Sorry mom

My mother gave me money, she told me to buy new clothes because  she said the shirts  or clothes that I own are like those  of a 14 year old boy, which wasnt entirely true because I have like 3 dresses, and a shit load of shorts. But anyway, I still accepted it despite being offended and I thought  maybe she’s right, I will be working soon and I  dont think  graphic marvel t-shirts and black skinny jeans will do. So I  went to the mall and went straight to the department store, and I didnt like any of the shirts there. I  found myself wanting to buy an olive green TMNT shirt but I fought the urge and didnt. I went to other  stores like oxygen, where I bought one shirt and pants, and then to Penshoppe where I didnt buy anything, and then to Tribal, to be honest I find their shirts cheesy with their  try hard font, and I find their lack of male employees disappointing, come on if you’re gonna have  female employees with nearly exposed  breasts and butts, might as well have good looking hunky men too.

I went to at least 3 more stores and I got exhausted, so I went to Jollibee for a snack of  burger and fries. I didnt wanna go clothes shopping anymore so I decided to go to National Bookstore to check some books out. And when I got there it was as if I was  in a safe haven! I am not even exaggerating, after 2 hours of rummaging through clothes I was basking in the comfort of books. I  already have two shelves full of them, and my mom always tell me “YOU ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY BOOKS! ENOUGH ALREADY!” but I dont think I do. I have read all of them, some I re-read  thrice like Harper Lee’s To kill a mocking bird, Alice Walker’s The Color Purple, Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and Graveyard Book, and JD Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. You can never have too many books, I’ve always felt at home whenever I have a book with me. Being  introverted I spent my childhood reading Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss, then moved on to Lemony Snicket to Leonard Tolstoy. I love the smell of its pages and the texture, especially while drinking a hot beverage or eating a bar of chocolate.

I  am not being a special snowflake here but, I guess you can say that I  am among those girls who will choose buying books over  clothes and make up.  I guess it’s because unlike make up and clothes, I know more about them and I am familiar with them.  I dont like change and I go by routine you know?  Yesterday, I bought Lord of the flies by William Golding, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett and 2 books by one of my favorite Filipino author Ms. Jessica Zafra:  Twisted  8 1/2,  The Stories so far.  There were so many  books  that I  wanted to buy still, like Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and Anne Rice’s Prince Lestat, but I  didnt have enough money left,  so I  promised myself I’ll find a job  this august so  that I can buy  these.

I  still have so many classic novels  that I  want to  read, yet they’re either hard to find or  they’re too much for my budget. But anyway, I got home and my grandma  scolded  me telling me that my mother  will  get mad once she finds out I bought books instead  of clothes again. I acted  as if I  was guilty but I couldnt wait to go upstairs lock myself in my room and start  reading my new books!  I feel bad for them though because there isnt space for them on my second bookshelf anymore, and I keep my poor books on a shoebox beside my bed, and they’re getting too dusty and I cant just clean them in a jiffy because I have asthma and inhaling dust will stir a reaction.

I need a boyfriend who will make bookshelves for me….well assemble assuming that we get it from IKEA hahaha.

21

Hey how  are  ya? sorry for the lack of posts, I was  hung over yesterday and earlier because it was my birthday last July 16th! and it was a good one. My family surprised me with extra crispy buckets of KFC chicken, Chocolate mousse and so on! it was so freaking awesome because I thought they’d never do that anymore because I am old now, but they did. There werent any balloons though, I know it’s too childish but they are just fun to see you know? my baby brother thought it was his birthday and I just laughed at him because he demanded to blow the candle again! wow, I am old but I dont feel like an adult yet, I dont even think I am ready for work yet. I am still undecided on what I want to do, but I will be going on a job hunt after I get my TOR, it sucks to be a freeloader you know?

