I’m back

Hey I think I had shook off the writer’s block that I had been experiencing. My healthy lifestyle or should I say “Project getting rid of baby fats” is going great, I havent weighed myself but I think I have lost a couple of pounds because most of my old pants fit me again, so hooray for that. I am still struggling with the diet though but I am pulling through, I allow myself to eat chips on saturdays though, it is my cheat day. I have set my goal for this school year too, I have decided to work hard to become a Dean’s Lister again, I will avoid being a slacker and a happy go lucky student this time. I will still allow myself to have fun though, just not too much to the extent that I dont review for exams just to get drunk, no not anymore. This is senior year college and I will be serious with my studies again, I have to redeem myself because I am starting to feel that I am not as smart as I used to be, I want to prove myself wrong, that I still have that level of intelligence. And I want to make my family proud again, although I know that graduating with a degree will already make them proud, I still want them to see me bring home medals like I used to in Grade school and high school.

I wont let anyone distract and discourage me anymore, I will be unstoppable and I will achieve my goal. I am working on making myself better, and stronger because that’s what I am (or what I used to be). I refuse to put my happiness on someone again, if he wants to leave then leave, I dont have time to beg for love, I can love myself and I have worked so hard to get my self worth to this level, I wont let another man lessen it again, no not this time.

This school year will be different from the last three, because this year they will see my full potential, and I will unleash it too. I will show them what I am capable of, that I am a force to be reckoned with, I am not just another pretty face I have much more to offer. I will reinvent myself like I did in freshman year highschool and I will make people swoon over the fact that I am this serious about my studies and in pursuing my goals. Mark my words, this will be my time I will conquer the spot light once again, and I will crush anyone who will get in my way. 

After all this time

I have been through 3 relationships and from all of those I have learned lots of things, but my favourite one is when it got to the point where I had to tell myself:

“Mel, he’s not playing hard to get, that’s just how he feels about you. Honey it’s time to stop, stop chasing those who doesnt want to be chased.” 

Talking to yourself is healthy, at least that’s what my mother told me. And it was the best advice I’ve ever gotten and to this day I live by it, because why should you? if he ended it already then let him be. I know you love him, I know that he made you feel like you’re the only girl in the world, that you are a princess and that you’re one in a million, but that was before he realized that he changed his mind, that you’re no longer his muse, that he’s tired of putting up with your stuck up attitude, that he doesnt see you as he’d seen you before. It is said that the only constant thing in the world is change, and that is true it’s applicable on everything, the weather condition,  technology and of course people. Remember when you loved Strawberry Shortcake so much that all of your things has her on it? like your bag pack, sneakers, notebooks, hell even your school desk has a tiny sticker of her cute little face, but now you’re 19 years old and you scowl whenever you hear her name, and cringe every time you see lunch boxes with her on the cover, she used to be your favorite thing in the world and now you hate her so much you turn the telly off whenever you stumble upon re-runs of the show. Same goes with his feelings, one moment you’re his whole word and later you’ll just be somebody that he used to know.

I learned to toughen up, to not be a crybaby-push over anymore. I was afraid of being alone and miserable that’s why I couldnt let him go before, I was afraid of not being happy EVER because the happines that I felt was extraordinary when I was with him, and who could deny the butterflies? I was afraid of being alone in my own company and being overwhelmed with sadness, that’s why I begged him to stay with me even if he told me that it’s over, even if he already said hurtful words, like “I am not into you anymore”, “It’s not you it’s me” and the worst one of all “There’s someone else”, that last one fucked me up and I cant help but be angry at myself until now whenever I get flashbacks of what I did, even if he said that I told him “It’s okay as long as you’re still mine, I dont mind having to share you”. Fuck see how pathetic I sounded? It took me a long time to convince myself to never beg anyone to stay anymore, to let them be if they dont want to be in my life anymore. I dont want to beg for someone’s attention and affection anymore, I’m tired of begging for the things that I want. Especially to those people who dont deserve the love that I am willing to offer, those who take me for granted and abuse my weaknesses. It took a long process but now I am capable of not giving a fuck to whoever has to leave me, because I refuse to put my happiness on someone else, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. And I am still in the process of loving myself fully, and little by little I am getting there. I am starting to see my self worth and I now know that I am a beautiful human being, that begging for someone to love me is wrong, because if they really did then they didnt have to leave in the first place. I dont regret most of what I did in my past relationships, the only thing that I do regret is begging and pleading for them to stay and to love me.

