and he even welcomed me into the Maritime industry, I always thought that he was nice but I didnt know that he was this nice. He even asked me if I knew how to go to those agencies, and he even apologized for not being here because he said if he were, then he wouldve accompanied me which was the nicest thing ever!

Anyway, basic training here I come! I’ll be going to Marina on Monday to ask about it. To know about the fees and such, where to get the other stuff too. I hope everything goes well, wish me luck still 🙂

A nobody

I found out that my highschool classmate tried to kill herself by self-immolation. She wanted to die because she was depressed about her life, I dont really know her that much because despite us being classmates and sharing same classes I was never close to her, being in the same team in P.E class and brainstorming about our volleyball game was the closest that we got into hanging out really, she belonged to the popular group while I was the captain of the debate team and a member of the history club and a mathlete. But even though we werent that close I still felt bad for her you know? I dont know what it’s like to be depressed really, I do get days where I’m upset but at the end of the day I am able to shake it off. So, yeah I dont know what it’s like, I can only guess based from the stuff I read online.

They made a gofundme page for her, and I shared that of course on my facebook account because as of now that’s all I can do to help. I havent got money because I am still unemployed, it’s astounding really how many shares it had. I am happy about it of course, because having many sharers increases the possibility of having donors to reach the goal amount. But it also got me thinking that if it were to happen to me…..no one will go out of their way to make a go fund me page because I’m a nobody. I didnt mean to make this about me, I just wanted to share my thoughts. She’s a pretty girl too, I used to wish I had a face like her in highschool because despite being the geeky/over achieving student that I was I still wanted to stand out in the crowd by just my appearance alone, I just found it powerful how a person can command a crowd with that kind of charisma, I used to think that beautiful people had it easier for them in life which of course isnt entirely true, but on some degree it is. People in our neighborhood are talking about how she ruined everything for herself because now half of her face is burnt and is irreparable, there’s plastic surgery but her family cant afford it. If it was me who did it though I think I’ll choose the quickest and has the slimmest possibility of surviving methods which are either of these: drinking bleach, overdosing on medicine and alcohol or just jumping off a building. But if I did that, no one will even remember me, no one except my family will mourn my death.

No one will mourn my loss because I am not beautiful, I was never out going as well, I am a nobody, no one will even approach my mother to tell her how much impact I had in their life because I am a nobody. If I ever decide to kill myself, no one will come to our house, no classmates or acquaintances because I either drove them away or I just chose other things than be sociable, I have said countless of times here that I am introverted. If I choose to end my life, no one will be sad over me, no one will be crying over  a song because it reminded them of me, no one will lose sleep because I died, no one. I’ve never contributed anything to society I’m a 21 year old freeloader, who repress her emotions and put on a brave face because of the fear of being “weak”, the one who tries to be humorous because it’s the only way to make people like her, the one who is always there to hang out but when she’s the one who asks no one comes, the ugly girl who never made an impact on anyone.

I am a nobody and I dont even think I’ll reach my 40’s hahahaha, anyway I hope my classmate recovers, both physically and mentally.

Tumblr Questions:

A follower of mine tagged me in this, and I know it’s odd that I’m answering it here but I will send him the link to this so that he’ll know that I didnt snob him. The reason is that I dont post text there, it’s mainly a band/fandom blog you know? but anyway here you go!

 

1) Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen? 

Black

2) Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

City.

3) If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

Playing the harp or pole dancing, it looks cool

4) Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

coffee with no sugar

5) What was your favourite book as a child? 

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman and Matilda by Roald Dahl

6) Do you prefer baths or showers?

Showers, I only take baths whenever I am sick and in need of serious soaking hahaha

7) If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

Mermaid

8) Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Paper, because I like the feel and smell

9) What is your favourite item of clothing?

 

Graphic T-shirts

10) Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

I don’t necessarily hate it, but it’s kind of common and my second name is hella cheesy. I’d change it to Jean Marqui to confuse people of my gender hahahaha.

11) Who is a mentor to you?

Many.

12) Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

never dreamt of it

13) Are you a restless sleeper?

when I’m excited or anxious

14) Do you consider yourself a romantic? 

Nope

15) Which element best represents you?

Fire

16) Who do you want to be closer to? 

my soon to be co-workers hahaha

17) Do you miss someone at the moment?

Yes

18) Tell us about an early childhood memory.

My dad and I playing Crash Bandicoot on the Playstation 1

19) What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

I was bullied into eating a burnt dragonfly in 3rd grade (dark times)

20) What can you see outside your bedroom window?

