Sorry mom

My mother gave me money, she told me to buy new clothes because  she said the shirts  or clothes that I own are like those  of a 14 year old boy, which wasnt entirely true because I have like 3 dresses, and a shit load of shorts. But anyway, I still accepted it despite being offended and I thought  maybe she’s right, I will be working soon and I  dont think  graphic marvel t-shirts and black skinny jeans will do. So I  went to the mall and went straight to the department store, and I didnt like any of the shirts there. I  found myself wanting to buy an olive green TMNT shirt but I fought the urge and didnt. I went to other  stores like oxygen, where I bought one shirt and pants, and then to Penshoppe where I didnt buy anything, and then to Tribal, to be honest I find their shirts cheesy with their  try hard font, and I find their lack of male employees disappointing, come on if you’re gonna have  female employees with nearly exposed  breasts and butts, might as well have good looking hunky men too.

I went to at least 3 more stores and I got exhausted, so I went to Jollibee for a snack of  burger and fries. I didnt wanna go clothes shopping anymore so I decided to go to National Bookstore to check some books out. And when I got there it was as if I was  in a safe haven! I am not even exaggerating, after 2 hours of rummaging through clothes I was basking in the comfort of books. I  already have two shelves full of them, and my mom always tell me “YOU ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY BOOKS! ENOUGH ALREADY!” but I dont think I do. I have read all of them, some I re-read  thrice like Harper Lee’s To kill a mocking bird, Alice Walker’s The Color Purple, Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and Graveyard Book, and JD Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. You can never have too many books, I’ve always felt at home whenever I have a book with me. Being  introverted I spent my childhood reading Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss, then moved on to Lemony Snicket to Leonard Tolstoy. I love the smell of its pages and the texture, especially while drinking a hot beverage or eating a bar of chocolate.

I  am not being a special snowflake here but, I guess you can say that I  am among those girls who will choose buying books over  clothes and make up.  I guess it’s because unlike make up and clothes, I know more about them and I am familiar with them.  I dont like change and I go by routine you know?  Yesterday, I bought Lord of the flies by William Golding, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett and 2 books by one of my favorite Filipino author Ms. Jessica Zafra:  Twisted  8 1/2,  The Stories so far.  There were so many  books  that I  wanted to buy still, like Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and Anne Rice’s Prince Lestat, but I  didnt have enough money left,  so I  promised myself I’ll find a job  this august so  that I can buy  these.

I  still have so many classic novels  that I  want to  read, yet they’re either hard to find or  they’re too much for my budget. But anyway, I got home and my grandma  scolded  me telling me that my mother  will  get mad once she finds out I bought books instead  of clothes again. I acted  as if I  was guilty but I couldnt wait to go upstairs lock myself in my room and start  reading my new books!  I feel bad for them though because there isnt space for them on my second bookshelf anymore, and I keep my poor books on a shoebox beside my bed, and they’re getting too dusty and I cant just clean them in a jiffy because I have asthma and inhaling dust will stir a reaction.

I need a boyfriend who will make bookshelves for me….well assemble assuming that we get it from IKEA hahaha.

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Mirage? (A story)

2:30 PM

I sat at the bus stop, on a hot summer day. The type where you can fry an egg on the sidewalk because of the heat. I know, great right? I stared at an ice cream vendor right across the street, deciding on whether I should buy one or not. I found myself blaming the bus for not coming already, I am trying to lose weight and an ice cream wont do me good, it’s been 15 minutes already.

“I’m not even supposed to be out today”, I thought. I’ve been cooped up in my room since Monday, and I have been craving for coffee and some kind of pastry since yesterday. So a little later after lunch today, I gave in – took a shower, put on a bit of powder and tint on my lips…you know to look presentable, and wore my Iron Man gray shirt and then leggings. Also, I didnt want to be alone in my room today because I just finished reading a very upsetting book…..I just had to go out.

Now, I am sweating like a pig and am already feeling grubby. The goddamn bus finally arrived and I stood up immediately to get in, I smiled at the driver as I walk to the second row, I sat on the aisle seat because some old man is already at the window. I didnt mind it really because, it will be easier for me to get off and also I will be able to avoid being trapped in a crowd later when we get to our stop. After months of repressing it, I allowed myself to peak into that part of my memory to recall the name of the meal you asked for in the coffee shop we both liked.