My bandmates went to my house last sunday, when I thought they wouldnt be there because they are mostly engineering students and they are doing their OJT and so I was crocheting (this was after my birthday dinner) and was actually feeling it when one of them knocked on our door singing “Happy Birthday” and they brought their own bottle of tequila (because they know that my grandmother doesnt stack up on those)  and we didnt have lemons in our household so I grabbed the kalamansi or calamondin and we made do with that. We were so freaking noisy that some of my family members had to scold us! (we live in a compound) but we didnt care that much, we moved to a nearby bar in Lucena City, we werent that intoxicated so we rode J’s car and safely got there, I got home at about 3 AM all shitfaced but happy.  I have my own key now so my grandma’s sleep wasnt disturbed hhahaha I woke up at 8 the next day because I had to go to school to complete the signatures on my clearance, I was so hung over that I didnt eat breakfast, but I was happy because I felt like such a grown up, like “hey look at me I am 21 I graduated from College” and then I got home at like 6 PM and then my college friends chatted me up and we went to a bar in Lucban, I know I just recovered from a hang over and there I am again boozing (I guess I mastered that in college lol) I had a big fat headache again earlier and I was so grumpy when I went to the dentist, I tripped all over the dental chair (dunno if that’s what it’s called) because I was wearing my big ass sunglasses.

I dont think I’ll drink alcohol again man…..(but who are we kidding though? HAHAHA) the hardest thing I had to do on my birthday was to reply to comments and PM’s on my facebook while being drunk af, trying not to make typos and sending messages that I will regret. I think I did great though, I thanked everyone who greeted me with an accompanying smiling/grateful emoji,and I felt loved. Among my favorite people who greeted me were my ex boyfriend’s older sisters or Ates (term of endearment we use here in the Philippines to call older sisters), because I never had big sisters I have a step sister but she’s so fucking terrible, and his older sisters arent, they’re cool. I miss them though, I hope they’re doing well. But I appreciated each and every greeting I received, it made me feel warm, special and loved.

All in all, I had a great birthday again and I look forward to my next one hahaha.

 

Lonesome

It’s raining again, I can help but feel a little lonely during weathers like this. It’s not like my ex was here with me to cuddle last year when it was like this, it was just nice to have someone to talk to that wasnt a fuckboy (my ex wasnt  perfect but he was loyal) or underaged/younger than me, it was just nice to have someone to have silly arguments with and stay up until morning with you know?

We werent that much of a clingy/showy couple but, at least I had someone to watch movies and eat food with. Being single is alright but there are times when you feel lonely, like the other day when I went to the mall to buy my grandmother her herbal tea, everywhere I look there were couples, holding hands, hugging, teasing each other, and I was by myself, which normally wasnt a big deal to me, but on that day it was. I found myself sighing thinking “I wish I had someone to hold on to like that”, but I went on and paid at the cashier where in front of me were another couple. It made me think of him, but I immediately stopped myself because I think he has a new girlfriend now and I dont want to be a nuisance even in thought. I hope she loves you more than I did, I hope she takes care of you better than I did and I hope her pride and ego isnt as high and mighty like mine. But who am I kidding? just because I let go of him doesnt mean I wanted to, I HAD to because that’s what he wanted and it will make him happy. I had moved on from the heartbreak but I think I will always love him, you know? how do I know? I still pray for him. I am not a religious person, but I do talk to God before I sleep, and I still pray for his well-being and for him to get a company to spend his OJT on, I still pray for him to have a good future and to be the man I always wanted him to be. I wanted to be his friend even after our relationship ended, but I dont think he even wants to talk to me let alone see my face hahaha. That’s alright I guess, as long as he’s doing well.

I think he’s happier now, I think being with me was the only thing that’s keeping him from being one, I wasnt a high maintenance girlfriend but I do have an ego that’s as big as the iceberg that caused the Titanic to sink. I think what our break up taught me is to be a more mature person, to give the person you love everything they want even if it means letting them go because it will make them happier. I was never angry nor bitter at him, because I was trying to understand why he left and I did, I wasnt angry at him for breaking my heart instead I got angry at myself for not trying hard enough. But I dont regret anything, whatever I did taught me lessons that made me a better person now, than I was a year ago.

