I found out that my highschool classmate tried to kill herself by self-immolation. She wanted to die because she was depressed about her life, I dont really know her that much because despite us being classmates and sharing same classes I was never close to her, being in the same team in P.E class and brainstorming about our volleyball game was the closest that we got into hanging out really, she belonged to the popular group while I was the captain of the debate team and a member of the history club and a mathlete. But even though we werent that close I still felt bad for her you know? I dont know what it’s like to be depressed really, I do get days where I’m upset but at the end of the day I am able to shake it off. So, yeah I dont know what it’s like, I can only guess based from the stuff I read online.
They made a gofundme page for her, and I shared that of course on my facebook account because as of now that’s all I can do to help. I havent got money because I am still unemployed, it’s astounding really how many shares it had. I am happy about it of course, because having many sharers increases the possibility of having donors to reach the goal amount. But it also got me thinking that if it were to happen to me…..no one will go out of their way to make a go fund me page because I’m a nobody. I didnt mean to make this about me, I just wanted to share my thoughts. She’s a pretty girl too, I used to wish I had a face like her in highschool because despite being the geeky/over achieving student that I was I still wanted to stand out in the crowd by just my appearance alone, I just found it powerful how a person can command a crowd with that kind of charisma, I used to think that beautiful people had it easier for them in life which of course isnt entirely true, but on some degree it is. People in our neighborhood are talking about how she ruined everything for herself because now half of her face is burnt and is irreparable, there’s plastic surgery but her family cant afford it. If it was me who did it though I think I’ll choose the quickest and has the slimmest possibility of surviving methods which are either of these: drinking bleach, overdosing on medicine and alcohol or just jumping off a building. But if I did that, no one will even remember me, no one except my family will mourn my death.
No one will mourn my loss because I am not beautiful, I was never out going as well, I am a nobody, no one will even approach my mother to tell her how much impact I had in their life because I am a nobody. If I ever decide to kill myself, no one will come to our house, no classmates or acquaintances because I either drove them away or I just chose other things than be sociable, I have said countless of times here that I am introverted. If I choose to end my life, no one will be sad over me, no one will be crying over a song because it reminded them of me, no one will lose sleep because I died, no one. I’ve never contributed anything to society I’m a 21 year old freeloader, who repress her emotions and put on a brave face because of the fear of being “weak”, the one who tries to be humorous because it’s the only way to make people like her, the one who is always there to hang out but when she’s the one who asks no one comes, the ugly girl who never made an impact on anyone.
I am a nobody and I dont even think I’ll reach my 40’s hahahaha, anyway I hope my classmate recovers, both physically and mentally.