“Why didnt you leave some for me?”

“I didnt know it was this good! is it green tea flavored?”

“I think the correct term is Matcha, babe” you smiled and wiped some cream off my chin.

that stroll down memory lane didnt hurt, it seems like thinking about you is harmless now. And then the old man started to stand up, I didnt notice that we’re already there I guess I was that deep in my thoughts. I got off the bus and to the coffee shop, I was still sweating profusely from walking, I sat on a table outside and the waiter gave me a basket of bread, I smiled at him and he asked me about my meal in a cheerful manner I gave it to him and as I see him disappear into the kitchen, I thought to myself okay, the waiting game starts. I came equipped though, I brought a book with me but I couldnt focus because I keep being distracted by the people passing by, some were talking loudly on their phone, some children were crying, some were playing tag chasing each other, some parents are scolding them, and some teenage couples are displaying their affection for each other. In my peripheral vision, I can see a tall man, with a pair of neon orange trainers and gray hat, all too similar to yours

dont be foolish” I scold myself.

The figure started to get closer and I felt a familiar nervousness I thought I’d never feel again, well not for a long time at least. I tried my best to keep a straight face, to keep my composure, but I could feel my facial muscles betraying me. And the figure is only a foot or two away, I frantically reached for my phone and pretended to type a message. He passed by me and I swear he slowed down, I wasnt sure if he was looking at me though. I let myself into a final glance, but you were already gone in the sea of people. I found myself asking: was he with someone? what does he look like now? does he still wear that stupid boring watch? 

was it even him? 

8:38 PM 

I was laying in bed with my journal on my side, fidgeting with my pen because I couldnt bring myself to write anything for the reason of not being able to peel my eyes off my phone. My brain is telling me that you have no reason to call me, but I still stared at the pitch black screen and waited.

I am drowning in a sea of flashbacks from what was, and it feels like I am in a dream. I was beside you at your house, we were sitting in the sofa, holding your hand, while watching an overrated 90’s comedy flick starring Adam Sandler, my lips was feeling tender from the kiss you gave me a minute ago, and now my head is resting on your shoulder and you were speaking to me with your velvety voice, I swear I’ve never heard anything so beautiful. The reality of you seems to have come out of a good romance movie – charming, warm, soft, and staying only for as long as the film roll would allow. That moment was such a beautiful scene, in every sense of the word. It left me longing for that warmth and familiarity once again, I want to go home again, but I know you’ll never let me in anymore.

The phone rang.

Truth be told

First of all I am SORRY. It’s all on me and not you, I am sorry I had to put you to the “friend zone” but I have no other choice. Did I use you for a momentary relief for loneliness? You might think so, but I didnt. I might come off as a bad person, but I did this because I cant take it anymore. It wouldnt be fair to me nor you, because if I still lead you to believe that I have feelings for you too (when all I feel for you is platonic love) then it would be evil. Like I said, not fair for US. I tried liking you that way, because I knew that you fancied me for years now. The only problem with you was that you never courted me, we’ve known each other for almost 3 years now man. You’d let your shyness and insecurity get the best of you, and for three years we have become friends. BEST FRIENDS, You became my band mate. You come by our house almost 3 times a week, we watched countless gore movies and I even told you so much about why my ex boyfriend is the worst. You even accompanied me when I got a haircut because he didnt want to come with me.

I love you, but not in that way. Not in a romantic, sexual, passionate way, the love I feel for you is the kind of love I feel for my brothers. I see you as nothing more as one of them, I dont see you as a boyfriend or potential husband. Was I wrong for letting you court me? maybe. But I thought it will change you know? I  thought everything will go the other way, I shouldnt have taken the risk. Because now, I think I lost my bestfriend. I took a leap, and I was so fucking wrong and I feel so bad because of it.

Will you forgive me? I dont think you ever will. I thought I was ready to entertain a suitor, I thought I am ready to write a new chapter in my book. But I guess I was wrong, I dont think I am yet and the bad part was that I kinda used you to fool/distract myself, you cant cheat your way in this one. I didnt use you as a “rebound” though because I didnt agree to become your girlfriend, I thought you will be the silver lining. I guess no one can be that, because there’s no fast way of moving on (there’s always the option of becoming a girl who sleep around with others to forget but I dont think I’m that kind of person, I dont judge those who do though, you do you), I am the only one who can cure myself of this. I guess I just have to let it sink in for a while, I guess I just have to be more patient, I just have to learn to love myself more, keep myself busy, need to work on my attitude problem, and to learn how to genuinely love someone.

