Dear people,

I have been fed up from all of the shit that facebook had for a long time now that I rarely use the damn thing, the Philippine society is so fucking cancerous that it’s so fucking shameful to be a part of. I am far from being pure, but I am not one of these people, at least I am more open minded and open to new things. Here  are my 2 cents,

  • Whoever people choose to support in politics is their prerogative,  wishing them to get raped, get hit by a car or die in a fire, because they criticised him and his ways is disgusting and wrong. Use your democracy wisely, many people died for that.
  • A person’s personal life is none of your beeswax. If he or she has a “sugar daddy” or “sugar momma”, it doesnt concern you so why are you so intent in bashing them? it’s not your duty to expose them, or to condemn, dont get mad at them because they have something you dont have, it’s their moral not yours so shut up.
  • If a  celebrity chooses to get some work done (plastic surgery) anywhere in her body and face  is their business. It’s their money too, telling them it only made them look worst wont change anything, what’s done is done. There’s a reason behind everything, maybe they became more confident after they had it done….stop being an asshole.
  • Those who post about slimming pills, whitening products and stuff like that? It’s okay to see them. People are trying to earn a living, stop asking them to take it down and say that those  are ineffective anyway, dude to each their own.
  • Starbucks and other food pics are alright, it’s their money, they want to show off? so what? let them live.
  • Bashing trans people for being who they are is disgusting. Is it that hard to accept them? and if you dont have anything good to say dont say anything at all. Dont you have manners? Jake Zyrus is a person, not a fucking target. Cyberbullying him wont make him go back to  being a woman, damning him to hell wont either.
  • Living in with your partner is not taboo. We’re in the 21st century Philippines, come on. And most people on the comment section say shit like they’ve never done a single naughty thing in their life, y’all are  fucking each other behind your “families”  backs and you bash two consenting adults who pay their own rent, buy their own food and try to live in harmony together? stop this hypocrisy.
  • Posting about Jesus and  different images that promises salvation is alright. If they believe that it’s helping them get a spot in heaven then let them be. It’s their belief not yours, respect them.What’s not okay?  shoving your beliefs down the throats of people who chose  not to believe in your religion.
  • Not believing in God and anything holy is alright. As long as  you arent stepping on anyone, respect them, just respect everybody.
  • Rape culture, victim blaming is still prevalent in our society. Why is it so hard to understand consent? and that women dont owe you anything? we dont dress to impress you, whatever it is we choose to wear, be it a plunging neckline, booty shorts and backless tops, you dont have the right to harass us. Control yourself, stop your impulse to hump anything with exposed skin.
  • Having brown skin is alright, you’re Filipino. But having such skin doesnt give you the right to talk down to those who were born with a white complexion. Saying that they’re just beautiful because of their complexion is just mean it’s not like all of y’all are pretty. Be nice to each other.
  • People who post shit saying that they’re better than those girls who wear make up are just disgusting. Stop it, it’s their money, they have the skill, you’re jealous and maybe a little insecure.
  • It’s okay to be smart. Smart shaming people because they corrected you is messed up, why dont you just listen? you might learn a thing or two.

I can go on forever but as of now Im gritting my teeth, Im mad. Why cant people just be nice to each other? stop judging each other and start respecting each other instead. Im thinking of deactivating my facebook account but I dont purchase cellphone load anymore and I only rely on free data to communicate with most of my family and friends. But anyway that’s all for now, Im going to make another post in the future maybe, because there’s still more.

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Self image

Today is that kind of day again. The type where I cant even look at myself in the mirror because all I see is an ugly person, a fat ugly person. Most times I feel okay with my body but today I dont. And the worst part is I cant tell anyone because if I did then they’ll just laugh at me and say that “You’re over acting you’re not exactly thin but you’re not exactly fat either” but I feel like a fucking whale. I feel like I look like a fucking manatee and that I am an abomination to man kind. I havent even showered yet, I spent my whole day in my room under the covers because I dont want to burden anyone with my low self esteem. I try to have a positive attitude all the time, but today I just cant I cant bring myself to be happy and say “you’re beautiful”, no today my self image is so fucking below the line that I cried this afternoon because of my flabby stomach.