A bank.

21) What are you most thankful for?

My family and friends

22) Do you like spicy food?

I LOVE spicy food

23) Have you ever met someone famous? 

Quite a number really, when I was having my OJT at the airport I met Sue Ramirez, Carlos Agassi, James Reid and Kean Cipriano with his wife. But you might not recognize them because they’re actors here in the Philippines.

24) Do you keep a diary or journal?

I do, but I suck at updating it.

25) Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? 

Pen.

26) What is your star sign?

Cancer.

27) Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? 

Crunchy.

28) What would you want your legacy to be? 

I dont know yet to be honest.

29) Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

Yes, The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood and it kept me awake for 3 nights!

30) How do you show someone you like them? 

I sing to them, I only sing whenever I have to but if it’s for someone I fancy then I send them recordings of my crappy singing. And I write songs about them but never let them hear it ahahah

31) Do you like ice in your drinks?

depends.

32) What are you afraid of?

Anything with a beak, feather, wings and who screech.

33) What is your favourite scent?

Vanilla and fruit scented candles

34) Do you address older people by their first or last name?
Last name, like “Mr. Robinson”

35) If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? 

Travelling the whole world

36) Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Pools because I injured myself before by stepping on a sharp rock while swimming on the ocean.

37) What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? 

keep it, although I might feel guilty.

38) Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

I did, but it didnt come true hahaha

39) What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

Be nice to other people and be polite.

40) If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be?

I dont think I’ll ever get one, but I think if I did it’d be a small and simple one and dear to my heart like, a storm trooper’s helmet or a small arc reactor hahah

41) What can you hear right now?

Matpat playing kindergarten haha.

42) Where do you feel the safest?

my room, the library and the bookstore.

43) What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my introversion.

44) If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? 

I’d rather not because today women are considered equal to men you know? and people are just more open-minded nowadays.

45) What is your most used emoji?

The winking one.

46) What is your favourite season? Why?

we dont really get that many seasons here in the Philippines it’s either too hot to function or rainy and flooding everywhere hahahaha

47) How would you spend your ideal day? 

A bit cliche but at the beach on an afternoon with a book while holding the hand of the man that I love.

48) Describe yourself using one word.

dorky

49) What do you regret the most?

not saying things I should have

50) Think about your recent ex-lover, would you take them back if they asked you to now?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it depends.

 

Four eyes no more

So last week I went to my optometrist to get a prescription for contact lenses, which I got that afternoon. It was my first time to get contacts and putting it on was so freaking terrifying I thought I’d faint! well honestly, I attempted to wear one when I was in highschool because of a cosplay contest in school, where I dressed up as teenage Hinata Hyuga who is the love interest of Naruto Uzumaki, my bestfriend was tugging at my eyelids so hard and I was lying on the floor and I couldnt do it and I passed out (hilarious right?). That’s why I was nervous to try it again for fear of humiliating myself for the second time, but I had to get these because it’s required in the job that I applied for, it’s because I have poor eyesight and astigmatism.

After what felt like an hour of poking my eyes with hopes of putting my contacts on, it was a success I didnt faint! and it looked good and everything  is in HD without frames that produce red sore spots on my nose bridge and the back of my ear when worn for a long time. But it felt really weird, it’s like something was caught in my eye but I cant rub it because they’re contact lenses. My doctor taught me how to clean it and soak it properly, and she said to never fall asleep while they’re on. I bought colored lenses, mine was called “Toast Brown” which is dark and made my eyes more rounder. My guy friend (not boyfriend) who accompanied me said it made my eyes look prettier and not soulless, it’s because my natural eye color is black (but most would argue that there is no such thing, so Dark brown) and the lenses brought more life to them he said.

I still have difficulties in putting them on, because I cant do it fast enough! it’s like my eyelids cant be still you know? but I’ll eventually get the hang of it. It’s a little irritating that I have to bring eyedrops with me all the time though, but it’s much better to use outside than eyeglasses, I was bullied before because of wearing eyeglasses, they called me Labo or blurry eyed in gradeschool, and in highschool I risked being blind to look cool HAHAHAHA, so it’s awesome to be free of the burden of wearing eyeglasses that make me look dorkier than I already do hahaha.

PS. I have braces too so, contact lenses is the best choice haha.

eys

 

(the featured image are my eyes also with the contact lenses, I know the color cant really be seen because my eyes are too dark I guess? but look at how it made it look more rounder! holy cow hahaha I took the picture with my ipad my lighting aint really that good too, sorry for the crappy photo haha)