What now?

I graduated from College last Wednesday (July 5th) yes, I am now a degree holder. And I am happy of course because after four years of gruelling paperworks and examinations, and nights of cramming I am finally done. My mum threw a pool party for me and also a simple feast at our house, she also drilled a hole on our wall so that my graduation picture can be hung and I assume seen by people, it’s nice to know that she is that proud of me. Well, my whole family is, I wished my daddy was there in the gymnasium with us though he did pay for my education after all, and he did want to be there but his boss didnt sign his leave so he didnt really have a choice. He did tell me how proud and happy he is of me in a lengthy (45 mins) phone call the previous night, he was also emotional and so was I.

I am happy that the lectures are over but I cant help but be scared and nervous you know? because what do I do now? I know that I should be finding a job so that I can earn money to help out on house bills and to buy stuff that I like, but I fear that I might get rejected by every job that I apply for. But then again, I did apply at a bank and I did pass the interview, they want me to come back for a written exam, I knew I can pass that. Because I am great at those kinds of stuff but then again I think to myself I didnt study Tourism Management so that I can sit on a cubicle/stall all day. I did go to a cruise line agency a couple of weeks ago and I did have someone to back me up there and they did ask me to undergo “basic training”. But I dont want to owe something to someone you know? I want to make it on my own. Is it because of my pride? YES. I know my uncle meant well, but I dont think I’ll be able to sit with the idea of getting a job because I had an inside man and not because of my skills. And I do have the ability to pass it in a fair manner, but if it had been a year and I am still unemployed I might have to give in to this offer and ask for help, swallow thee pride. Am I being picky? I am. And it’s not because I think I’m too good for these jobs, it’s because I am afraid of what will happen to me. Which is stupid because I will never get a job with this kind of mindset and all I want is to give back to my family for everything they have done for me by showering them with things that they deserve, especially my grandmother.

But right now I am focusing on losing weight, I am not exactly overweight I’m just a little pudgy. I mean I am 5’4 ft and I weigh 128 lbs/58 kg, I mean to lose 5 or 6 more pounds so that I wont struggle when I am working. And I am waiting for my TOR I did file for it last Thursday, and my diploma as well. The future is terrifying yet exciting, it’s like I am back in square one you know? I am back to being that gawky 16 year old nervous on her first day of college. But am now nervous about work and  adulthood, oh and I’ll be turning 21 this coming 16th how time flies right?

So yeah, Congratulations to batch 2017 here’s to more existential crisis and anxiety! HAHAHAHA kidding of course.

Trauma

We had a fight again. And as usual I said stupid and exaggerated things on twitter which he read, it’s kind of funny how, when he knows that I am pissed at him he stalks my twitter account because he knows that I bitch a lot there, but anyway, we didnt talk today, I can feel the tension between the two of us. And he tries really hard for us to work things out, he always does he is the one who thinks of ways to get things right between the two of us, but tonight is different. I think I crossed a line, I think what I said is too much I deleted it though, but I dont know if I meant that or not. I am not sure which one ticked him off but I feel like it’s the one where I tweeted “Buti na lang hindi ako masyadong attached sayo buti hindi ko hinayaan sarili ko/It’s a good thing that I am not that attached to you, it’s a good thing that I didnt let myself” – I think that’s the one that hurt him the most. I hate to admit this but, yes I did mean that.

I am afraid of getting hurt again okay? I dont want to go through the same shit I’ve been through before, I refuse to put my happiness on someone else again, I refuse to be so dependent and needy to one person again, someone whom I’m not sure if he’ll stay sith me for a lifetime, someone who will possibly leave me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? I dont know, maybe it does. I built walls around me to protect myself. We’ve been together for almost 13 months but to tell you the truth he only knows 15% of me, most of the things that I told him were bullshits because I dont want to become vulnerable to anyone, because when I did that before, he left and I almost didnt make it through. I completely lost myself to him that I didnt know how to function when he left, that I almost refused to get out of bed because I couldnt find a reason to, same goes with my appetite. You see why now? I am sorry for the words I said but I meant most of those. He often complained about my habit of telling my friends our problems and not him, now I am only opening up to social media and he still doesnt like that. I guess reading the truth isnt always fun and games right? I am sorry my love but I had to, I cant be a martyr forever.

I always see myself as a victim, that I am the one who hurts more whenever we fight and my friends think so too but I am not so sure anymore. Maybe I am biased, maybe you’re the victim and  I am the problem. You told me “Nakikita mo lang kasi pagkakamali ko/You only see my faults”, maybe so because I have this expectation, that I am supposed to be treated this certain way, that I deserve this or that, that maybe I dont see that what you’re doing is the only way that you can shower me affection, that maybe I am too caught up with this make believe that I cant see the reality which is the very thing you’re doing. I am so sorry, I will find ways to make you feel appreciated, but I dont know when. I dont know what to say because it already happened, I already said that, we are fighting and now there’s tension between us. IF because of this you decide to leave me, then I will understand, you deserve more I guess.