So yesterday was my birthday and it was the best one that I had so far. Last year was also nice because my friends surprised me when I thought we were over throwing surprise parties for each other. This years celebration is the best because I spent it with my family in the afternoon, I took them to a nearby restaurant and we ate quality food, my brother and I talked about things, my grandmother laughed a little too much and that was always great, and then that night I went to Lucban with my friends we went to a bar and it was awesome we got a little shit faced and we danced until we felt the walls stop spinning around us, I am not a good dancer but I danced like a lunatic yesterday. I wore something that I dont normally wear and I got compliments on how slimmed down I looked, and that felt great.
Someone sent us free drinks but I didnt drink it because I dont trust people hahaha. I have to admit I missed that life, going to bars and dancing and meeting new people without being restrained with the sanctity of monogamy, it was fun. And losing weight and looking better (their words not mine) felt awesome! I didnt think I looked beautiful (and I still dont think so) but being called as one, is nice. I am now sure of what I want, unlike last week where I was confused and doubtful. I talked to him last Wednesday and I apologized for everything, I even told him “If I asked you to come back will you?“, because it has been floating in my mind…that question, even after the night we broke up, and for my own peace of mind I gave up and asked him. I didnt expect him to come back to be honest haha and I will be alright with either a “Yes” or a “No” but he couldnt give me an answer right away. The cool thing about that talk is that we said everything that we have to say to each other, he told me the reason behind why he treated me that way, and I told him that he had to act like a man (because he acts like a stubborn little kid), he said he will give me the answer after a week, that he wanted to review first and I said alright. And I had time to think about it myself, now I am sure of what I want to do, I want to focus on my studies because I’ll be graduating soon, I want to find myself and enjoy my freedom because I have been in and out relationships since freshman year college, come on I need to get my shit together hahahaha. But I am not saying that I will not allow myself to get into a relationship, what I am saying is that I am no longer optimistic to the posibility of us. And I am not looking for anyone, I am waiting. There’s a difference….if I am bound to have a new boyfriend this semester then okay, i’ll let fate do its job but I aint going to force myself into one.
To be honest, you dont really feel older after every birthday, you wont even feel different. Age is just a number, it’s up to you to better yourself and to make a difference. I learned a lot from my teenage years, I had to learn the hard way but at least I did. I learned that happiness is a choice and that it also depends on us, dont ever beg for someone to stay in your life because if they are meant to stay then they shouldnt have left in the first place, take responsibility for every action and decision that you make, be firm about it. It was also very heart warming because I found out yesterday that I know many people, that they are nice enough to send me birthday greetings and wishes. I am not a “material girl” I appreciate even those kinds of things, all I want is to feel loved and cherished and remembered….and that is what I got yesterday, and that is the reason why this years birthday is the best. I didnt expect anything from anyone and I didnt get disappointed, I didnt wait for anyones birthday greeting and I didnt get upset, do you now see what I meant by saying You’re responsible for your own happiness?. Now I am controlling mine and I have never felt as powerful and in tune with myself. I guess this is what being 20 is about, I am not saying that I figured out how life works….I am just saying that I am kinda enjoying it now. I was a premature baby, my mom gave birth to me in July when it should have been September, I was so small my mom said that I could fit in a size six keds shoe box, and I was so thin that they thought I was going to die that same night. But I didnt, I am now an adult but my father still sees me as a little girl because he still couldnt believe that I pulled through despite being born early, he still calls me his “little miracle”. I am thankful for everything that happened in my life, and if there’s only one thing I regret doing in my teenage years, I guess it has to be that I didnt take chances when I should have. Because now I am full of what if’s in my head, but now I vow to take more risks and to not be afraid anymore.
(Featured Photo: what I looked like from when I became a teenager up to when I was 19. A little tribute to my teenage years haha)