Last night: Happy Graduation!

So yesterday was an exceptionally hot day, which is a little bit strange because it should already be rainy season here in our country (damn you climate change!). I woke up at about 8 am, which was earlier than my usual because I am trying to change my lifestyle from night owl to morning person because I heard that it’s healthier. Anyway, I ate a healthy meal and at about 5 in the afternoon my bandmate and I met each other at 7/11 and we rode his motorcycle to our rehearsal place in Lucena City. After months of abandoning my band because I wanted my focus to only be on my studies, it felt great to sing and jam with my band. I missed it actually, belting and giggling at every mistake I make, it felt good to joke around with them too. They are like my brothers from other mothers, we are going to perform at a wedding on the 15th which was awesome because being a full time freeloader I do need cash, I hate being unemployed too but what can I do? our university held back our graduation instead of June they decided to make it July 5th. By now I dont feel that ashamed to be one (bum), because I have a valid reason but once I graduate I am going to apply for a job. Well technically I already did, I went to an interview in Magsaysay Corp. last May, and they instructed me to do basic training because they said it is a requirement, I applied for the position of a Life guard.

But I am not sure if I want to because I am afraid. After all my uncle was the one who kept nagging me about that job. I want to make it on my own you know? I dont want to owe anyone anything, but if it had been a year and I still am unemployed I’ll have no choice but to take it. Anyway, back to my band practice we rehearsed the first set (we had three) which consisted of 8 songs: Underneath it all – No doubt, A thousand Years – Christian Perri, One and Only – Adele, Oh Darling! – The Beatles, Power of two – Indigo Girls, Linger – The Cranberries, Your Song – Parokya ni Edgar, With a smile – Eraserheads. I completely forgot how good of a singer W was,. we are to rehearse again on Saturday, I thought that things will be awkward between the two of us but it wasnt. We are still good friends, we are still the same goofballs that we were before which was a relief, I didnt want to lose my boy bestfriend. We started at about 6:30 and then we finished at about 10 o’clock. We got hungry so we ate at lugaw queen which was awesome, I havent eaten there for so long that hot porridge tasted divine to me. We were about to go home when R received a message from Ch, asking us to come by his house because it was his graduation and there is a celebration in their house and he assured us that there’s booze for everybody, so we went there and was greeted by him and his whole house was buzzing with so many guests! Damn you EU for delaying our graduation we couldve had a celebration like this months ago! There was a videoke too and after eating, Ch presented a whole case of beer in front of us and we started drinking the night away, that 3 hour rehearsal didnt stop me from singing my heart out in the videoke too hahaha it was so fun.

I got home at 1:30 in the morning, I wasnt drunk though I know my limits and I drink responsibly. I cheated too, I drank less beer than them I focused on being the chatterbox and singing that they didnt even notice. My bros are gentlemen though (they always have been) and they accompanied me home, and made sure I’m safe. I felt bad for ignoring them when I had a boyfriend though, I just didnt feel comfortable with hanging out with my guy friends while I had a boy you know? I wasnt cheating on him but I didnt want him to think that I was. Because you know, he has friends and they might see me hanging out with my bandmates and they might think I’m cheating, but that was before hahahaha now in my future relationship I wont do that anymore. I will introduce him to them so that there wont be any misunderstanding, I woke up with a fat head ache too so I’ll end this here.

A well spent night.

Manipulate

Hello this is my first post here on this blog site but this is not my first time to blog. I owned a couple of blog accounts before but I neglected them because I reached a point of writers block that I can never get out of or I just lost interest, but now I am going to write again, this time I will not abandon it. I am undergoing paranoia again, but I cannot voice it out I dont have a therapist and I never want to have one (not that it’s wrong I just dont want to because my family doesnt have that much disposable income). Anyway, writing has always been therapeutic for me so here I’ll vent out.

I fucked up again. I have this habit of making up stuff and I’m pretty good at it. Ever heard of the saying “It’s fun to lie to others, but never to yourself”? yeah that’s practically it. I dont do it for my own pleasure, I do it because I cant face most of the truth. And it’s fucking me up big time, and recently too. I hated it I hate the feeling of being a phony, so yes I hate myself but what can I do? what happened is this, my boyfriend let’s call him “M”, has been ignoring me (at least that’s what it feels like) for almost a week and until now. I lashed out about him on my twitter account that morning and then later that day he messaged me and asked “Who are you referring to on your posts?” and instead of telling him that it was HIM I lied and said it was my bestfriend “L”. And the string of lies went on and on from there, see what I mean? I did that because I dont like confrontations. And the thing that fucked it up is that since L and I are bestfriends of course our boyfriends are also close and maybe what happened is that M told L’s boyfriend about what “allegedly” happened which he later said to L and then she is now lashing out on twitter because she got pissed of the bullshit that I stirred up. Now does that make me an awful human being? Yes it does. Because she doesnt deserve to be made bullshits of, I didnt bad mouth her or anything, I didnt accuse her of being things she isnt I just made a story that fit my raging tweets. I have never been in trouble because of my “bad habit”, until now. I knew it would catch up on me I just didnt know when. Now she’s tweeting about how enraged she is whenever she sees my tweets, or how karma will catch up on me at first I got pissed at it because I thought how dare she? after all the things we’ve gone through and a smidgen of something like this would tick her off and tell those things about me? but then again after I calmed down and played many rounds of battle in Clash Royale it dawned upon me that maybe she’s pissed because on all of the people who would make bullshit stories about her I would be the last candidate yet I was the first to do so. And I feel bad about that she has been so good to me, I will apologize but she wont address me directly my plan is to apologize once she confronted me or ask me about it. In the mean time I think this habit of mine has to stop.

I also use this to manipulate people. Yes, I am a very manipulative person and I want people to do what I say but contradictory to that I am very shy and I lack in self confidence that’s why the only way that I found to make them do what I say is to lie to them. Make stories, make them hear what they want to hear and lure them from there. You might think I am like a politician, and yes I am. I also use this as a defense mechanism, can anyone relate to that? I told you I have a twisted mind. I dont like confrontations that’s why instead of telling the truth I end up with bullshits, piling them high until I get confused on what the truth is and what is not.  I feel bad about how things went, and I hope that it will steer clear soon. I dont want to lose my best friend but if she thinks that I am a despicable human being and doesnt want me in her life anymore then what else can I do? I brought it upon myself. I sure hope she would forgive me. I am so sorry if I have hurt you in any way, I am a coward and an idiot. Your boyfriend must hate me now too, that sucks but I’ll live with it if I have to.