So stop chasing those people who doesnt want to be chased, this will sound cliche but if you love him, let him go if he comes back then he is yours if he doesnt then, he never was. And if you’re meant to be with each other then, it will be the two of you in the end no matter how long, or how many times you get separated, if you’re for each other fate will lead you back to one another.

Ito na ba yun?

Mahal ano na ba ang nangyayari saating dalawa?

Ikaw ba ay sumusuko na?

ito ba ang pagpapahiwatig ng iyong pagbitaw?

Hindi naman kita pipigilan hindi rin kita hahabulin,

Hindi ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sayo upang mahalin muli kung ang gawin ito ay hindi mo na ikakasaya,

Hindi ko ipagpipilitan na mahalin mo pa ako sapagkat ayaw ko ng ikaw ay mahihirapan,

masyado kitang mahal at hindi kita kayang saktan at pahirapan pa

ang tanging nais ko lamang ay ang magmula sa iyo ang mga salita ng pagsuko,

nais koy ikaw ang bumitaw, ikaw ang tumapos, ayaw ko kasing sa bandang huli ay masisi ang sarili ko dahil sa desisyon na iyan,

masama mang pakinggan ngunit ayaw kong dumating ang araw na kakagalitan ko ang sarili ko sapagkat mali pala ang naging pasya ko,

kaya ikaw ang tumapos aking mahal,

ayaw kong magkamali,

aaminin ko matagal ko nang nararamdaman ito,

mahal alam kong darating ang araw na bibitawan mo rin ako,

hindi kita masisisi sapagkat kilala ko ang aking sarili,

ayaw ko kasing magbago kahit ilang beses mo nang sinabi saakin ang mga dapat kong baguhin, sobrang tigas kasi ng ulo ko ano?

hayaan mo hindi mo na kailangan pang pag tiyagaan ang pag uugali ko,

sige na bumitaw ka na, siguro nga hindi tayo para sa isat-isa,

hindi kita sinisisi at hindi ako magagalit sa’yo

liwanagin mo lang ang lahat aking mahal ng hindi ako nagmumukhang tanga,

ng hindi ako naghihintay sa bawat mensahe at tawag mo,

ng hindi ako nanghuhula kung ano na ba talaga tayo,

pagbibigyan naman kita, ibibigay ko ang iyong kalayaan kung yan ang gusto mo

masyado kitang mahal para pahirapan pa,

sige na bitaw na, bigkasin mo na ang mga salitang nais mong sambitin noon pa

alam kong pinilit mong intindihin ako, pasensya na ha?

sige na ng hindi na tayo nahihirapan pa,

ang nais ko lang ay ang ikay maging masaya, ang makitang ngumingiti ka ulit

kung hindi na ako ang dahilan ay ayos lamang saakin,

wag lang yung ganito na nangangapa ako,

sabihin mo lang, pagbibigyan naman kita e

ibibigay ko sayo lahat para ka lang sumaya,

kahit pa ito ay ang iyong paglaya.

-Mel

“You dont know what it’s like being a 13 year old girl”

When I was in grade school I was bullied because I have a weird Filipino accent (I am a pure blooded Filipino but my parents spoke to us in English for as long as I can remember) and I was fat, and I had bad acne, nobody really spoke to me then because I was the odd ball in the class, everybody thought I was a dick as well because I knew most of the answers to the questions our teachers ask and I ace most of the quiz and examinations, I wasnt showing off I just wanted to have good grades because I wanted to get into a great university and I did. It was a bad time for me, so last night I watched Virgin Suicides although I didnt really get why the Lisbon sisters commited suicide I couldnt bring myself to re-watch it, because it was so sad, and triggering. Watching Cecilia in the bathtub with her wrists slit reminded me of myself in gradeschool, now it wasnt indicated in the movie if she was bullied like me but like her I turned to self harm.