That’s all, now I got this off my chest I feel a lot better. Loneliness sucks, but I know I’ll be okay, not tonight but maybe tomorrow. And the cool thing about this is that he doesnt even read my blog! hahahaha he’ll never know how much of a dork I am and that’s okay. Anyway, it’s one day to go and it will be my birthday! and for the first time in years I am excited about it again, I like having a positive attitude it keeps me from having an existential crisis everyday 😉

 

My Kindergarten Notes

Yesterday I was cleaning my room because my grandma said that we’re gonna have it repainted, and I gathered everything that are already junk so that we can throw it out for less clutter. As I was cleaning my shelf I found a red notebook that was customised by my mother (my mum used to be a hippie so all of the things I used before were recycled) and on the name tag was my name and “Junior-kinder”, and I took pictures of some of the things that I wrote and some are weird hahaha

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The cover of my notebook look at how neat my mum’s writing is!

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“i will become a see person sumday an i will feed tha dolpins gamibears an then i will not draw nekid girlies lik tha man so that tha boat will not sink” – I drew a ship too on the uppermost left hahaha I guess I watched Titanic hence the “draw me like one of your french girls  notion. 

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“i wan to go home an watch cartuns wid dadi they ar stopid meanies” –  

I guess I was having a bad time that day hahaha

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“Buttercap is tha best powerpupgirl an baubels is tha baby she cries a lot i do not lik her” 

I still love Buttercup with the same fervour haha

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“i do not lik camil today she is mean but momi sed i shud be nice to all peoples lik winnie tha pooh i still do not lik camil i hope chacki gets her tonigt” 

HAHAHAHAH clearly I was being tormented by someone in kindergarten but I cant remember who Camille was (maybe because of my habit of repression hahaha) and “Chacki” is the killer doll who terrorized Andy throughout his childhood, yes this note was kind of creepy and I did find this on the back of my notebook and I dont know why my mum didnt scold me for it. This is a great experience really because I’ve completely forgotten most of it, it’s apparent that I loved writing at an early age but I have lost my fondness of illustrating stuff because  I didnt really improve in that hahaha I chose to share it with the internet because I think it’s funny and also interesting.

Note: I wrote the translation of the notes the way they are originally written by  5 year old me, also some are heavily edited because of  their age and because I wrote these using a pencil like most kids do, they faded a little bit. 

Here’s my 2 cents

I was scrolling through my facebook feed last night and I chanced upon an article about a local celebrity couple here in the Philippines and it was about them, “living” together despite not being married yet. The woman confirmed it stating “Everyone’s doing it” her reason, it isnt the best answer but who are we to judge? celebrities dont even have to discuss their private lives in the public you know? what goes in their bedrooms should be kept there, it should only be known to the masses if they chose to. I read some of the comments and immediately got disgusted. I dont really like the celebrity couple, but even I got offended by most of the people saying that they are going to hell for cohabiting, and that they arent fans anymore because what they’re doing is “immoral”. Jesus Christ guys, really? in this day and age you still have that mindset? What’s so wrong about it? isnt it more preferable?

Enlighten me please, what is so wrong with two consenting adults moving in the same house and who are capable of supporting each other financially? is marriage the issue here? most fuck each other on a regular basis and they arent married(some arent even a couple). I am guessing most of the commentators have and yet they had the face to judge. who are you to judge them? I am so pissed at this because I think this practice is great because couples get to know if they are compatible with each other. But to each to their own, I will respect you if you dont approve of this practice if you respect those who do. But if you’re going to talk rubbish and pull out a bible verse because they defile your idea of what “moral” behaviour is, then I am sorry, but you are a shitty human being.

A trial ground for something such as “marriage” is a good thing, dont you think? since it is a union of two people who vow to be with each other for as long as they live. As I have mentioned before I have a broken family, and it’s all because my parents have differences they cant reconcile, they got annulled and it was painful for me and my brother, which messed me up and my perspective of love but I do think that lifelong partnerships can happen. And if I did get married, I dont want to get separated I dont want to repeat my parents’ mistake, I dont want a broken family and traumatize my future children. That’s why I plan on having this with my future boyfriend, I dont have one at the moment but I am determined to make my next one my last. I think it will be fun to live in a house with the person you love and see if living with each other is tolerable. I cant wait to live in my own house with the love of my life and our 3 dogs (yes, I want to have 3 dogs in the future) my grandma wont let me have them because she says that they are a lot of work.

Try and broaden your understanding of things guys, we live in modern times and it’s still changing. Let’s try and change for the better shall we? let’s not revert to old days, there’s a reason why our society is evolving, go with the flow.