I guess I have to stay single for as long as I have to and not force myself into a relationship I am not ready for. And the other thing was that, everything with you became so fast, one minute we’re just happily hanging out eating disgustingly flavored jelly beans and the next minute you’re asking me to meet your entire family! wtf dude. I wasnt looking for anything serious, well I wasnt sure what I was looking for exactly. All I knew then was I missed having someone to chat with, to accompany me to places, to ask how Im doing and having arguments with. I think I was just missing the feeling of being in a relationship.

I am sorry, what I did was wrong. But I ended it with the best intention, I’d put a stop to it before you got too invested in me. I ended it before it got much worst. I will understand if you dont want to be my bestfriend anymore, I deserved that. I’m sorry for everything.

Manipulate

Hello this is my first post here on this blog site but this is not my first time to blog. I owned a couple of blog accounts before but I neglected them because I reached a point of writers block that I can never get out of or I just lost interest, but now I am going to write again, this time I will not abandon it. I am undergoing paranoia again, but I cannot voice it out I dont have a therapist and I never want to have one (not that it’s wrong I just dont want to because my family doesnt have that much disposable income). Anyway, writing has always been therapeutic for me so here I’ll vent out.

I fucked up again. I have this habit of making up stuff and I’m pretty good at it. Ever heard of the saying “It’s fun to lie to others, but never to yourself”? yeah that’s practically it. I dont do it for my own pleasure, I do it because I cant face most of the truth. And it’s fucking me up big time, and recently too. I hated it I hate the feeling of being a phony, so yes I hate myself but what can I do? what happened is this, my boyfriend let’s call him “M”, has been ignoring me (at least that’s what it feels like) for almost a week and until now. I lashed out about him on my twitter account that morning and then later that day he messaged me and asked “Who are you referring to on your posts?” and instead of telling him that it was HIM I lied and said it was my bestfriend “L”. And the string of lies went on and on from there, see what I mean? I did that because I dont like confrontations. And the thing that fucked it up is that since L and I are bestfriends of course our boyfriends are also close and maybe what happened is that M told L’s boyfriend about what “allegedly” happened which he later said to L and then she is now lashing out on twitter because she got pissed of the bullshit that I stirred up. Now does that make me an awful human being? Yes it does. Because she doesnt deserve to be made bullshits of, I didnt bad mouth her or anything, I didnt accuse her of being things she isnt I just made a story that fit my raging tweets. I have never been in trouble because of my “bad habit”, until now. I knew it would catch up on me I just didnt know when. Now she’s tweeting about how enraged she is whenever she sees my tweets, or how karma will catch up on me at first I got pissed at it because I thought how dare she? after all the things we’ve gone through and a smidgen of something like this would tick her off and tell those things about me? but then again after I calmed down and played many rounds of battle in Clash Royale it dawned upon me that maybe she’s pissed because on all of the people who would make bullshit stories about her I would be the last candidate yet I was the first to do so. And I feel bad about that she has been so good to me, I will apologize but she wont address me directly my plan is to apologize once she confronted me or ask me about it. In the mean time I think this habit of mine has to stop.

I also use this to manipulate people. Yes, I am a very manipulative person and I want people to do what I say but contradictory to that I am very shy and I lack in self confidence that’s why the only way that I found to make them do what I say is to lie to them. Make stories, make them hear what they want to hear and lure them from there. You might think I am like a politician, and yes I am. I also use this as a defense mechanism, can anyone relate to that? I told you I have a twisted mind. I dont like confrontations that’s why instead of telling the truth I end up with bullshits, piling them high until I get confused on what the truth is and what is not.  I feel bad about how things went, and I hope that it will steer clear soon. I dont want to lose my best friend but if she thinks that I am a despicable human being and doesnt want me in her life anymore then what else can I do? I brought it upon myself. I sure hope she would forgive me. I am so sorry if I have hurt you in any way, I am a coward and an idiot. Your boyfriend must hate me now too, that sucks but I’ll live with it if I have to.