The therapist in the movie made it seem that she doesnt know what she’s doing that she’s just acting out because she’s just a thirteen year old girl, depression knows no age. I was practically the same age as her when I started self harming, I had nobody to talk to in school or in our house, I didnt have that much friends, and I had my brother but I couldnt bring myself to tell him the things that are bothering me because I had to be strong in his eyes because I know that he looks up to me, I cant have a breakdown in front of him I am supposed to be the strong one, and I still have that mentality until now. That cliche line “Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will break our spirits” is correct, everyday I go to school and I have to put a brave face despite being called “Fatso”, “Fatty”, “Tababoy/Fat pig”. After awhile I learned to live with the name calling but one incident was so bad and it was this: we were celebrating Nutrition month in our school, and each class will be divided into groups and will compete in the cooking contest, and when we were grouped my teacher picked me as the leader I was terrified because the most popular girl in my class wanted to be it but our teacher chose me instead and he gave me encouraging words. After class I already heard rudewords about me, but when I got home I told my grandmother about it and she was ecstatic because she said I never get to be the leader of any groupings, and since she was so happy I decided that I will do my best because she was right, that was the first time I was given the task to be the leader.

So the next day I prepared all the necessary things and I measured all the ingredients according to the recipe and I put so much heart and effort in the cooking up to the plating even if I was the only one who was cooking (we were a group of 8), I felt good because I can see how well I am doing, and by the end of the day when it came to the judging, I won and I was so happy and thought that everyone was happy for me too because they were cheering and clapping their hands and then things went down hill, as I was jumping up and down savoring my victory, someone threw an egg at me and it landed on my head it was in my hair and down to my face, I thought that was enough but 2 more eggs was thrown at me, and at first everyone was silent but after the last 2 hit me, laughter errupted from the crowd, I felt my cheeks burning up and my tears threatened to fall, I couldnt say a word because my throat was starting to close up, what I did was I took my apron and wiped my face with it, and I calmly walked into the bathroom, while everyone was still laughing hysterically. And I cried my eyes out there, I had to bite my lip so that I wouldnt make that much sound because I dont want them to know that what they were doing was tearing me apart, because that will just satisfy them those goddamn bullies. The councelor knocked on the cubicle that I was on and he asked if I want him to call my grandma to pick me up, and I had to tell him no, I only asked him to come get me once everyone isnt there anymore. I couldve gone to the clinic but I was reeking and a mess, I had to stay there for an hour I think and the egg already dried on my hair and I was so fucking sticky and I felt grubby, and I wished that I can teleport so that I can be in my room already. I had to wash my hair 5 times so that I can get rid of the smell, I didnt tell my grandmother what happened so she phoned the school, and I didnt like being pitied over. I didnt go to school for 4 days after that, and I almost didnt leave my room except when I had to eat and when I had to go to the bathroom.

Instead of being angry at my bullies I started getting angry at myself and blaming myself for being fat, pimply and for allowing them to do those things to me. So what I did was I scratched my arm until I bled, scratched my stomach because I was so fat, slapped my face because I was so ugly and shit like that. I hated myself so much I almost slit both my wrist, but when I was about to plunge that cutter on my left wrist I heard Alex Gaskarth’s voice in my speaker singing Jasey Rae, and after days of not feeling anything I broke down, I cried so much the whole house heard me, then Disenchanted played I was still crying, my cousins have been pounding on my door begging me to open it, and after hours of listening to everything that is emo, they finally found a way to bust my door open and see me on the floor bloodied from the scratching and my eyes were so sore and I was shaking from the crying. My cousins hugged and cried and told me “we thought we lost you“, and the next day they went to my school and had the bullies suspended and moved to a different section from me, they took me to the gym, and they removed my door for awhile. They told me to never let other people abuse me like that again, because everyone is made equal, so freshman year highschool I lost 15 pounds, I had fewer break outs and I spoke like the Filipino native that I really was, I also learned to face my fear of talking to people, I made a couple of friends and I learned how to deal with my ADHD, I still listened to those kinds of music though, but I have a postive out look in life now. I am going to be a senior in college and to be honest I didnt really think that I will make it this far, I even made my suicide letter already, but everything changed for the better. I have 8 reliable and true friends now, I got into a good university, I can speak my mind now, I dont have a stuttering problem anymore and I have a boyfriend.