Why wasnt I made like those skinny girls in my class? why was I given an ugly face and an ugly body too? why cant I just have one? why the fuck do I have to be uglier than all of my friends? why do I have to be the pudgiest? why do I have to be the JarJar binks of my group? why? wasnt my pessimism enough? I am scared to go downstairs because my kuya is here he just got signed off, and he’ll be here for a few months and when he saw me the other day he said “You got fatter than the last that I saw you, you look like you’re a few months pregnant!” and then he laughed out loud and I joined in too but inside I fucking died, I know that. Last January I weighed 50 kg and now I weigh 54 kg, I know I am not overweight, I know I am not too fat, but I dont like the way I look. I gained weight because of the medication I take for my anemia, it has something to do with my thyroid and the iron supplements but I am not going in depth about that now. It’s not like I am not doing something about it, I have been exercising 3 times a week and I have been limiting my sugar intake, it’s the medication that’s making it hard for me and it sucks that I still have to take it for 3 more months. I fucking wish I didnt have to, maybe if I dont then I’ll get thin and pretty and then people will like me more. But if I dont take these fucking pills then my anemia will act up again and I’ll get admitted to the hospital again and scare everyone. I dont want to die yet, I want to give back to the people who helped me and I still want to get married, have a decent house and have 3 sons. But my fucking body is fucking me up, my boobs are making me look fatter too. I dont need big breasts, they get in the way all the time, they jiggle when I walk, they garner unwanted attention, they fucking hurt whenever I sleep face down AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FATTER. 

I hate everything about my appearance today, and I cant function well because everytime I see my reflection I get the urge to just lie on the floor and break down. You might think I’m being too shallow because it’s just my appearance, but fuck you you dont know what it’s like. Maybe if I were pretty I dont have to be the witty one, the one who tries so hard to make people laugh because if I make them laugh then they’d like me. I dont have anything else to offer, I am not pretty, sexy nor talented. Maybe if I were beautiful life would be more easier, maybe if I was pretty people will love me. But I wasnt made that way, I have to work hard for acceptance and validation. Maybe that’s why no one ever stays long enough with me, it’s because I am not pretty like other girls. If I was pretty would you still be here? maybe, maybe not.

I am trying so hard to build my self image, I am trying so hard to love myself, I am trying so hard to look forward to my future. But then there’s days like this where someone will say something and I will get triggered and will get upset for a couple of days and rant on the internet, where I dont even have an audience. Sometimes I wonder if I matter, you know? sometimes I think to myself:  if I die no one will even mourn me, I’m just a nobody, no one will cry over me except my family, I’ll be forgotten in a matter of days. No one remembers the death of an ugly girl, they only remember the pretty ones. Dont worry about me though, I’ll get around sooner or later. I’ll ask my doctor if I can get off the medication already, it fucks me up man.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be in their room now, I’ll go downstairs and heat some water and take a bath. Being stinky and filthy while being ugly is adding insult to the injury.

Is it that difficult?

To consider my feelings first before anyone elses? it’s just like gradeschool again, WHY DO YOU OVER LOOK ME EVERY TIME? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FAVOR SOMEONE ELSE OVER ME? Is it because I dont matter? issit because all of the concern that you’ve shown me is fake? issit because you have someone else who, for you is more important? when will you put my emotions first? I tell you shit that bothers me and all you do is argue with me about it, why dont you try condering it? why dont you try to listen to whatever it is that is bothering me rather than think of comebacks because you dont want to fucking lose? issit that hard? I never ask for anything, I never demand that much, I dont expect you to do anything sweet or whatever of that type of shit, all I want is for you to LISTEN. To feel like I MATTER. I told you that you, hanging out with her is bothering me and what did you do? instead of just distancing yourself from her (well I wouldnt ask you to ignore her completely) you fought with me, I told you that commenting and using monickers with her made me uneasy but what did you do? YOU GAVE ME THE SAME SHIT WHEN ALL I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IS LAY LOW. It’s a dog eat dog world, you have to fight to survive, for everything really, I didnt think that I’d be fighting for my own place with you, of all the people in the world I never thought i’d be up against you, when will I be the person you’d be scared to hurt? when I be the person you’d be mindful of being rude? when will my feelings matter to you?

