A nobody

I found out that my highschool classmate tried to kill herself by self-immolation. She wanted to die because she was depressed about her life, I dont really know her that much because despite us being classmates and sharing same classes I was never close to her, being in the same team in P.E class and brainstorming about our volleyball game was the closest that we got into hanging out really, she belonged to the popular group while I was the captain of the debate team and a member of the history club and a mathlete. But even though we werent that close I still felt bad for her you know? I dont know what it’s like to be depressed really, I do get days where I’m upset but at the end of the day I am able to shake it off. So, yeah I dont know what it’s like, I can only guess based from the stuff I read online.

They made a gofundme page for her, and I shared that of course on my facebook account because as of now that’s all I can do to help. I havent got money because I am still unemployed, it’s astounding really how many shares it had. I am happy about it of course, because having many sharers increases the possibility of having donors to reach the goal amount. But it also got me thinking that if it were to happen to me…..no one will go out of their way to make a go fund me page because I’m a nobody. I didnt mean to make this about me, I just wanted to share my thoughts. She’s a pretty girl too, I used to wish I had a face like her in highschool because despite being the geeky/over achieving student that I was I still wanted to stand out in the crowd by just my appearance alone, I just found it powerful how a person can command a crowd with that kind of charisma, I used to think that beautiful people had it easier for them in life which of course isnt entirely true, but on some degree it is. People in our neighborhood are talking about how she ruined everything for herself because now half of her face is burnt and is irreparable, there’s plastic surgery but her family cant afford it. If it was me who did it though I think I’ll choose the quickest and has the slimmest possibility of surviving methods which are either of these: drinking bleach, overdosing on medicine and alcohol or just jumping off a building. But if I did that, no one will even remember me, no one except my family will mourn my death.

No one will mourn my loss because I am not beautiful, I was never out going as well, I am a nobody, no one will even approach my mother to tell her how much impact I had in their life because I am a nobody. If I ever decide to kill myself, no one will come to our house, no classmates or acquaintances because I either drove them away or I just chose other things than be sociable, I have said countless of times here that I am introverted. If I choose to end my life, no one will be sad over me, no one will be crying over  a song because it reminded them of me, no one will lose sleep because I died, no one. I’ve never contributed anything to society I’m a 21 year old freeloader, who repress her emotions and put on a brave face because of the fear of being “weak”, the one who tries to be humorous because it’s the only way to make people like her, the one who is always there to hang out but when she’s the one who asks no one comes, the ugly girl who never made an impact on anyone.

I am a nobody and I dont even think I’ll reach my 40’s hahahaha, anyway I hope my classmate recovers, both physically and mentally.

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Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER. 

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself:  if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.

Silly me.

“Seems like we both got fed up with each others shit and both of us dont care anymore”

is that the case? well that’s good then. I wont apologize anymore because I am so tired of blaming myself whenever shit hits the fan okay? why the fuck am I bothered with my attitude when you told me that you wont even change yours, even tweak it just a little for me? hahaha I get pissed whenever I remember that because here I am trying to be less of a bitch to you when you wont even move a muscle. Excuse me I am tired of working on my attitude, I am so fucking tired of blaming myself. Whatever the fuck happen, HAPPENS, I DO HAVE A MASSIVE EGO AND I BEAT UP MYSELF EVERYDAY FOR IT I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU TO RUB IT IN FURTHER I WAS WORKING ON IT BUT I GUESS NOW I QUIT BECAUSE THIS IS WHO I AM, I AM A STUCK UP EGOTISTICAL MANIAC, ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW? MAYBE THE REASON WHY I CANT GET RID OF THIS TRAIT IS BECAUSE IT IS WHAT MAKES ME “ME”, SO LIVE WITH IT. JUST LIKE YOU BEING EFFORTLESS, DISTANT AND COLD IS WHAT MAKES YOU, “YOU”.

I THINK I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, AND EVEN IF I AM WRONG I WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO FUCKING WIN AN ARGUMENT. IT IS EASIER FOR ME TO SAY GOODBYE THAN TO SAY SORRY, YOU ARE AMONG THE FEW PEOPLE I APOLOGIZE TO BUT RIGHT NOW I AM IN A FUNK AND I DONT FEEL LIKE APOLOGIZING OR EVEN TALKING TO YOU FIRST GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. I AM NEVER COMFORTABLE WHENEVER I TALK TO SOMEONE FIRST BECAUSE I HAVE THIS FEAR OF BEING A FUCKING NUISANCE AND DOING SO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ONE. SOMETIMES IT’S NOT MY PRIDE THAT PREVENTS ME FROM CHATTING PEOPLE UP IT’S MY ANXIETY, YOU FUCKING TRY DOING IT WITH TREMBLING FINGERS AND A HEART BEATING LIKE A FUCKING DRUM WHICH YOU CAN HEAR WITH YOUR FUCKING EARS HAHAHAHAHAHA I WONT DO IT BECAUSE I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING SOMEONE YOU’RE FORCED TO TALK TO, I CAN FEEL IT WHENEVER YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME WHEN ALL I WANT TO TALK TO IS YOU, I WAIT FOR YOUR MESSAGES EVERY DAY JUST SO I CAN TELL YOU SHIT, I DONT REPLY TO ANYONE BUT YOU BUT IT FUCKING HURTS WHEN YOU DO TALK TO ME BUT YOU DONT EVEN PUT A FUCKING EFFORT, THERE ISNT ANY SUBSTANCE WE END UP WITH SHALLOW, SMALL FUCKING TALK ABOUT NICETIES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN YOU CANT EVEN TALK TO ME FOR A FUCKING HOUR AND EVEN IF YOU DO YOU’LL GIVE ME VAGUE FUCKING REPLIES. IT UPSETS ME. IT REALLY FUCKING DOES. PEOPLE TELL ME THAT I AM A PLEASURE TO TALK TO BUT WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE I AM THE LEAST INTERESTING PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO YOU? IT’S BECAUSE YOU NEVER ASK ME ANYTHING BUT HAVE I EATEN OR ABOU THE FUCKING WEATHER I AM PISSED I REALLY FUCKING AM. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE WHATEVER I DO YOU WONT ACCEPT IT, YOU’LL JUST SAY THAT IT’S SOMETHING THAT I MADE UP SO THAT I CAN WIN AGAIN. IT’S KILLING ME INSIDE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FUCKING FORGET ABOUT IT, JUST FUCKING GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND JUST GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN, GO OUT WITH YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS AGAIN, GO THE FUCK OUT AND DONT EVEN BOTHER THINKING ABOUT ME—OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT SILLY ME, I AM NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO THINK ABOUT RIGHT? SILLY ME THINKING THAT I FUCKING MATTER TO YOU HAHAHAHAHA WHEN THE FUCK DID I GET THIS DELUSIONAL? YOU’RE PROBABLY UNBOTHERED RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE PROBABLY PREOCCUPIED WITH SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY HAHAHAHA SILLY ME RIGHT? I DONT FUCKING MATTER TO YOU AND I GET SO RILED UP ABOUT YOU HAHAHAHAHA SILLY FUCKING ME 😀

(Featured image from google images credit to the owner)