It turns out everything does get better over time, you just have to get the right set of friends, support system and a positive mindset. I still have some of the effects of the bullying like I cant wear fit shirts in public because I am body conscious and I have trouble believing the word beautiful, but I will get there, I am working on it.

Oh Brother

I have been stalking myself earlier on facebook ( I dont know If that’s narcissistic but whatever) and I stumbled upon  one post. It’s a picture of me and my brother, Joe, and the comments were saying how sweet the two of us are and how close we are and then I stopped and think to myself “well yeah we do have a great relationship, my brother and I” I have two brothers, Joe who is going to be 18 on September and Bren who will be 4 on December. Since Joe and I only have a two year age gap we practically grew up as “bestfrienemies“, anyone who has a sibling will relate to this. Your sibling can be the best-est friend you can ever have and he can also be the your worst enemy. Because he knows you from the inside out, he knows all your secrets because you live in the same house and are being raised by the same person, so yes he has the same values as you and the same beliefs as well, no one knows you like your sibling. But not all siblings have that relationship, not all are open to each other most of my blockmates in the uni says so, they also told me that they envy the relationship my brother and I have. I am not gonna lie and tell you that we have a harmonious relationship no it’s far from that, we dont always get along, like most siblings we pick on each other, we scream at each others faces and sometimes we throw things at each other. But the great thing about us is that we cant get through a day without talking to each other, so there are no fights that last for months we work through each others differences and decide to shrug it off because we never fight about major things.

Having Joe as a brother is awesome, growing up I have a playmate and team mate. Since I was his big sister he looked up to me so much, and since I was boyish we rode bikes together, we played action figures (WWE), we stayed up late at night just to watch wrestlemania and cheer for Triple H and Undertaker, play doctor where I have the stethoscope and he’s the patient, hell we even got into fist fights then because we loved wrestling too much we re-enact the matches after (do not do that kids we had a couple of broken arms and stitches), we ate cookie dough from the bowl, and I am thankful for the fact that up to now, nothing really changed between the two of us. Because I have heard tales from other siblings about how they were close when they were kids but when they grew up they kind of became distant to each other, we didnt. Maybe because of the bond that we shared, you know with our parents divorce and such, we really didnt have anyone but each other. Yeah there was our grand mother but she wouldnt understand what we’re going through because her parents didnt go through this, so for awhile it was just my brother and I. We didnt talk about it directly but we knew what each other meant, what each of us felt just simple gestures were enough. When he got his first girlfriend I felt a little protective because I thought he was still my “baby brother”, it was after that I get to look at him as he is, he is now taller than me and has a deeper voice, no he isnt a little boy anymore he is a Man.

I am still working on accepting the fact that my brother has a girlrfriend now, I am still kind of a bitch to his current girlfriend though but I do like Oli, she’s a nice girl she takes care of him and I can see that she really loves him even of he’s such a dumbass. We pick on each other and sometimes we get too mean, but bitch if you lay a finger on my home slice I swear to the based God that all hell will break loose! My brother is my bestfriend and my partner in crime, I serve both as his big brother (because he can talk to me about manly stuff too) and Big sister (I slap him whenever he needs some sense knocked in him), I keep him in line, you know make sure that he doesnt get his dumbass into too much trouble. I’ll always be here for him because I know that he has my back at all times as well. I dont say this much but I love my brother, because he puts up with my attitude and moods and he obeys whatever I tell him, he listens and understands me too. And I am glad that he has great taste in graphic t-shirts, and that we have the same waist line, who says that only sisters can share a wardrobe? my brother and I does and we are happy with it.

PS.

My youngest brother is a sweet heart though, he always hugs and kisses me I hope he doesnt change hahaha.

(Photo is from google, I know I AM AWESOME HAHA)

It’s time: Farewell baby fat!