What now?

I graduated from College last Wednesday (July 5th) yes, I am now a degree holder. And I am happy of course because after four years of gruelling paperworks and examinations, and nights of cramming I am finally done. My mum threw a pool party for me and also a simple feast at our house, she also drilled a hole on our wall so that my graduation picture can be hung and I assume seen by people, it’s nice to know that she is that proud of me. Well, my whole family is, I wished my daddy was there in the gymnasium with us though he did pay for my education after all, and he did want to be there but his boss didnt sign his leave so he didnt really have a choice. He did tell me how proud and happy he is of me in a lengthy (45 mins) phone call the previous night, he was also emotional and so was I.

I am happy that the lectures are over but I cant help but be scared and nervous you know? because what do I do now? I know that I should be finding a job so that I can earn money to help out on house bills and to buy stuff that I like, but I fear that I might get rejected by every job that I apply for. But then again, I did apply at a bank and I did pass the interview, they want me to come back for a written exam, I knew I can pass that. Because I am great at those kinds of stuff but then again I think to myself I didnt study Tourism Management so that I can sit on a cubicle/stall all day. I did go to a cruise line agency a couple of weeks ago and I did have someone to back me up there and they did ask me to undergo “basic training”. But I dont want to owe something to someone you know? I want to make it on my own. Is it because of my pride? YES. I know my uncle meant well, but I dont think I’ll be able to sit with the idea of getting a job because I had an inside man and not because of my skills. And I do have the ability to pass it in a fair manner, but if it had been a year and I am still unemployed I might have to give in to this offer and ask for help, swallow thee pride. Am I being picky? I am. And it’s not because I think I’m too good for these jobs, it’s because I am afraid of what will happen to me. Which is stupid because I will never get a job with this kind of mindset and all I want is to give back to my family for everything they have done for me by showering them with things that they deserve, especially my grandmother.

But right now I am focusing on losing weight, I am not exactly overweight I’m just a little pudgy. I mean I am 5’4 ft and I weigh 128 lbs/58 kg, I mean to lose 5 or 6 more pounds so that I wont struggle when I am working. And I am waiting for my TOR I did file for it last Thursday, and my diploma as well. The future is terrifying yet exciting, it’s like I am back in square one you know? I am back to being that gawky 16 year old nervous on her first day of college. But am now nervous about work and  adulthood, oh and I’ll be turning 21 this coming 16th how time flies right?

So yeah, Congratulations to batch 2017 here’s to more existential crisis and anxiety! HAHAHAHA kidding of course.

Sa susunod

Dalawang buwan na,

Ilang buwan pa ba?

Kanina tila huminto ang mundo ko ng mahagip ng

gilid ng aking paningin ang aninong tila katulad

ng saiyo,

bumilis ang tibok ng puso,

pinagpawisan ng todo,

nahirapan huminga at hindi malaman

ang gagawin.

Nakakatawa ganto rin ako dati pagdating sayo,

pero tama na,

pagod na ako,

ayoko na,

nilimot na kita,

MALI

nililimot pala.

Papalapit ng papalapit ang pigura,

at sa bawat yabag ng kanyang paa

naramdaman ko nanaman ang bilis ng pag kabog sa dibdib ko,

“Tama na, tapos na, pakiusap tahan na” 

ngunit hindi pala ikaw,

nanlambot at tila nanginig ang buong katawan ko,

natutuwa ba ako?

ewan ko.

Lunurin nalang ulit sa alak ang lahat,

idaan nalang ulit sa walang kwentang biro,

para paraan nalang para malibang ang sarili

mula sa katotohanan na wala ka na,

at hindi ka na babalik pa,

Lunurin nalang ulit sa alak ang lahat,

ng panghihinayang at sakit.

Sa susunod hindi na ako ganto,

sa susunod hindi na ako masasaktan,

sa susunod na makita kita wala na akong

madarama,

sa susunod na makita kita hindi na ako malulungkot,

hindi na ako manghihinayang sa pag-ibig na nasayang,

at hindi na ako mangungulila sayo.

–MEL

11:34 PM/April 30, 2017

Note: this is a piece that I wrote way back in April, and I found it earlier when I was cleaning my room.