I want you to notice, when I am not around

here am I again in front of my computer, contemplating on whatever it is that I’ve done wrong and still fighting the urge to admit every single thing was my fault. Because it isnt, it is wrong of me to blame you all the time for all of the things that keep happening to us how can you blame me when you’re not doing anything to help your situation? you’d say that I see only your faults and not the things that you’re doing right, I do see that but do I have to acknowledge it every time? Are you a five year old kid who needs praises to go on doing good shit in your life? I’m ignoring you? well fuck you, I message you and you just read it. And now I dont know what game you’re playing but I refuse to let it through my head. I know your plan B is Gemma, You think you can hide it from me homeboy? hahaha I am not stupid. Unlike you, I have no back up plan I talk to no one besides you which made me think, what if I was wrong for doing that?

You say that I want you to make the move now to end our relationship because you think to lessen the guilt that i’ll feel after, no homeboy. I never feel guilty after break ups especially when I am the one who decides to do so, you may feel like that but I dont. I want you to make the decision because I promised myself to never give up on you this time, because I vowed to love you for the last time but all you think about is that making you decide is my plan for an easy way out. Why do you always have to make me a villain? and now you’re not talking to me, go ahead pull the plug. Dont keep me hanging, I wont stop you anyway. Not that I dont love you, it’s because I do. If you find me difficult to be with and you’re tired of putting up with my shit then be my guest, leave. I’m used to people leaving anyway, but keep in mind that if you do. You will never get me back anymore. I dont know if that’s a good thing or bad. But I will be true to the thing that we agreed upon the night we decided to give us another shot, this will be the last time. You lose me, you lose me forever. There wont be another silver lining man, if you’re tired of being with me then go ahead let go, you’ll lose me forever, I’ll even treat you like I’ve never met you. You’ll never hear from me ever again, there will be no one to argue with you when you go out with your friends drinking, no one to ask you to accompany her to the dentist or to drinking sessions with her friends, no one to wait for you whenever you’re late, no one to sing to you, and no one to call you “Babe”. If that sounded good to you, then go leave me. You’ll have a great life without me, you and her.

I know I’m hard to understand, I can be so dismissive and bitchy sometimes, my pride and ego is in an all time high. And I always think that I am right, I am competitive and bratty. But believe me, when I told you that I loved you, I meant that. I dont just say that to anyone, I am loyal and true to you. I overlooked all your short comings and stuck with you even if you made me feel like you didnt wanna be with me on most of our dates. You didnt hear anything from me even though I know that your friends are more of your priority than I am. Go ahead leave me, you’ll lose me for good. Whatever it is that will become of us, I hope you’ll never regret it. I am saying that you shouldnt leave me, and I am not encouraging you to do it too…I just want you to think about it thoroughly, because this is the last. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready to talk about it.

 

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