Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER. 

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself:  if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.

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Is it that difficult?

To consider my feelings first before anyone elses? it’s just like gradeschool again, WHY DO YOU OVER LOOK ME EVERY TIME? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FAVOR SOMEONE ELSE OVER ME? Is it because I dont matter? issit because all of the concern that you’ve shown me is fake? issit because you have someone else who, for you is more important? when will you put my emotions first? I tell you shit that bothers me and all you do is argue with me about it, why dont you try condering it? why dont you try to listen to whatever it is that is bothering me rather than think of comebacks because you dont want to fucking lose? issit that hard? I never ask for anything, I never demand that much, I dont expect you to do anything sweet or whatever of that type of shit, all I want is for you to LISTEN. To feel like I MATTER. I told you that you, hanging out with her is bothering me and what did you do? instead of just distancing yourself from her (well I wouldnt ask you to ignore her completely) you fought with me, I told you that commenting and using monickers with her made me uneasy but what did you do? YOU GAVE ME THE SAME SHIT WHEN ALL I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IS LAY LOW. It’s a dog eat dog world, you have to fight to survive, for everything really, I didnt think that I’d be fighting for my own place with you, of all the people in the world I never thought i’d be up against you, when will I be the person you’d be scared to hurt? when I be the person you’d be mindful of being rude? when will my feelings matter to you?

I am not a masochist, I dont like being hurt. I dont like not being listened to because when I have something to say it’s usually something that isnt nonsensical, when I speak it’s usually something that is bothering me, and I make sure that it makes sense. Dont fucking feed me lame ass excuses because I will fucking nail you. I asked you to do something about it, but I guess I dont matter that much because you’re so fucking unwilling that if I were the same person I was months before, I’d be crying. But fuck you,not anymore I refuse to cry because of you, I am over that. When will you ever listen and be considerate? am I always the one to adjust? to your attitude? to your friends? when the fuck is it going to be my turn? when will it be me? I was drunk last night, but I knew what I was saying dont fucking worry, just tell me if you’re seeing somebody else already I SWEAR YOU WONT EVEN HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME ANYMORE. I believed you when you told me that I was the only one, with all my heart I trusted you. Was I wrong to do so? have you been cheating on me by talking and flirting with other girls when I am not around? how long have you been doing it? tell me. Because then it will make sense, the way you treat me. Have I truly become an option to you? oh wait I NEVER WAS YOUR PRIORITY. How fucking silly of me, I am so pissed right now that I am pressing my keys a little bit too hard as if it’s a 1960’s typewriter.

Is it so hard to not hurt me? is it easier for you to accept the fact that your friends are happy but not me? oh silly me, my happiness doesnt matter to you right? hahahaha why babe?

(featured image from tumblr ctto)