My body has always been an insecurity of mine like most of the teenage girls out there. But the problem with me is that, I know that I can use a little dieting and exercise but what I do is I dont do it! Because I dont want to get sweaty, because when you sweat you get smelly, and then after you’ll get muscle pains and stuff like that. It’s funny because every year, I put that on my “Goals list”, and I never really come around to doing it until now. Why the sudden change of heart? well I am going to be 20 years old this July and I still have the body of a 16 year old girl! people actually think that I am a 16 year old girl. I have chubby cheeks and I am chubby, so I have decided to have a healthy lifestyle.

Starting today I will avoid eating sweets, which is hard because I have a sweet tooth who doesnt like chocolates right?, and junk food like potato chips and sodas, I’ll also cut my dairy intake, I will miss Ice cream, but I think yogurts (greek) will be a good substitute. I worked out earlier which surprisingly it felt good, my legs are killing me and my arms too but I finished an hourlong cardio workout and for that I felt proud of myself, I didnt stop too, which surprised me because I didnt know my endurance is that strong. I did sweat alot but it felt great! I’ll eat a cup of rice later (I am sorry I cant NOT eat rice because I am a Filipino and rice is a staple here) and water. The thing that I regret though is that I drank coffee earlier when I couldve drank tea instead, my grandmother has packets of twinnings green tea downstairs which I will drink later after lunch, I didnt like green tea before but I am hoping that i’ll like it now (I tried it when I was in sophomore year High school I think I’ll find it bearable now and hey I didnt like the taste of booze then but I love it now HAHA)

And that’s the other thing, i’ll avoid drinking beer/alcohol altogether. I said avoid because I cant give up drinking entirely, I am not an alcoholic though it’s just my way of relaxing. I dont smoke so I guess i’ll be alright, I think the hardest part of this is the diet, I think I can get used to the work outs but dieting boy oh boy. I’ll try to control myself though, because I want to shape and tone my body, because I want to feel confident. I want to look at the mirror without pulling an icky face because of the fatso that I see there, I dont want to cringe at my reflection anymore. I want to look pretty for myself, so be ready world another hottie is going to emerge! HAHAHA (I sure hope that I can get through this and get the result that I want, I will work hard because I really want this.)

Super Women 

Today is Mother’s day and I would like to make a blog post about the two amazing women in my life, My grand mother and my mother. My grand mother is a normal 61 year old woman, but she has the kindest heart ever, she never gets angry and she takes care of us as if we are her real children, she spoils us with love and she is my number one fan. You see she got custody of us when my parents got divorced, and for that I will say that she is a strong woman, to deal with two children who refused to do anything they are told before, she tried her best to single handedly raise us, which isnt a walk in the park especially when we got to our teens, she started caring for us when I was 9 and my brother was 7, and now I am almost 20 and my brother will turn 18 in September. At first I didnt know what to feel when she started taking care of us, but now I cant imagine life without her. She is the most selfless person ever, she will give us the last piece of cake even if she wanted it so bad, she will give you the Php 20 just so you can buy that chip you wanted and walk home because that amount is all shes got, yes ladies and gentleman she is that perfect, I dont even know what I did to deserve a wonderful human being in my life, she is also the most patient one of all the people that I know because shes still here despite ofmy shitty attitude, sometimes I get annoyed and angry at her, sometimes I throw a fit but she still loves me anyway, and I love her too, I hope she lives for another 60 years because Id be totally lost without her. My mother, is my Queen, I am not gonna lie we fight a lot, we say things that we dont mean, we yell and ignore each other, but that doesnt mean we dont lobe each other. My mother is the prettiest woman in the world for me, inside and out she may act tough most of the time but I know that shes just putting a brave face because she knows how much I look up to her. She is strong, because she had me when she was 19 years old and still she strived to finish her studies, she may not be here most of the time because of work but I understand that, I know that shes doing that for our sake. And even if shes not here, she never fails to make me feel loved, sure most of the time she disagrees with me and makes me thing about my choices but hey, I believe that mothers know best. Thats it everyone, they are my heroes. Happy mother’s day to all the mothers out there, and to those single dads who plays the role of mothers too, I hope you all have a great day ahead and we salute you! ☺️