I am not a masochist, I dont like being hurt. I dont like not being listened to because when I have something to say it’s usually something that isnt nonsensical, when I speak it’s usually something that is bothering me, and I make sure that it makes sense. Dont fucking feed me lame ass excuses because I will fucking nail you. I asked you to do something about it, but I guess I dont matter that much because you’re so fucking unwilling that if I were the same person I was months before, I’d be crying. But fuck you,not anymore I refuse to cry because of you, I am over that. When will you ever listen and be considerate? am I always the one to adjust? to your attitude? to your friends? when the fuck is it going to be my turn? when will it be me? I was drunk last night, but I knew what I was saying dont fucking worry, just tell me if you’re seeing somebody else already I SWEAR YOU WONT EVEN HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME ANYMORE. I believed you when you told me that I was the only one, with all my heart I trusted you. Was I wrong to do so? have you been cheating on me by talking and flirting with other girls when I am not around? how long have you been doing it? tell me. Because then it will make sense, the way you treat me. Have I truly become an option to you? oh wait I NEVER WAS YOUR PRIORITY. How fucking silly of me, I am so pissed right now that I am pressing my keys a little bit too hard as if it’s a 1960’s typewriter.

Is it so hard to not hurt me? is it easier for you to accept the fact that your friends are happy but not me? oh silly me, my happiness doesnt matter to you right? hahahaha why babe?

(featured image from tumblr ctto)

What exactly do you want?

  So earlier I was scrolling through my newsfeed on facebook, I stumbled upon a post where a girl complained about a guy who didnt let her seat on the cushioned part of the trike as they were both seated on the backside (trike is a public transportation vehicle here), and goes on and on about him not being a gentleman, and says further nasty things about him. I shook my head in disbelief, she’s about my age. And what annoyed me more are the commentators who agrees and takes her side, but what if the boy wasnt feeling well that day? Or that he had a bad back? Didnt that occur to you people? There are two sides to every story. The reason why this annoys me is that here in our country like in most, we fight for equal rights, the same girl who posted that is also the one who posts femminazi shits, see how ironic that is? Femminism is good alright, femminazi isnt. Bitching about a boy who wont give up a seat for you, not holding out a door for you, paying for your dinner, or carrying a box for you doesnt exactly help you in your fight to be treated equally as the male gender. Same goes to the women who, got hit because she hit the man first, yes I am blaming YOU, will I get a lot of shit because of saying this? Maybe I will but hear me out, I am not saying that hitting a woman is okay, it is not, in fact hitting other HUMAN BEINGS is not. He hit you back because he is defending himself because youre batshit crazy, hysterical and hitting him with a frenzy of catlike scratches and kicking and punching him, it is a natural human instinct to defend oneself in cases like that. So what are you bitching about? You brought that on yourself. Domestic abuse isnt just for women, it is for all, men get abused too for example Matthew Santoro a famous Youtuber, there was also a social experiment conducted where a man was treating a woman roughly in the streets and the people immediately stepped in and tried whooping the man’s ass, but when they reversed it, when it was the woman who was beating the man in public, people gathered, watched, jeered and took videos, what the fuck was that about? Regardless of gender we are human beings, we shouldnt hurt each other, we must respect each other so that we are able to live in harmony.                                                                                                                                                               I am a woman and I try to do these things by myself, it is fairly simple. I brought the bag so why shouldnt I carry it? I have money so why cant I pay for my meal? I have hands so why cant I open the doors for myself? Unless the man initiates on helping me. And they get surprised when I open the door for them, but they smile afterwards. I am a simple and logical human being, I tend to think of things the way they are stated or said. Dumb fucks here in the Philippines claim to know what that is, and are “fighting” to get it, yet they say and do things that doesnt justify that cause. Living in a country where the majority of the population are catholics, and having a very conservative culture produce closed minded and judgmental people, hypocrites and self righteous, not to mention arrogant, these traits come from the majority of the younger population, each thinks that they are better than the other sometimes I wished that I lived in a different country. Well I have said too much already, and I think this is enough for today.